Sarah Sparrow - A Guide for Murdered Children

It never occurred to Ganesha or Rhonda to ask Daniel and Lydia what they happened to be doing there; nor did it occur to the siblings to pose the same question themselves. The excitement of the day superseded the meaning behind Maya’s mirage of an appointment near St. Cloud that crystallized into the powerful vision of a remote farm in Jacobs Prairie, sixteen miles away. But Daniel sensed that something was troubling her. He had an inkling of what it was but chose to let it go.

At the gate, Lydia told Daniel to hang back because she wanted Rhonda to leave first. Rhonda waved to them as he drove out. On the highway, they stayed as close to him as they could, but when they got past the 94, he was swallowed up by traffic.

“We lost him,” she said.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? He was super shaky.”

“Well, duh. But that’s probably normal.”

“What the fuck is normal .”

“I mean normal for right after a moment of balance . We’ll see him at the Sunday night Meeting.”

“Ya think?”

“No way he’s going to miss getting a birthday cake.”

Twenty minutes outside Minneapolis–St. Paul International, the bossy little sister directed him to veer off the highway. She wanted to stop at Waite Park, “where Lydia’s parents are from.”

“Not a great idea,” he said.

He knew that Lydia hadn’t seen them since they came to stay, a few days after she killed the Tom Ford lookalike outside Tim Hortons.

“I didn’t say I wanted to visit ,” she said. “I just want to see the house.”

“What’s on your mind, babe? Is there something about what happened back there that you’re having a problem with?”

“A problem?” she said acidly. “Damn straight I’m having a problem. I’m having a problem that Rhonda killed someone he wasn’t supposed to.”

“The woman?”

“Yeah, the woman .”

“I get that. And it’s a shame. But shit happens.”

“Really? That’s just part of the deal? I don’t think so. Annie never talked about it. Annie never said, ‘Oh, by the way, sometimes innocent people die during the moment of balance . I’m sorry, Daniel, but it just doesn’t feel right.”

“I hear what you’re saying,” he said, trying to placate.

“That’s not what we’re here for. We’re here to make responsible parties accountable.”

“I see your point.” He was drawing on a technique that he learned in couples therapy with Rachelle. “But shit, Lydia—you don’t know anything about that woman at the farm or the evil shit she was up to.”

“And I don’t care . She could be the biggest scumbag in the world, but she wasn’t involved in what happened to Rhonda.”

“Maybe she was.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it . She was not involved —which means she didn’t deserve to die.”

“Blame it on the Great Mystery,” he said wryly.

“Fuck off.”

“Are you God now, Lydia? Is that what you think? That all of this—whatever it is that’s happened to us—makes us God?”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

She’d been guiding him through the streets and finally told him to park. Lydia slunk in her seat. It was raining but the storm abated. She stole glances at a redbrick house.

“Stay down,” he said.

“Why should I?”

“Oh come on,” he chastised. “The day’s been complicated enough.”

“I’m still Lydia,” she sighed. “And I miss my mom and dad. Don’t you miss yours, Daniel?”

“They’ve been dead awhile. Not a lot of love lost.”

“Sometimes I miss them so much … and what about our parents? We never even drove by our old house in the Falls. Why haven’t we, Troy? For fuck’s sake, it’s five minutes from the substation!”

“You know what the Porter said. It’s a distraction to our mission.”

“I don’t care about our mission!”

“You know you don’t mean that, Maya.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she cried. “But don’t you want to see it again, Troy? Don’t you want to play there? Don’t you want to see your room?” He solemnly touched her hand as she wept. “Don’t you want to see them again? Mom and Dad?—”

“Maya—it’s time to go. We really need to get home.”

“Home!” she said, bitterly. “Wherever that is.”

As he pulled away, Lydia gazed longingly back at the house where she’d spent her childhood. “I guess I should be grateful—they had me a lot longer than Maya’s parents did…” He was about to turn the corner when she shouted, “Wait! Go slow, go slower, Daniel, please? I know that… I have a feeling I’m never going to see them again—” The sobbing overtook her and Daniel knew the best thing to do was get out of there. He sped through the intersection as she stared helplessly out the rear window.

It didn’t look like anyone was home anyway.

1.

When they arrived at the Sunday Meeting, Rhonda was sitting in his usual place in the semicircle of chairs. (Daniel winked at Lydia, as if to say “Told you so.”) Thus far, José was the only one who had graduated, but his absence made the room feel empty. There hadn’t been any newbies in weeks and when Maya asked the Porter about that, she said, “It happens. Actually, when you and Troy got here, we had more customers than usual.”

Then, in she walked — tousled, tiny, on edge.

Maya caught a glimpse of her on the afternoon the Meeting had been disrupted; when Annie rushed outside to see about the fuss (and to rescue Bumble), Maya left her seat to watch the little drama from the door. Now the very same girl tiptoed in, looking about as peculiar, morose and defeated as could be. Annie appeared surprised, digging in her purse for the newcomer’s hibernating Guide , even before she stood to give her a proper greeting.

She was short and malformed. It seemed like she didn’t have any shoulders, let alone a collarbone, and was very, very young, at least as far as Meeting standards went. She nodded a painfully shy hello to the group so they’d at least stop staring. Maya was instantly charmed, in spite of herself. When it came “Winston’s” turn—the name Annie introduced her by, though Maya heard the girl call herself “Honeychile” on the day she trespassed with her school friend—she candidly explained what was wrong with her. “I lisp on account of my still having baby teeth.” Then she puffed up her chest and proudly announced, “I have the same thing as Dustin, from Stranger Things .” No one but Violet (who blurted out, “I love that show!”) seemed to know what she was referring to. Winston-Honeychile went on to share her puzzlement at “whatever the fudge happened to me,” adding that she thought it was “really scary but kind of cool.” Annie told her they’d talk more about it privately when the Meeting ended.

Maya found herself paying extra-close attention to Dabba Doo when it came his time to share.

He wore his customary professorial tweed ensemble—and was shoeless, as usual. It was Maya’s opinion that all children liked to go barefoot; she idly wondered why Dabba Doo was the only one who had the brilliant idea. (She got the feeling Annie would put a stop to it if any of the others followed suit.) He told the room that he was becoming depressed—“not really depressed but a little worried . Not worried, but… concerned ”—about the fact that he’d been there for so long yet didn’t seem to be any closer to “crossing the threshold.” He was afraid that he’d reached an impasse. Maya and Troy exchanged glances because Dabba Doo was expressing the same fears they were having themselves. “I can’t help but feel,” he said, “that the passion I had in the first months about reaching my moment of balance is beginning to fade. It pains me even to say it! But I do feel caught between worlds, so to speak—I seem to be half who I used to be and half Dabba Doo — half landlord, half tenant! I find myself sitting at home waiting for that child to just take over and give me marching orders! But he won’t, he won’t, he won’t. The boy just won’t , and I’m starting to worry he may never… oh, I know he’s here , it’s not that he’s gone away. I feel his feelings, think his thoughts, I even eat his precious gummy bears—which by the way, I have always loathed! But I only eat the green ones.” Everyone laughed. He turned to the Porter and said, “All that opens up a hornet’s nest of questions, doesn’t it?”