Лорел Гамильтон - Cerulean Sins

"You know, I like you, Anita, you explain things when I ask. I almost never understand what the hell you're talking about, but you talk to me like I'm bright enough to understand it, and know enough about magic to follow all the big words."

"I'm hanging up now, Bobby Lee."

"Yes, ma'am."

I handed the phone to Micah so he could put it close to the pile of clothes, which I had no chance of reaching without dribbling water all over the place.

I leaned back against Micah, and he sank deeper into the water, so that even the tip of my chin was submerged. I wanted to sink in against his body, be held, and drowse. Now that the shadow was off of Jean-Claude, I was tired. It was almost as if now I had permission to sleep.

But there was one other crisis to talk about. "Jason told me that Nathaniel collapsed at work last night."

"He's tucked into his room, sandwiched between Zane and Cherry. He's fine." Micah kissed the side of my head.

"Is it true that he collapsed because the two of you can't keep feeding my ardeur twice a day?"

Micah went very still around me, and his silence said it all.

"Did you know that the two of you couldn't sustain me?"

"You feed on Jean-Claude, too," he said.

"Fine, did you know that the three of you couldn't sustain me?"

"Jean-Claude keeps saying that your appetite should go down soon. The three of us could feed you if you only needed to be fed once a day. Twice a day is harder."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

He hugged me, and I let him, but I wasn't happy.

"Because I know how hard it is for you to take new people to your bed. I was hoping you wouldn't have to."

That reminded me. "I sort of did."

"Did what?" he asked.

"Took someone else to my bed." I felt like I should be squirming with embarrassment, but my ability to be embarrassed wasn't what it used to be.

"Who?" he asked, voice soft.

"Asher."

"You and Jean-Claude," he made it more statement than question.

"Yeah."

He cuddled me against him. "Why now?"

I told him my reasoning.

"You are going to make those vampires very unhappy tonight."

"I hope so." I turned in his arms enough to see his face. He looked peaceful enough by candlelight. "Does it bother you, about Asher?"

He seemed to think about it for a second or two. "Yes, and no."

"Explain the yes," I said.

"While you need the ardeur fed, there's plenty of your time to go around. I'm a little worried about what happens if you get a string of men now, with the ardeur rising, then the ardeur goes away. You're going to have some unhappy people, if you get too many of them."

I frowned. "I hadn't thought about that. I mean I haven't had intercourse with anyone but you and Jean-Claude."

"I'll say what Jean-Claude would say if he were here: Ma petite, you are splitting hairs."

"Fine, fine, I don't plan on kicking Nathaniel out of my bed just because the ardeur is quiet."

"No, but will you be willing to touch him the way he's come to expect?"

I turned so I wouldn't have to meet those honest eyes of his. "I don't know, that's the truth, I don't know."

"And Asher?"

"One step at a time with him, okay."

"And Richard?"

I shook my head against Micah's chest. "That's moot. Richard can barely stand to be within twenty feet of me."

"Are you seriously saying that if he showed up today and asked to come back, you'd say no?"

It was my turn to go quiet in his arms. I thought about it, tried to think about it, clearly, level-headed. The trouble was that Richard was never a topic I was logical on.

"I don't know, but I'm leaning towards no."

"Really?"

"Micah, I still have feelings for Richard, but he dumped me. He dumped me because I'm more comfortable with the monsters than he is. He dumped me because I'm too bloodthirsty for him. He dumped me because I'm not the person he wants me to be. I will never be the person he wants me to be."

"Richard will never be the person he wants himself to be," Micah said, softly.

I sighed. It was true. Richard wanted, more than anything else, to be human. He didn't want to be a monster. He wanted to be a junior high science teacher, marry a nice girl, settle down, have 2.5 children, and maybe a dog. He was a science teacher, but the rest… Richard was like me, he would never have a normal life. I had accepted that, but he was still fighting. Fighting to be human, fighting to be ordinary, fighting not to love me. He'd succeeded on that last.

"If Richard comes back to me, it won't be for good. He'll come back because he can't help himself, but he hates himself too much to love anyone else."

"That's harsh," he said.

"But true," I said.

Micah didn't argue with me. He didn't when he knew he was wrong, or knew I was right. Richard would have argued. Richard always argued. Richard seemed to believe that if he pretended the world was a nicer place than it really was, that that would change the world. It didn't. The world was what it was. And no amount of anger, or hatred, or self-loathing, or stubborn blindness would change it.

Maybe Richard would learn to accept himself, but I was beginning to believe that he would learn that lesson without me in his life.

I hugged Micah's arms around me like a warm coat, but I was tired now, achingly tired. If Richard knocked on the door today, and asked to come back, what would I do? Truthfully, I didn't know. But one thing I knew, Richard wouldn't let me feed the ardeur off of him. He thought it was monstrous. And he wouldn't share me physically with anyone but Jean-Claude. Even if he wanted to come back, unless he'd let me feed the ardeur off of others, it wouldn't work. Pure practicality. The ardeur had to be fed. Richard wouldn't feed it. Richard wouldn't let me feed it off of anyone but Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude alone couldn't sustain my appetite. Hell, Micah, Jean-Claude, and Nathaniel together weren't sustaining it. If Richard came back today, what would I do, offer him one-third of my bed, on the other side from Micah?

Richard had consented to dating me at the same time I dated Jean-Claude, but never to sharing a bed with him and me at the same time. Richard would try to go back to what we had. I couldn't do that.

What would I do if Richard knocked on the door right now? Offer to let him join us in the bathtub, watch his face show all the hurt and rage, watch him stomp out again. What would I do if Richard wanted to come back? The only thing I could do, say no. The question was, was I strong enough to say it? Probably not.

I didn’t so much wake, as come to the surface of sleep, enough to hear voices. Micah's voice first, "What did Gregory say?"

"That his father tried to contact him," Cherry's voice.

"Why is that bad?"

"His father is the one that pimped him and Stephen out when they were children."

"Every time I think I've heard the worst of people, I'm wrong," Micah said.

I fought to open my eyes, and it was as if my eyelids weighed a hundred pounds apiece. I blinked and found Micah still curled against me, but propped up on one elbow. Cherry was standing beside the bed. She was tall, slender, long-waisted, with blond hair cut boyishly short. She wasn't wearing any makeup which meant she was in a hurry, and she was actually wearing clothes which was unusual for one of the wereleopards. They usually only got dressed if I insisted. Either she was going out, or something was wrong. But of course, something was wrong.

I fought to wake up enough to say something, and it took more effort than was pretty. My voice came out thick, "What'd you say, 'bout Gregory?"

Cherry bent closer, and it took almost everything I had to keep her in focus as she moved in towards me. "You knew that Gregory and Stephen had been abused as children?" she made it half question.