Лорел Гамильтон - Danse Macabre

«Wake up to what, ma petite ?»

«I keep telling Richard I've accepted my life, but he's right, I'm still hiding from parts of it. You» — and I looked at Asher then — «are all still tiptoeing around me afraid of what I'll do, aren't you?» I turned back to Jean-Claude. «Aren't you?»

«You have taught us caution, ma petite .» He tried to hug me, but I stepped away.

«Don't comfort me, Jean-Claude, talk to me.»

He sighed. «You do realize, ma petite , that these demands for complete honesty that come over you from time to time are another way of being a pain in the ass?»

I had to smile. «No, I hadn't realized that. I thought this was being reasonable.»

« Non, ma petite , this is not being reasonable. This is another way of being very demanding.»

«Well, hell, then tell me what to do, because I don't know how to be anything else.»

«You are a high-maintenance item, as they say, ma petite . But I knew that before we became a couple.»

«You're saying, you knew what you were getting into.»

He nodded. «As much as any man can when he decides to love a woman. There are always mysteries and surprises in every love affair. But, yes, I had some idea what I was getting myself into. I did it willingly, eagerly.»

«The difficulties were outweighed by what, the power you might gain?»

He frowned at me. «See, already you grow angry. You do not want truth, ma petite . You do not want lies either. You leave us all with no clue to what will take us safely through your rocky shoals.»

«I've never heard you use a sea metaphor before.»

«Perhaps seeing Samuel reminded me of my voyage to this fair land.»

«Perhaps,» I said, and even to me it sounded suspicious.

Asher made a sound low in his throat. «You seek a reason to be angry, so you can blame us, and run.»

«Like Richard was trying to pick a fight earlier,» I said.

Asher nodded.

I thought about that for a second or two. «It's not that Richard and I are too different, we're too much alike.»

Jean-Claude gave me a look, like I'd finally come to something he'd understood long ago. «Too much alike in many ways, but you have compromised more, and your very alikeness in character makes him keep trying to force you to make the same decisions he has made. He sees the echo of himself in you, and understands even less why you do not see his rightness in all things.»

«And it's maybe why he frustrates me, too. He's enough like me, so why can't he make the decisions I've made?»

« Oui, ma petite , I believe that is part of your immense anger toward each other.»

«He's right, I'm trying to make him into something he's not, and he's trying to do the same to me. Shit.»

«What, ma petite ?»

«I hate being this slow about something that feels so obvious.»

«It is only obvious once you have thought of it,» he said.

«I'm not sure that makes sense, but okay, fine. I'm not saying I'll like hearing it, but tell me why you're so worried about Asher using his gaze on me.»

«I'll answer this one,» Asher said. He came to me, his robe still open over his body. It took more concentration than I'd have admitted out loud to give him eye contact and not look lower. «If I can capture you with my gaze, we are both afraid you will exile me from your bed. Your bed, and Jean-Claude's.»

«I'm not in charge of Jean-Claude's bed. You and he sleep together in your bed whenever I sleep by day in his bed.»

The two men exchanged a look I couldn't read. I touched Asher's arm, brought his attention back to me. «What is it?»

He looked down at me, using all that gold hair to cover the scarred side of his face. He didn't usually hide from me anymore. «What do you think that Jean-Claude and I do in my bed when you are asleep in this one?»

I frowned, then couldn't quite meet his entirely too-frank gaze. Vampire powers didn't make me look away, embarrassment did. «You're right, I don't want honesty, I just think I do.»

«You are blushing,» Asher said, and he gave a delighted laugh. «You think we are lovers, don't you?»

I was blushing so hard I was dizzy, and I felt like he was making fun of me. So I got angry. I crossed my arms over my stomach, and said, «Yeah.»

Asher looked at Jean-Claude. «She believes what most believe of us.»

I finally looked at Jean-Claude. His face was very empty. I had to lick my suddenly dry lips to say, «Are you saying that you're not doing it, when I'm not around?»

«All the touch I am allowed is when you are with us,» Asher said, and it was his turn to sound angry. But his anger had warmth to it, to fill his voice.

I kept staring at Jean-Claude.

«You do not believe us?» Jean-Claude asked.

«It's not that, it's…«I tried to put it into words. Finally, I said, «How could you be so close to him and keep turning him down?»

«Thank you for that,» Asher said.

«And what would you have done, ma petite , if you had found us in an embrace?»

«I… I don't know. I guess it depends on what you mean by embrace .»

«Sex, ma petite , sex.»

I opened my mouth, closed it, and didn't know what to say. «I don't know.»

«I do. You would have stormed away. You would have abandoned my bed, damaged our power base, the triumvirate. You might have run to our so-conservative Richard, or left us both again. So shocked you would have been, so unready to conceive of such things.»

«Maybe, but I didn't freak about you and Augustine.»

«You were involved. We shared him. If you had come upon the two of us alone, you would have taken it differently.»

«Well, yeah, he's a stranger for one thing.»

«Wait,» Asher said, «are you saying that you would share Jean-Claude with me?»

«We share each other now.»

He shook his head. «We share you, Anita, we barely touch each other.»

«Do not do this tonight, Asher. I ask this as your friend, and as your master. When our guests are gone, then we will continue this discussion.»

«Your word on that,» Asher said.

«My word.»

I nodded. «When we're not ass-deep in alligators, and I've had a few days to digest the news.»

«Is this news to you, that I want him as my lover?» Asher asked.

I shook my head. «Truthfully, I thought you guys were doing it like bunnies behind my back. You know, the whole don't ask, don't tell policy. It never occurred to me that all the touching you did was with me.»

«I thought you would see it as cheating,» Jean-Claude said.

«With another woman, yeah, but I don't have the same equipment. I mean if guys do it for you, I don't have those parts. But it wasn't guys I thought I was sharing you with, it was Asher. He's not just one of the guys to us.»

«Are you saying that Asher is your exception to the rule?»

«I'm not sure I had a rule, but I won't share you casually with anyone, any more than I'd expect you to share me. But I assumed that you and Asher were lovers, without me.» There, that was the truth.

«Why did you assume it?»

I motioned at Asher. «Look at him. Look at the way he watches you.»

Asher laughed. «Are you saying I am so adorable, how could anyone turn me down?»

I nodded. «Yeah, I am.»

His face softened, and he came to stand beside me. «Oh, Anita, you make my heart young again.»

I took his hand in mine. «And sometimes you make me feel like such a baby.»

«Pourquoi?»

«That I can take you both to bed, but I assumed you were doing each other behind my back, to save my sensibilities. It was a neat, clean solution, I thought. I didn't have to decide how I felt about you two being a couple, but we all got what we needed. Instead, Jean-Claude has been a very, very good boy, and you've felt neglected.»