Andrew Fox - Fat White Vampire Blues

Her beads jangled loudly as Bessie made her way slowly around to the passenger’s side. Jules leaned over and opened the door for her. Before getting in, she said, “Now, if I go with you, I get me a comfortable place to sleep for the night, right? That’s the deal.”

Jules licked his lips as he drank in her large figure, silhouetted in the weak glare of a streetlight. “Sure, baby. You’ll be sleepin‘ real comfortable tonight. Deal. Now slide on in.”

They drove back through the deserted central business district to a sleazy stretch of St. Charles Avenue. Jules parked in front of the Hummingbird Grill and Hotel, a brick-faced, 150-year-old building that had once been part of a row of luxury town houses. Its once pristine bricks were now coated with decades’ worth of grime. Rattling air-conditioning units dotted the building’s facade like mechanical zits. Jules liked the Hummingbird. It was cheap, it never closed, and it was a century past its prime. The place had character.

Jules popped open the Caddy’s electric door locks. “Here we are, baby.”

Bessie was unimpressed by their destination. “Shee-yit,” she said, a petulant frown pulling down the corners of her mouth. “I thoughts we was gonna eat some place nice.”

Jules was already halfway onto the sidewalk. “The Hummingbirdis nice. Food’s real good here. ‘Specially the seafood. You’ll see. C’mon.”

Jules tried hard to remember his manners. He held the restaurant door open for his guest. She walked infuriatingly slowly, waddling through the foyer like an obese seal. It took every bit of his fading willpower not to nibble her neck as she paused to peek up the dim, narrow stairway that led upstairs to the hotel; but he reminded himself that good things come to those who wait.

Jules selected a table close to the kitchen, as far from the windows as they could get. He wanted nothing to distract her from her meal. While waiting for the waitress to bring menus and silverware, he amused himself by rereading for the hundredth time a handwritten sign posted near the pay phone by the cash register: NO TALKING TO IMAGINARY PERSONS. Jules got a kick out of that, being kind of an imaginary person himself. He wondered whether the waitress would be breaking house rules when she came over and asked him for their order.

After a couple of minutes of waiting for a server to come and furtively admiring his companion/dinner, Jules lost his patience. He half stood and snapped his fingers loudly, finally managing to catch the eye of one of the two waitresses on the floor. “Sweetheart. We need dinner here, not breakfast.”

The waitress favored him with a half wave. “Hold your horses, dawlin‘. I got ten other customers to take care of. Be right with you.”

By the time she brought over the menus, Jules had made their selections off the chalkboard posted by the kitchen door. “The lady here’ll have an oyster po‘ boy with a helping of red beans and smoked sausage and a side of corn bread, thanks.”

Bessie thumped the table in protest. “Hey, what’s wit‘ you? Don’t I get to order what I wants?”

Jules quickly patted her arm. “Baby, it’s more classy when the man orders for his lady. You want that po‘ boy dressed?”

Slightly mollified, Bessie turned to the waitress and said, “Dress it with tartar sauce and my-nezz and tomatoes and pickles, and don’t skimp on them ersters!”

The waitress scribbled a few abbreviations onto her pad. “Got it, dawlin‘.” She turned back to Jules.

“And what can I get for you?”

Jules frowned slightly. “Umm. Just good, hot coffee for me, sweetheart. And keep it coming.”

“Sure thing.”

Bessie’s eyes widened. “What? You mean you just gonna sit there and watch me eat?”

“I’m not hungry, baby,” Jules lied through his sharp teeth. “But it does my soul good to watch a pretty lady enjoy a big meal.“

“Whatever floats yo‘ boat.” Bessie took a long sip of water, staring at Jules over the rim of the glass. “Say. Y’know, you jus’ about the whitest white man I ever seen.”

Jules smiled, careful not to expose his teeth too much. “Yeah. I get told that a lot. Got a history of skin cancer in my family. So I tend to stay outta the sun.”

The waitress brought a heaping basket of corn bread and placed it in front of Bessie. Jules grimaced when he glanced at the dish of spreads she set down. “Miss! Hey!”

The waitress turned back toward their table. “Anything the matter, dawlin‘?”

“Yeah. Dump this low-cal margarine crap. Bring us some real butter, huh?”

“Ho-kay.” She raised an eyebrow as she scooped the dish up from the table. “Some people worry ‘bout their calories, nowadays. Rest of the food’ll be out in a second.“

Jules decided to ignore the insult. He gulped down his first cup of coffee as he watched Bessie slather great hunks of corn bread with butter. The po‘ boy sandwich, when it arrived a few minutes later, was more than a foot long-thick slices of French bread embracing dozens of deep-fried oysters, the whole concoction dripping with gobs of mayonnaise and creamy tartar sauce. The generous portion of syrupy red beans was replete with fat logs of sausage that overhung the bowl. Jules watched the light of the green neon sign outside the window glisten off the pools of grease that floated atop the red beans. His date appeared to have an appetite as fierce as his own. Already the po’ boy was half gone. Jules’s eyes half closed with pleasure as he imagined his repast to come. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a small shrill voice repeated the headline of the newspaper article he’d pinned up in his cab. Really, he shouldn’t be doing this to himself anymore. But he buried the annoying voice with an avalanche of delicious anticipation. Hell, he could start dieting anytime. Why tonight?

By the time Jules was halfway through his third cup of coffee, Bessie had finished her meal. She wiped a few crumbs from the corner of her mouth, more crumbs than remained on her plate. Jules pushed aside his coffee cup and patted her plump hand. “Man alive, I love seein‘ a woman eat. You all filled up? Want some dessert?”

Bessie patted her round stomach and grinned. “No thanks, baby. I be stuffed solid.”

“Good.” He grabbed the check off the table. “Let’s go, then.”

She paused in front of the stairs by the cash register after he paid the bill. “Ain’t we goin‘ upstairs? I could use a little lie-down after that meal.”

“No, baby. We’re goin‘ for a little drive. I’ve got me a nice cozy camp out by Pass Manchac, on Lake Maurepas. We’ll have our lie-down out there.”

Jules sighed with contentment as he headed up the on-ramp onto Interstate 10. The big Caddy was in its element on the highway, its air-pillow suspension letting Jules imagine he was piloting a yacht through gentle seas. As soon as they passed the western suburbs of Metairie and Kenner, they left the artificial glow of civilization behind, and the sky quickly filled with stars. It was a night for music. Jules reached for the pull knob on the radio.

“You like oldies music?”

Bessie grinned. “Sure! I likes any kind of music.”

The radio was preset to the only station Jules listened to-WWOZ, a community radio station that specialized in old-time New Orleans music. Soon he was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the Dixie Cups, Clarence “Frogman” Henry, and Fats Domino.

He glanced over at his passenger. Bessie was staring intently out the window, watching the distant lights of fishing boats and oil platforms on Lake Pontchartrain as the Caddy sped along the Bonnet Carrй Spillway. He figured she must not get out of the city much. “Enjoying the ride, baby?”