Лорел Гамильтон - Danse Macabre

He nodded and looked unhappy. «You are quite right, ma petite . I am your master and this is all my fault. I should have seen it.»

«Seen what, exactly?»

«You have been obsessed with learning to control the feedings, ma petite . It has made me obsess with you, but there are other things to learn about controlling it. Things I have neglected to teach you.»

«You could not have taught her control of this, not when the ardeur was fresh, Jean-Claude,» Requiem said. «I was with Ligeia from the moment she gained the power. The first few months are a wild thing. I thought she would go mad with it.» He gripped Jean-Claude's shoulder. «My understanding is the ardeur rose for the first time with Micah. There was no controlling it.» He looked at me, and at Micah. «It has actually worked out extremely well for all concerned.»

I turned and looked at Micah, and Nathaniel. «I trapped you both. I rolled you.»

They exchanged a look, then both looked back at me. «We love you,» Micah said.

Nathaniel moved in, as if he'd hug me. I moved farther down the wall, out of reach. «But it's all vampire powers. It's a lie — doesn't that ruin it for you? I trapped you. I trapped you both; it's worse than what Auggie did to us. It's not fake, it's like real love. I made you both fall in love with me, that's like evil.»

«If you made us fall in love with you, but didn't love us back, maybe it would be evil,» Micah said, «but you do love us back.»

«But it's a lie, Micah. It's all a lie.»

He gave me a look, that look that said I was being silly. But I wasn't being silly, was I? «I've been in love before, Anita, remember.»

«Becky, your high school sweetheart, college fiancée,» I said.

He nodded. «That was real, Anita. She was the love of my life, and if she hadn't dumped me, I wouldn't have known that love could get any better than that.»

Becky had dumped him when he survived the attack that made him a wereleopard. She just couldn't handle his being furry once a month. Of course, she'd had other problems with him before that. What I thought was a huge bonus, she'd thought was a huge downside.

Micah stepped toward me.

I slid along the wall, my hand out. I didn't want him to touch me, not right then. Mainly because if he did, I'd lose this fight. I'd always wondered at how my body reacted to him. No one had that effect on me, not to that degree. Now I knew it was vampire mind tricks, but I was the vampire who had done it. Fuck.

«I know what true love feels like, Anita. This is it. We are all happier than we've ever been. The only thing that will spoil what we have is if you freak about this.»

«How can I not freak about this, Micah?»

I felt movement, a second before hands touched me. The hands brushed my bare arms, and I felt calmer. I leaned back against Damian's body, let his arms enfold me. The fear, anger, confusion, just washed away. The iron control of his emotions that he had learned at the hands of his creator was what he shared with me. I leaned back into that peaceful control for a handful of seconds. The panic was still there, but I could ride it. I was still horrified, but it wasn't the only thought screaming through my brain.

I leaned my head back against his chest, and looked up at him. He'd tied all that bloodred hair back from his face. I stared into a face that my magic had actually made prettier, more perfect. He'd been handsome before; now he was beautiful. I looked up into those eyes, like looking into the perfect green of an emerald, if it could look back at you. If a jewel could burn with intelligence and need. «Hey, Damian,» and my voice sounded almost drugged, I was so calm.

«Hey,» he said, smiling down at me.

I blinked at him. «I feel so good. I don't remember you ever making me feel this calm, so fast.»

«You love Micah, don't you?»

I frowned at him. «Yes.»

«You love Nathaniel, don't you?»

I frowned harder. «Yes, but it's all a lie.»

His hand swept up the line of my neck, as his face bent toward me. «Does it feel like a lie?»

«No,» and my voice was small.

He whispered the last few words against my lips. «You all love each other, isn't that more important than how you fell in love?»

With Damian touching me, it was utterly reasonable to say, «Yes.»

He kissed me. Those lips that my own magic had made fuller, more kissable, covered mine. He drew back enough to whisper, «Love is too precious to waste, Anita.»

He was right, of course. He was right, but it wasn't like me to see logic this quickly. This wasn't like me, at all.

Damian lowered his mouth over mine, his hand kneading my throat, as he pressed my back against his body. Always before when he was helping me be reasonable, kissing him was a cold thing. Today, I gave myself to his kiss, to his hands, even as part of me knew this was just more vampire mind games. Damian was my vampire servant. He gained power as I gained power. It hadn't occurred to me that he might be able to use that power against me.

I BROKE THE kiss, pushed him away hard enough to make him stumble. His eyes were drowning emerald fire. «Didn't it feel good?» he asked.

I shook my head, not trusting my voice. But the moment he wasn't touching me the panic was back. The fear, and it was worse now. I was surrounded by vampire tricks. Surrounded even inside myself, and that was one person I couldn't run from.

Micah tried to hug me again, but I moved around him, toward the living room. Nathaniel brushed my arm, and I moved away. I was shaking my head, and wasn't sure why.

«This does not have to be a disaster, ma petite .»

«Yes,» I said, «it does.»

«Anita,» Micah said, «I don't care that it was vampire magic that brought us together. We're together, that's what matters.» He held his hand out to me.

I shook my head. «No, because if you touch me, I'll give up. I won't fight. I can never win a fight when you touch me. The effect you have on my body overwhelms everything else.»

«And that's a bad thing?» He made it a question, his hand still held out toward me.

«I wondered why your touching me always overwhelmed me, and now we know. It's vampire powers. It's mind tricks. It's an aftereffect of the ardeur , Micah.»

He let his hand drop slowly. «I love the way your body reacts to mine, Anita.» He closed his eyes, hugged his hands into fists in front of his chest. «I abso-fucking love that you react to me like I'm intoxicating.» He opened his eyes and gave me the full stare out of those yellow-green kitty-cat eyes. «Don't you love it, too?»

I opened my mouth to say no, but it would have been a lie. The vampires could sense lies, but wereanimals could smell them. I told the truth. «Yes, I loved it.»

He shook his head. «Not loved, not past tense. You love it. You love it so much, you're afraid to let me touch you now.»

«Please, Micah, don't do this.»

«Do what? Make you happy? Make us both happier than we've ever been for longer than we've ever been happy in our entire lives? We're both almost thirty, Anita; it doesn't get better than what we have. We've all tried other people, other ways of living. This works for us. Don't throw it away because it started with the ardeur .» He took a step toward me. «We always knew that you and I began with the ardeur , Anita.»

«Maybe, but not all of it. Not…«I turned away from him. I couldn't keep being this stubborn and look at the anguish on his face. But looking away put me looking at Nathaniel. It wasn't an improvement. First, he was nude, and any of the men I loved only had to take their clothes off to win most arguments with me. I might never admit that out loud, but it was the truth. Nathaniel nude was a treat, but what made it even harder was the look on his face. So hurt, so terribly hurt.