Софи Джордан - Firelight

I scoot closer, the draw of him too great. My warming core, the vibrations inside my chest feel so natural, so effortless around him. I know I need to be careful, exercise restraint, but it feels too good.

The pulse at his neck skips against his flesh. “Jacinda.”

My skin ripples at his hoarse whisper. I stare up at him, waiting. He slides down to land solidly on my step. He brings his face close to mine, angles his head. His breath is hard.

Fast. Fills the space, the inch separating us.

I touch his cheek, see my hand shake, and quickly pull it back. He grabs my wrist, places my palm back against his cheek, and closes his eyes like he’s in agony. Or bliss. Or maybe both. Like he’s never been touched before. My heart squeezes. Like I’ve never touched anyone before.

“Don’t stay away from me anymore.”

I stop myself, just barely, from telling him I won’t. I can’t promise that. Can’t lie.

He opens his eyes. Stares starkly, bleakly. “I need you.”

He says this like it doesn’t make sense to him. Like it’s the worst possible thing. A misery he must endure. I smile, understanding. Because it’s the same for me. “I know.”

Then he kisses me. I’m too weak to resist.

His lips are cool, dry on mine. They shiver—or is that me?

I kiss him tentatively at first, determined to stay in control this time…but still have this, enjoy the decadent play of his lips on mine, relish the break in my loneliness. He deepens the kiss, and I respond, thoughts dropping away, like pebbles plopping one by one in water, sinking down, down into dark oblivion.

I’m lost to sensation, to the taste of him, the scent of his clean skin, the mint of his toothpaste. And then there’s me. The arousing vibrations in my chest. The invigorating pull of my bones. The dancing tingles in my back…

Oh, God. Not again.

I break away, sever myself from him with an agonized gasp, pressing myself against the cold, unforgiving railing, letting the hard metal bruise my back, punish the wings that would dare surface. For now, they’re suppressed.

He buries his face in my neck, holding me close, whispering my name.

My face ripples, stretches tight. The bridge of my nose pushes, the ridges thrusting forward. I glance down at my arms. My skin blurs in and out, shimmering faintly. Gold dusted.

With a small cry, I twist around and bury my face into the cold bite of metal railing.

Panic coats my mouth. Fear edges in. Like the night in his car. I can’t believe I let this happen again. Can’t believe that I could have so little control. Be so stupid. Did I learn nothing the first time?

I breathe steadily through my nose, determined to hang on, to recover myself in front of him. I won’t be the one to reveal the greatest, most carefully guarded secret of the draki.

Peeking down at my arm, I detect only the barest gold shimmer. I flex my cheeks, test my face and find the skin loose again, normal. Human.

Will’s hand closes gently over my shoulder, his fingers squeeze hesitantly. “Jacinda—” After several more moments and I’m certain it’s safe, I turn around, breathing carefully, slowly, calmly….

He watches me, the misery vivid in his changeable eyes. My throat aches. He’s the only bright light I’ve found here. It’s not fair. In this case, my draki is working against itself. I touch my lips. They still burn, still taste of him.

His voice rumbles deep and smooth, like that day in the mountains, when emotions flowed as thick as mist. “I’m sorry. I guess I got carried away. I thought…” He shakes his head, dragging both hands through his hair, clearly misunderstanding, reading something else on my face. “With you, I just…Jacinda, I didn’t mean—”

“Stop,” I say.

Because I can’t stand for him to apologize for kissing me.

Not when I wanted him to. Not when I want him to do it again. I drag a deep breath into my lungs, satisfied that I have regained control of myself and stopped the manifest.

This is good, I remind myself. My draki responds to him. My draki lives. Just a little too well. I’ll learn better control, I let myself think. Because I need him. He’s all I have. Not Cassian. I don’t need Cassian to rescue me.

I have Will. Here, he’s my way back to the sky.

Will keeps babbling, like he can’t help himself. “I don’t blame you for thinking I’m a user, a player. I’m trying to get with you in the school stairwell like some—” I stop his mouth with another kiss. Nothing smooth or deft. Just pull his face to mine and press my lips to his. Partly because I want to, and I can’t stop wanting to. Partly because I don’t need to be reminded how much I really should avoid him. And partly because I have myself under control and want another try.

My lungs are cool. My skin is relaxed and loose. He doesn’t seem to mind my clumsiness. After a moment of shocked stillness, his hands slide around my back.

Instantly, the skin there starts to tingle again, the muscles tightening in readiness.

Proving, again, how wrong I am. I can’t control myself. Can’t stop my draki from surging to the surface around him. Bad, bad, bad, Jacinda.

His kiss grows crushing, devouring. He seems out of control, too. Before I have time to tear away again, the doors above us swing open, banging against the concrete wall. The heavy sound jars us both. Shoes skid and voices fill the air.

Will jumps away from me.

I press back as far as I can against the steel railing. My fingers curl around a paintchipped rail.

Two guys and a girl trot down the steps. They look us over as they pass.

“Hey, Rutledge,” one of the guys says, a nasty smirk on his face as he surveys us, smug and knowing.

Will nods once, his face grim.

We remain frozen, sitting apart as they descend, their feet loud slaps on the steps. The door below opens and clangs shut, sealing us in again.

“We better go.” Will stands.

I push up off the rail, legs wobbly.

“You gonna be okay now?”

“Sure.” I try to sound airy and offhand. “It was just a kiss, right?”

His face is expressionless. “I meant about the pep rally. You’re not feeling sick anymore?”

“Oh,” I say. “No. I feel fine. Thanks.”

He looks away and starts down the steps. I follow reluctantly, not sure what comes next for us. The bell rings as we emerge from the stairwell.

“Pep rally’s over,” he says unnecessarily. The hall is still empty, but it won’t be for long.

“I’ve got English,” he adds.

I cross my arms over my chest like I’m cold. And I am shivering, despite the heat.

My draki likes him too much to stay hidden. No matter how I try, I can’t control myself around him. I won’t kid myself that I can anymore. I can’t risk exposing the pride. Not even to keep my draki alive. And I can’t risk seeing the contempt in his eyes if he learns what I am. Not to mention what his family will do if they find out. And there’s Cassian…somewhere out there. Waiting. Watching. He could show at any time. He and Will can never meet.

I nod, my chest tight and aching. “I’ve got Spanish.” On the other side of the building.

“I’ll see you around.”

I say this first, an empty promise.

The hall comes to life. Fills with students slamming lockers. Voices seem louder, bodies faster, scents stronger.

Will still stands in front of me, looking at me like he wants to say something. My eyes tell him no, tell him to not say anything. What would be the point?

I have to end this thing between us for good…even if it means leaving this town without Mom and Tamra. I can’t keep this up, and I can’t bring myself to tell Mom that I’ve been consorting with the enemy. Both enemies. Will and Cassian.