Terry Pratchett: Unseen Academicals

‘Everything they are not, he is,’ said Vetinari, adding, ‘but that’s an enormous weight you’re putting on his shoulders.’

‘How much is on mine? How much of a weight is on yours?’

‘It’s rather like being a carthorse,’ said Vetinari. ‘After a while one ceases to notice, it’s just the way of life.’

‘They deserve their chance and it must be taken now, while the world is at peace.’

‘Peace?’ said Vetinari. ‘Ah, yes, defined as a period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.’

‘Where did you learn such cynicism, Havelock?’

Vetinari spun around and began his absent-minded walk along the length of the table again. ‘Well, mostly from you, madam, though I have to say that the credit is not all yours, since I have had an extended period of further education as tyrant of this city.’

‘I think you allow them too much freedom.’

‘Oh, yes, I do. That’s why I am still tyrant of this city. The way to retain power, I have always thought, is to ensure the absolute unthinkability of oneself not being there. I shall help you in any way I can, of course. There should be no slaves, even slaves to instinct.’

‘One person can make a difference,’ said Margolotta. ‘Look at Mister Shine who is now Diamond King of Trolls. Look at yourself. If men can fall—’

Vetinari gave a sharp laugh. ‘Oh, they can, indeed.’

‘—then orcs can rise,’ said Margolotta. ‘If that is not true then the universe is not true.’

There was a velvet-like knock at the double doors and Drumknott entered. ‘Mister Nutt is here, sir.’ He added with a certain disdain, ‘And he’s with that… woman, who cooks in the university.’

Vetinari glanced at Margolotta. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I think we should see him in the main hall.’

Drumknott coughed. ‘I think I should tell you, sir, that Mister Nutt acquired entrance to the building through gates that were securely locked.’

‘Did he tear them off their hinges?’ asked Vetinari with apparent enthusiastic interest.

‘No, sir, he lifted the gates bodily off their hinges and stacked them neatly against the wall.’

‘Ah, then there is still hope for the world.’

‘And the guards?’

Drumknott glanced for a moment at Lady Margolotta. ‘I have taken the precaution of stationing some of them inconspicuously in the Great Hall gallery with crossbows.’

‘Stand them down,’ said Vetinari.

‘Stand them down?’ said Margolotta.

‘Stand them down,’ said Vetinari again, directly to Drumknott. He extended his arm to her ladyship. ‘I think the term is, as they put it, alea iacta est. The die, your ladyship, is cast, and we should both see how it falls.’

‘Will you get into trouble for that?’ said Glenda, staying close to Nutt as they walked up the steps.

The main hall of the palace was an intimidating place when empty, because it had been designed for exactly that purpose.

‘Why didn’t you just knock like everyone else?’

‘My dear Glenda, I am not like anyone else and neither are you.’

‘Then what are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know. What will Ladyship do? I have no idea, although I am becoming aware of how she thinks and there are a few possibilities I have in mind.’

They watched two figures coming down the broad staircase that extended up into the rest of the building. It had been built to accommodate hundreds; the two people coming down looked uncharacteristically small.

‘Ah, Mister Nutt,’ said Vetinari as they had almost reached the bottom step, ‘and Miss Sugarbean. I must add my congratulations to the pair of you on the wonderful, albeit surprising, success of Unseen Academicals.’

‘I think you are going to have to make a lot of changes to the rules, sir,’ said Nutt.

‘Such as?’ said Vetinari.

‘I think you need assistants for the referee. His eyes can’t be everywhere,’ said Nutt, ‘and there do need to be some more rules. Although Mister Hoggett did the honourable thing, I think.’

‘And Professor Rincewind might make a very capable attacker, if only you could persuade him to take the ball with him,’ said Vetinari.

‘I would never tell the Archchancellor this, my lord, but I think he may be better in a more defensive role.’

‘Who would you suggest as an alternative?’ said Vetinari.

‘Well, Charlie, the animated skeleton who works in the Department of Post-Mortem Communications, did very well in trials. And, after all,’ he paused for a moment, ‘yes, after all, none of us can help how we’re made.’

They turned at a tap, tap, tapping behind them. It was Lady Margolotta’s foot.

Nutt gave a little bow. ‘Ladyship. I trust I find you in adequate health.’

‘And you likewise, Nutt,’ said Lady Margolotta.

Nutt turned to Glenda. ‘What was that term you used once?’

‘In the pink,’ said Glenda.

‘Yes, that’s right, I am deeply in the pink,’ said Nutt. ‘And it’s Mister Nutt, if you please, your ladyship.’

‘Would the two of you care to join us upstairs for a late supper?’ asked Vetinari, watching them both very carefully.

‘No, I don’t think we will impose, but thank you very much. I have a lot to do. Lady Margolotta?’

‘Yes?’

‘Would you come here, please?’

Glenda watched the expressions: Vetinari’s faint smile, her look of affront, Nutt’s confidence. The rustle of her long, black dress was an audible intoxication as she walked the last few steps towards the orc and stopped. ‘Do I have worth?’ asked Nutt.

‘Yes, Nutt, you do.’

‘Thank you,’ said Nutt, ‘but I am learning that worth is something that must be continuously accumulated. You asked me to be becoming. Have I become?’

‘Yes, Nutt, you have become.’

‘And what is it you want me to do now?’

‘Find the orcs that still live in Far Uberwald and bring them back out of the dark.’

‘Then there are more orcs, like me?’ said Nutt.

‘A few dozen, perhaps,’ said Margolotta, ‘but in truth I could hardly say they are like you. They are a sorry bunch.’

‘Is it they who should be sorry?’ said Nutt.

Glenda watched the faces. Amazingly, Lady Margolotta looked taken aback.

‘Many bad things were done under the Evil Empire,’ she said. ‘The best we can do now is undo them. Will you assist in this endeavour?’

‘In every way that I can,’ said Nutt.

‘I would like you to teach them civilized behaviour,’ said Ladyship coldly.

He appeared to consider this. ‘Yes, of course, I think that would be quite possible,’ he said. ‘And who would you send to teach the humans?’

There was a brief outburst of laughter from Vetinari, who immediately cupped his hand over his mouth. ‘Oh, I do beg your pardon,’ he said.

‘But since it falls to me,’ continued Nutt, ‘then, yes, I shall go into Far Uberwald.’

‘Pastor Oats will be very pleased to see you, I’m sure,’ said Margolotta.

‘He’s still alive?’ said Nutt.

‘Oh, yes, indeed, he is still quite young after all, and walks with forgiveness at his side. I think he would feel it very appropriate if you were to join him. In fact, he has told me on one of his all too infrequent visits that he would be honoured to pass the rate of forgiveness on to you.’

‘Nutt doesn’t need forgiveness!’ Glenda burst out.

Nutt smiled and patted her hand. ‘Uberwald is a wild country for a man to travel in,’ he said, ‘even a holy man. Forgiveness is the name of Pastor Oats’s double-headed battle-axe. For Mister Oats the crusade against evil is not a metaphor. Forgiveness cut through my chains. I will gladly carry it.’

‘The kings of the trolls and the dwarfs will give you all the help that they can,’ said Ladyship.