K Parker - Memory

Spenno closed the book and vanished it into his coat. Poldarn took a deep breath, then let it go.

'I'm sorry,' he said, not quite sure what he was apologising for.

'That's all right. Not your fault, after all.'

For some reason, Poldarn was pleased to hear Spenno say that. He went back to the shed, found the book and tried to remember the reference Spenno had quoted at him. But he must've remembered it wrong, because all he found was a detailed description of the proper method of refining curing salt from goats' urine, using a simple refractory made from an old bucket.

It was dark: dark as a bag, dark as twelve feet down a well shaft, dark as crows' feathers. 'This is so stupid'-Xipho's voice, a tiny beacon of context in so much darkness. 'If we get caught, they're going to throw us out-'

'Shut up, Xipho, for the gods' sakes.' Cordo: Monachus Cordomine, his old schoolfriend. 'It's around here somewhere, we've just got to-Right. Lamp.'

Short, deadly silence. 'Well, I haven't got it.'

'What?'

'I thought you were bringing it.'

'Oh, for fuck's sake-'

A click; familiar sound, flint and steel. A tiny flare of light illuminating a face. Interesting: a face (he realised) that no longer existed, because of the essential paradox. Interesting, because these days he couldn't get a fire lit to save his life.

'It's all right,' he heard himself say, 'I brought one. Knew you three couldn't be trusted.'

'Speak for yourself.' Gain Aciava.

'Will you all shut up.' Xipho, extremely tense. He'd got the tinder going, he was lighting the lamp. At least, it was too dark to see himself doing it, but he could remember lighting it 'Yes!' Cordo, excited; and the lamplight suddenly blossomed, revealing his face, and Xipho's, and Gain's, and his own. 'This is it,' Cordo was saying. 'We've cracked it.'

'That'll bloody do,' Gain hissed. 'Just grab the book and let's get out of here.'

The lamp moved, its circle of light impinging on the spines of several books. 'You sure this is the right shelf?' he heard himself say. 'Only-'

'Here!' Cordo, his voice suddenly brittle. 'Look.' The lamplight picked out a certain book and flowed into the embossed lettering on the spine, filling it like molten bronze poured into a mould. Concerning Various Matters,

'Brilliant,' Gain muttered. 'It'd bloody well better be worth all this aggravation, is all.'

'Worth it?' His own voice, recklessly loud. 'Are you out of your tiny mind? This is it, this is the book. Worth it, he says-'

'It's chained.'

Xipho's voice, dull and final as the sound of the arrow that hits you. Absolute silence.

'What do you mean, chained?' Gain said at last.

'I mean it's fucking chained,' Xipho replied, suddenly shrill. 'Like there's a stupid great big chain bolted to the shelf, to stop you taking the book away. Look!' Her hand inside the light circle, her fingers lifting a solid-looking brown steel chain that hung from the top of the book's spine.

'Shit.'

'Oh well,' Cordo said, 'that's that, then. Waste of bloody time.'

'Of all the idiots,' Xipho hissed. 'How the hell could you not've noticed?'

His own voice, defensive: 'I only saw it for a moment, how was I supposed to know they're so bloody paranoid they chain the books to the wall? Pathetic. I mean-'

'Fine.' Gain's voice, suddenly heavy. 'Screw it, then. Let's get out of here.'

'You can't be serious.' Himself, angry, upset, cheated. 'After all we've been through getting here. We can't just turn round and give up because of a stupid little bit of chain.'

'What're you going to do, then?' Cordo, sarcastic. 'Chew through it with your little pointy teeth?'

'Oh, come on,' he heard himself reply. 'We're supposed to be bloody sword-monks, Deymeson's finest. Little bit of chain's not going to stop us.'

Hesitant silence; the light centred around the book, with only Xipho's hand visible above the lamp. 'Well,' said Cordo eventually, 'we can't cut through it, not without a file.'

'File wouldn't help.' Gain, sounding gloomy. 'Probably hardened steel.'

'That's right, look on the fucking bright side.' Himself, unreasonably angry. 'Look, all that's holding it is this little staple-'

'This big staple,' Xipho corrected him, 'driven into solid oak.'

'All right,' he replied, 'so how about the other end of the chain? Bring that lamp closer, I want to see how it's attached to the book.'

Hesitation again; then the lamplight circle contracting, getting brighter as it got smaller. 'See?' His own voice, cockily triumphant. 'All we've got to do is slit up through the spine and the chain falls off.'

'You can't do that!' Xipho, as if he'd just suggested murder. 'Borrowing it's one thing, but you can't go cutting it up, that'd be-' Obviously she couldn't conceive of how bad it would be. That bad.

'Watch me.' He couldn't see, but could remember himself fishing one-handed in his sleeve for a little bone-handled folding knife; too clumsy with nerves to open it with just his fingernails, had to use both hands. 'Keep the lamp steady, will you? This leather's tough.'

'You can't-'

(Now, he remembered, now we're coming to the bad bit. I'd like to wake up now, please. Please? But the big black crow only shook its head: No, I want you to see this.)

The little knife blade sliding, sawing through the crumbling, tough leather; suddenly a chink, as the chain falls away and clunks against the shelf. 'Gotcha.' His own hiss of victory: 'Right, now let's get out of here, quick-'

He didn't need to watch the dream, because he could remember it perfectly well; so he closed his eyes, but the dream carried on behind them. Now I'm going to grab the book with both hands and pull; but it's wedged in tight between two big fat books, it doesn't want to come and I've just slit down the spine, I've got nothing to pull it out by.

So I grab hold as best I can, both forefingers and both thumbs, and I heave-and here's the book coming out in a hurry, and me staggering back. Here's me stumbling, bumping into Xipho; here's Xipho dropping the lamp. Here's where the lamp hits the floor, smashes. Here's where burning oil flies everywhere-the book in my hands, the other books on the shelf. Cordo's sleeve.

'You fucking idiot.' Gain, still under the impression that this is just a rotten accident, that the worst that can happen is that someone'll come and find us out. 'Now what're we going to do?'

Cordo, batting at his sleeve, but it's too hot for that, burns his skin. He screams, can't help it. Xipho, yelling 'Shut up!' Gain, trying to beat out the fire running up his friend's arm with his own sleeve drawn down over his hand. Nobody (except me) appreciating the true gravity of the situation; not just Cordo's sleeve, the whole fucking library is on fire That cold, sensible ability to assess a state of affairs and understand what's still possible, what's no longer possible. No longer possible to put out the fire, save the library or-regrettably-save Cordo; remember, the massive library doors are locked, the key's in the librarian's lodgings on the other side of the Great Cloister-Cordo and the library and Xipho and Gain and me, all smothered and burned to ash before the librarian can get here with it, even if he's running out of his front door now. As for scrambling back up the way they came, in through the skylight, impossible with a burning, screaming Cordo, but just possible without him-and then down the back wall into the deep shadows of the cloister, hidden from sight as everyone comes running with buckets and pails to fight the fire… Still possible (if Cordo is dispensed with) to save three out of four lives and get out of here, get back to the dormitory without getting found out.

Analysis: Cordo good as dead already, library beyond saving, but the three of us still capable of effective salvation.