Лорел Гамильтон - Danse Macabre

«I am Jean-Claude's human servant. You are his animal to call. We are a triumvirate of power. We can't change that. Jean-Claude and I both carry the ardeur . We both need to feed the hunger, and that's not going to change.»

«I thought you were hoping to be able to feed from a distance at the clubs, the way Jean-Claude did under Nikolaos.»

«It crippled his power, which is what the ex-Master of the City wanted to do. I'm not going to cripple us magically because I'm squeamish. No more hiding, Richard. The ardeur is here to stay, and I need to feed it.»

He shook his head. «No.»

«No, what?»

He let down his shields. I don't know if it was on purpose, or his emotions got the better of him. Whatever the cause I suddenly heard his thoughts like clear bells in my head: he thought that once I got the ardeur under control I'd dump Micah and Nathaniel and live with him. Be with him. He still hoped, seriously, that some day we'd be a nice little monogamous pair.

It took only seconds for me to get all of it, but his shields coming down had brought mine down, too, and he felt my shock. My disbelief that he still thought, seriously, that that would ever happen.

I felt the next thought forming, and tried to stop it, tried to keep it half-formed, or to shut him out, but the emotions were too raw, and I wasn't fast enough. The thought was, Even if I am pregnant, it would never work .

Richard's face showed the shock now. He gaped at me, and whispered, «Pregnant.»

I said the only thing that came to mind. «Fuck.»

I SLAMMED EVERY shield I had in place, shut, tight, metal, closed. I thought metal , smooth and thick and impenetrable. I stared at the floor, afraid to meet anyone's eyes. Afraid of what I'd see in their faces, or what I wouldn't.

«Anita,» Richard said, and his hand reached for me.

I stepped out of reach. I was shaking my head. I didn't know what I wanted out of this moment, didn't know what reaction would please me, and which one would piss me off. I'd hoped to keep it secret until I knew for sure. I did not want to open this can of emotional worms until it was a done deal.

It was Samuel who broke the silence. «Congratulations to both of you. A baby, joyous news indeed.»

I turned slowly to look at him, because of anyone in the room I cared least what he thought about the news. Him, I could look at. Him, I could be angry with.

Sampson was already touching his father's shoulder. «Father, I think we should leave now.»

Samuel was looking from his son, to me, to Jean-Claude, to most of the people around the room. He looked utterly confused. «But this is wonderful news, and you're all acting as if someone has died.»

«Father,» Sampson said, soft and warningly. He was looking at my face, and whatever he saw there made him grab his father's elbow and try to get him on his feet.

He stared at his son's hand until Sampson let it drop away. Samuel then met my gaze. His eyes didn't look friendly now. They looked older, full of some deep knowledge, and sad around the edges, and angry. «Why such anger, Anita?»

I started to count to twenty, knew it wouldn't be enough, and just said it, in a voice that was choking with anger, confusion. «Don't tell me how to feel, Samuel, you don't have that right.»

He stood up, and pushed his son's hands away from him. «Think how powerful a child you and Jean-Claude could have.»

«There's no guarantee it's his,» I said.

«The odds are that if you are pregnant, it won't be any of the vampires,» Richard said. His voice was low and careful, but there was something underneath all that that I hadn't wanted to hear — eagerness.

I turned to him, and I don't know what I would have said, or even done, because Jean-Claude was just suddenly there between us. «Do not do anything rash, ma petite .»

«Rash, don't do anything rash!» I pulled away from him. «He's not unhappy about this and you're locked down so tight I don't know what you're feeling.»

«I feel that anything I say, or do, in this moment, will upset you.» It was the most diplomatic way I'd ever been told that I was a pain in the ass.

I fought the urge to scream at him. I managed a voice that was strangled low and tense with the effort not to yell. «Say something,» I said.

«Are you with child?» he asked in that neutral, pleasant voice of his.

«I don't know, but I missed October.»

Richard came closer and he tried for neutral, failed, but he tried. «Have you ever missed a whole month before?»

I shook my head. «No.»

Emotions fought on his face, and finally he had to turn away, as if whatever expression he had, he was sure I wouldn't want to see it.

«Don't you dare be happy about this, damn it!»

He turned back, face mostly under control, but his eyes held that look. That soft I-love-you look that once was meant just for me, but which lately I hadn't seen much of. I'd seen lust, but not this.

«Would you prefer me to be angry, or sad?» he asked.

«No, yes, I don't know.» There, that was the truth. «I don't know.»

«I'm sorry,» he said, and he looked it around the edges. «Sorry if I'm making this harder, but how could I be completely unhappy if we made a child together?»

He would pick the very worst way to say it. The way most guaranteed to panic me. «It's not a child, yet. It's a bunch of cells smaller than my thumb.»

His eyes got more careful. «What are you saying, Anita?»

I hugged myself tight and wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. «I don't know what I'm saying.» But I was beginning to have more sympathy with Ronnie's idea about just going away and making the choice without any of the men.

«Would you really be able to kill our baby?» he asked, and I didn't have to see his face to know he looked hurt; I could hear it in his voice.

« Mon ami , you put the cart before the horse. Let her find out if she is pregnant before we make plans.» Jean-Claude tried to move between us again, tried to block my view of Richard, as if that would help.

Richard moved around him, so he could still see me. «Anita, could you really kill our baby?»

I wanted to scream yes , just to see the pain on his face, but on this I couldn't lie. I already knew the answer, I just didn't like it. «NO!» I yelled it, and the sound echoed against the stones without the hanging drapes to soften it.

Richard's face softened and he started to walk toward me, around Jean-Claude. The look on his face was almost beatific, as if all his dreams had come true. I felt as if I were suffocating in a nightmare, and he looked like that. I had to wipe that look off his face, I had to.

«What if it's not yours?» I asked, and my voice was ugly. I wanted it to hurt.

He hesitated, then got a look that was almost smug. «The odds are in my favor, Anita.» He looked entirely too pleased with himself.

«Why, just because Jean-Claude and Asher, and hell, Damian are several hundred years old? That doesn't mean it's not theirs; look at Samuel. He has three sons, two separate pregnancies.»

Richard started to frown. He wasn't walking closer now. Good.

Jean-Claude sighed, and stepped back as if he'd given up trying to stop the fight.

«And what about Micah and Nathaniel?» I asked. «They're not vampires and I've had more sex with them in the last two months than with you.» I was happy when he flinched. Ugly, but true.

«Micah's fixed,» he said, and his face darkened. «That leaves Nathaniel.» There was such anger in those three words, that I wished I'd left it alone.

As if on cue, Micah and Nathaniel came out of the far hallway. They looked at all of us and Micah said, «Is this about what I think it's about?»