Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“The one who had become pâté above the belt?”

“That’s the one. That night they had served the unlucky fellow his final helping. The door opened, Boboota saw his old comrade, ran to embrace him, and helped himself to a morsel from his plate, as a sign of their friendship. The next day he appeared before the hunchback demanding more. The hunchback tried to send him to the wisewomen; he realized the risk he was running. But Boboota raised a ruckus.”

“I can imagine,” Juffin said with a grin.

“In short, the hunchback was afraid that Boboota would bring the entire City Police Force to his door, and he chose the lesser of two evils. By the way, I saw the accounts. Boboota’s culinary pleasures were almost free of charge, in contrast to what the others laid out, of course. That’s the whole story, Max.”

“Not quite all,” Juffin corrected. “The most interesting task is still ahead of us. Now we have to save the reputation of Boboota Box, brave General of the City Police Force. We’ll have to give him your laurels, boys.”

“Why?” I protested, nearly choking. “You longed to send him into retirement, and this is the perfect pretext!”

“Max, you’d better stay away from politics. Just leave it to your daytime half. No, on second thought, better not. I see the same baffled look on his face. I might have expected you to understand, Sir Melifaro.”

“Do you mean to say—” Melifaro’s dark eyes lit up a flash of understanding.

“Well, yes. Topple Boboota and make the City Police Force the laughing stock of everyone in Echo? And how will they work then, those brave boys? And who will do their job? The seven of us? No, thank you very much. Moreover, every cloud has a silver lining. We’ll report to the King how the brave General Boboota went right into the thick of it to expose the criminal. But we’ll keep the truer version on hand for future use. So Boboota will be as good as gold. Although, even without that the poor thing is so scared of Max he’s developed a nervous tic.”

“And I was sure you’d kill us for finding him so soon,” I sighed in disappointment. “What a schemer you are.”

“Scheming is the most exciting thing in the world, Max. Magic alone isn’t enough to provide first-class entertainment. Ah, Sir Shurf is here! Where’s my office, anyway: in the House by the Bridge, or here in the Glutton ?”

“Good evening, gentlemen,” Shurf Lonli-Lokli bowed with perfect aplomb and sat down next to Juffin. “I’m not disturbing you?”

“Did you miss us, Lonki-Lomki?” Melifaro inquired acidly. “Did Mr. Bad Dream steal your job again?”

“My name is Lonli-Lokli,” said the Master Who Snuffs Out Unnecessary Lives in an even tone. “And our colleague is called Sir Max. You have a terrible memory for names, Melifaro. There are many exercises for improving the memory, you know.”

Sir Shurf grabbed the last cream puff and popped it into his mouth. I was stunned. Could Lonli-Lokli have learned how to joke? No, I must have imagined it. There were no exercises for developing a sense of humor—not in this World, nor in any other.

“Did you actually use your Gift, Max?” asked Lonli-Lokli. “I was certain that at this stage in our studies it wouldn’t be easy for you to lose your spiritual equilibrium. I probably underestimated the fieriness of your temperament.”

“No, on the contrary. My temperament is just fine. Something strange happened, though. I wanted to tell you, Juffin, so I stored it away in my memory. I didn’t get angry, and I didn’t get scared, during all that commotion, although I understood that under the circumstances that was exactly what was required of me. But the hunchback was so pathetic, with his absurd hatchet and his turkey-strangler, that I decided to play around. I thought that after all the rumors about my poisonous spittle he might be afraid of regular spit, too. It’s good that I hadn’t tried any games like that before.”

“Are you serious, Max?” Juffin stared at me with the most fearsome of his icy gazes. After a moment he sighed wearily. “Of course you’re serious. Well, it turns out you’re not the only one who can make blunders. On the other hand, it’s not a bad thing that questions of life and death don’t just depend on your unreliable emotions. You’re always dangerous! Always. It’s good that you know that now. We’ll just have to take life as it comes. You haven’t changed your minds about the pâté, fellows?”

Melifaro and I shook our heads vigorously.

“What affectation! Do you think I buy into your delicate spiritual sensibilities? Perhaps you’re even planning to request a vacation?”

“I wouldn’t think of it,” I protested, “especially if you’ll allow me to return what you have in your pocket to its proper place.”

“No way! The amount you downed already is enough until the day after tomorrow.” Juffin was trying very hard to be a gruff boss. “All right, here’s what we’ll do. You’re in luck, Melifaro, you can go home. And Shurf, it wouldn’t do you any harm to relax for a while. This End of the Year has wound everyone up—everyone except Sir Max. So let him report to duty. That clear, hero?”

Juffin looked at me so meaningfully that I knew there was something else in store.

“Right then, I’m off!”

Just as I was standing up to leave, I remembered something and grinned cunningly. “You still owe me dinner, Melifaro! As far as I remember, you didn’t have to pay a farthing in the Hunchback .”

“There’s only one thing on your mind!” Melifaro exclaimed. “As soon as you get up from one table, you’re making a beeline for the next. Don’t you care about anything in the World besides food?”

“Besides food? Of course I do! I’m also fond of bathrooms. Like my best friend, General Boboota Box. He’s taught me a lot.”

“But that’s very unfortunate, Max,” Lonli-Lokli said mournfully. “There are so many wonderful things in the World. Don’t you like to read?”

“I was only joking, Shurf,” I said, and left with a dignified air to the accompaniment of the friendly guffaws of Juffin and Melifaro. Only Lonli-Lokli had the presence of mind to wish me goodnight.

Juffin’s call reached me when I was already in the office.

I didn’t let you go home because I wanted you to try to fall asleep in my chair. You must try it, at least by around sunrise. I’m not joking! Other than that, do as you wish. Over and out.

I was puzzled. In any case I didn’t feel like sleeping. “Do as you wish.” That sounded tempting. I thought a bit, then sent a call to Melamori. I was glad to learn that she was in good spirits.

I’m very sorry. We closed the case already, so my morning order about the eateries has become invalid.

I know, Max. But maybe the hunchback had accomplices? They could be making King Banjee in my favorite café on the Victory of Gurig VII Square. Sir Kofa went home to sleep before I did. So if you’re ordering me to—

Of course I’m ordering you. The Unified Kingdom will simply perish if we don’t carry out an inspection. And I can’t go there alone. I’m terribly scared of the dark. I’m waiting for you. Over and out.

I even tossed my head in delight—how beautifully everything was turning out!

She arrived in half an hour, gazing at me in joyous anticipation, as only she could.

“Only no dark, deserted streets,” Melamori whispered with a smile. “But who will take your place on duty?”

“Kurush, of course. Who else?”

The buriwok opened one eye just a crack, then puffed up its feathers again.

We went for a walk along the well-lighted streets. And where else was there to walk, may I ask? In Echo, praise be the Magicians, there are no dark alleyways or backstreets.