Terry Pratchett - Unseen Academicals

It seemed darker than usual. Generally, the Archchancellor’s rulings were obeyed, and it seemed to the members of Unseen Academicals that every door was closed, indeed slammed, as they searched for food. Every pantry was locked and spell-proofed. The team trudged helplessly from one hall to another.

‘I do have some reheatable pasta in my room,’ said Bengo Macarona. ‘My grandmother gave it to me before I came down here. It will keep for ten years and my grandmother says that it will taste as good after ten years as it does now. I regret that she may have been telling the truth.’

‘If you get it, we could cook it up in my room,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘If you like. It contains alligator testicles, for nourishment. They are very popular at home.’

‘I didn’t know alligators had testicles,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘They haven’t got ’em any more,’ said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

‘I’ve got a biscuit, we could share that out,’ said Ponder Stibbons. He was immediately pierced by their questioning gazes. ‘No,’ he said, ‘I am not going to countermand the Archchancellor’s orders any further than that. I would never hear the last of it, gentlemen. Without a hierarchy we are nothing.’

‘The Librarian will have some bananas,’ said Rincewind.

‘Are you sure?’ said Macarona.

‘I think the Librarian has a motto in these cases: “If you try to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands.”’

Trev, who had been lurking in the shadows, waited until the rumble of stomachs died away in the distance and then hurried back and knocked on the bolted door of the Night Kitchen. ‘They’ve all met up and they’re headed for the Library.’

‘Good, I think he’ll share his bananas with them,’ said Nutt.

‘I don’t really see the point,’ said Glenda.

‘The point is they are friends. Partners in adversity. They are a team. That is football. You have to train a team to be a team and I will have no problem with them having a very large breakfast in the morning.’

Nutt was changing, Trev thought. ‘Can I ask you a personal question, Mister Nutt?’

‘Nearly all the questions people ask me are personal, though do go ahead, Mister Trev.’

‘Well, er, all right. Sometimes you look big and sometimes you look small. What’s that all about?’

‘It is something built into us,’ said Nutt. ‘I believe that it is a product of the morphic field contracting and expanding. It affects your perceptions.’

‘When you’re upset, you do look very small,’ said Glenda.

‘What size do I look now?’

‘Pretty big,’ said Trev.

‘Good,’ said Nutt, helping himself to a slice of pie. ‘Tomorrow I intend to look even bigger.’

‘There’s somethin’ else we have to do,’ said Trev. ‘Pepe wants to help me. He thinks I’m gonna play football.’

‘Well, you are going to play football,’ said Nutt.

‘No! You know this! I promised my ol’ mum and you can’t break a promise to your ol’ mum, Gods rest her soul. Do you ’ave keys to the wine cellar, Glenda?’

‘Do you think I’d tell you, Trev Likely?’

‘Thought not. I want two bottles of best brandy. And, er, could you all come with me, please? I think Pepe means well, but he, er, well, you know him, it’s midnight and everythin’.’

‘I think I know Pepe,’ said Glenda.

There was a guard on the rear door of Shatta, but before he could even think of turning away Trev and his bodyguards, Pepe appeared. ‘Cor! Three chums. I must be very frightening,’ he said, leering. ‘Hello, chums, got the brandy?’

‘Yes, what’s this all about, Pepe? You’ve been putting the willies up Trev,’ said Glenda.

‘I never have! I hardly ever put the willies up anyone these days. I just told him he was going to play in the football.’

‘I promised my ol’ mum,’ said Trev, clinging to the declaration as if it were a tiny raft in a choppy sea.

‘But you’ve got a star in your hand and you don’t have much of a choice.’

Trev looked at his palm. ‘Just a lot of lines.’

‘Well there’s them that has the sight and there again there’s them that don’t. I’m one of those that have. ’s metaphorical, see. But all it is is that I would like to give you a little something that may be of use to you tomorrow. What am I saying? It might damn well save your life,’ said Pepe. ‘It’ll certainly save your marriage. I’m sure the ladies here would like to think that us at Shatta have done the best for you.’

‘For what it’s worth, Trev, I trust Pepe,’ said Glenda.

‘And this is Mister Nutt,’ said Trev. ‘He’s a friend.’

‘Yeah. I know what Mister Nutt is,’ said Pepe. ‘And you can come, too. I am pleased to make your… acquaintance.’

He turned to Glenda. ‘You girls stay here, miss,’ he said. ‘This is no errand for a lady.’ He ushered the boys into the gloom. ‘What I’m going to show you gentlemen is top secret and if you cross me, Trev Likely, I will do things that will make Andy Shank look like a playground bully.’

‘Andy was a playground bully,’ said Trev, as they reached what was clearly a forge.

‘Micromail,’ said Pepe with satisfaction. ‘The world hasn’t seen the half of it yet.’

‘It just looks like fine chain mail,’ said Nutt.

‘It’s strange stuff,’ said the dwarf. ‘I can give you a vest and pair of shorts and they better both come back here, boy, otherwise said implications will be performed on your arse and I ain’t kidding. This stuff isn’t just for making the girls look pretty. You would be amazed what it can do with just a little change in the alloy.’ He pointed to a glistening heap. ‘It’s as light as a feather and doesn’t chafe, you know.’

‘And what else does it do?’

‘I’ll show you in a minute. Slip on a pair of the shorts.’

‘Wot, here?’ said Trev.

Somehow, Pepe looked like a small demon by the light of the forge. ‘Ooh, look at Mister Bashful!’ said Pepe. ‘Just pull a pair on over your trousers for now and I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll even turn my back while you’re doing that.’ He looked away, fiddling with the tools beside the anvil. ‘Got ’em on?’ he said, after listening to a few minutes of heavy breathing.

‘Yes, they, er, well, they feel all right.’

‘Okay,’ said Pepe. ‘Could you just wait ’ere one moment.’ He disappeared into the darkness and, after a succession of strange noises, walked back into view, slowly and awkwardly.

‘What’s that you’re wearin’, Pepe?’ said Trev. ‘It looks like a mass of cushions to me.’

‘Oh, just a bit of protection,’ said Pepe. ‘Now if you could just go back a little way, Mister Nutt, and Trev, if you could oblige me by putting your hands on your head, it just helps to get the measurements right.’ He turned his back on them. ‘Okay, Trevor, are your hands on your head?’

‘Yeah, yeah.’

At which point, Pepe spun round and hit him full force in the groin with a twenty-four-pound sledgehammer…

Surprisingly, the only effect was to send Pepe crashing into the opposite wall. ‘Perfect!’ said his voice, muffled by the padding.

Morning came, but it seemed to Glenda that there was no night and no day, no work and no play, there was just football, ahead of them all, drawing them together. In the Great Hall the team had a table all to themselves. Servants and wizards side by side, filling up as only Unseen University could.

Football owned the day. Nothing was happening that wasn’t about football. There were certainly no lectures. Of course, there never were, but at least today they weren’t being attended because of the excitement about the upcoming match rather than not being attended because no one wanted to go to them. And after a while, Glenda became aware of the sound which was coming from the city itself.