Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“And here’s Sir Max,” Juffin announced solemnly, for some reason finding it necessary to state the obvious. “Please begin, Lady Chadsy.”

The lady turned to me. Upon seeing my garment, her face fell. Then she broke into the falsest of false smiles and turned away from me again hastily, all of which I found quite distressing. I took my place without any fanfare, arming myself with a full mug of kamra.

“Thank you, sir. You can’t imagine the brutes I had to deal with at the City Police department. They didn’t know how to offer a lady a sip of kamra, much less a comfortable chair. I was forced to sit on a rickety stool!”

“Oh, I can imagine,” said Juffin. Sincere sympathy was written all over his face. “But I am under the impression that it was an even more serious matter that brought you here.”

“Yes, indeed, Sir Hully. Already this morning I had a premonition. I knew I ought not to go shopping. And I didn’t, because I trust my premonitions. But then my friend, Lady Hadley, sent me a call. She was very anxious to see me, and I couldn’t refuse her. We agreed to meet in the Pink Buriwok . I decided not to call for an amobiler, but to go on foot, since I live on the Street of High Walls, so—”

“Yes, the Pink Buriwok is just a stone’s throw away,” Melifaro nodded. Lady Chadsy looked at him with unfeigned interest, and not a trace of maternal tenderness.

“Exactly, sir. I’m surprised at how quickly you understand me. Perhaps you also live nearby?”

“No, but I’m planning on moving there soon,” Melifaro informed her in a confidential tone. “Please go on, my lady.”

The lady blushed with pleasure. I could hardly keep from laughing aloud, though it would have been quite awkward if I had lost my composure. The lady would no doubt have refused to give a deposition until they had me strung up and quartered—all the more since my Mantle of Death reduced any hypothetical manly charms to zero.

“I left home despite the premonition. And it hadn’t misled me. I had not gone a block when some horrible barbarian came around the corner wearing a disgusting, dirty looxi with sleeves, and dreadful-looking trousers. And the boor was swaying back and forth! I had never seen such a drunk man—well, with the exception of my cousin James, whom I once found in a similar condition. But that was well before the Code Epoch, so Cousin James can be forgiven. But this drunken scoundrel started waving a knife around at me. He even slashed my new skaba, which I bought only yesterday at Dirolan’s! You can imagine how much it cost. I can’t stand men like that, so I gave him a punch in the nose before I really got frightened. He hissed some strange words at me. ‘Who-are, who-are!’ At first I thought he had the impudence to ask me who I was. But then he hissed ‘Old-who-are!’ and ran away, so I think it must be some primitive barbarian curse. I went home to change and sent a call to Hadley so she wouldn’t be angry that I was late, and I explained the reason I had been delayed. Hadley said that it might be the murderer they wrote about in the Echo Hustle and Bustle , and that truly frightened me. And she advised me to come to you—well, not to you personally, Sir Hully, but to the House by the Bridge. Then I hailed an amobiler and hurried over here. That’s all there is to tell. Do you think it might be the same killer? But he was such a weakling! I can’t understand why those poor women couldn’t wrestle him down. Just one punch was all it took.”

“Thank you, Lady Chadsy,” Juffin announced ceremoniously. “I think your courage has saved not only your own, but many other lives, as well. And now, you may go home. I regret that our meeting was so short, but it is our duty to find the culprit who insulted you as soon as we are able.”

“You will find him, gentlemen. Of that I am certain!”

The lady made her exit, swaying her hips gracefully, and now and then casting sultry glances at us over her shoulder. Melifaro, the lucky man, received such a passionate parting smile that he nearly crashed to the floor under the weight of it. When Lady Chadsy had finally disappeared from sight, the poor guy rolled his eyes heavenward.

“Sinning Magicians, what did I do to deserve such punishment?”

“Well, if worse comes to worst, you’re guaranteed a position as a salesman at Dirolan’s,” Juffin said with a grin. “Max, have you remembered how you differ from ‘normal people,’ to use the terminology of this poor man?”

I shrugged, and drank the rest of the cold kamra. I differed from “normal people” in many ways, especially just now. I would have to try to discern how all my former compatriots differed from my present ones, but the amusing episode with Boboota and the heart-wrenching confession of Lady Chadsy distracted me from my thoughts on the matter.

“Here I am!” Sir Kofa Yox beamed at us with the complacent smile of a man with a full stomach. “I’m sorry I’m late. I was detained by a very amusing incident. I was just going into the Old Thorn when your call came, Juffin.”

I leaped up and knocked over my chair. The mug, blessedly empty, clattered to the floor.

“What an idiot I am!” I cried. “How could I have forgotten! The Soup of Repose! Remember what happened to me, Juffin? Of course he was swaying back and forth on his feet! He sure must have been! Of course, it was my countryman. The guy tried the soup! No more murders for him!”

“Well, that’s that,” Juffin sighed in relief. “Our troubles are over. Though we have nothing to be proud of. We’re just lucky. Theoretically, the killer could have wandered around Echo forever, eating something else.”

“What happened when you ate the soup?” Melifaro asked, perplexed. “I don’t quite get the connection, gentlemen.”

“Max can’t eat Soup of Repose,” Juffin explained. “But don’t even think about joking about it, son. It affects him like poison. He was knocked out flat for three days after eating a bowlful, and I was powerless to help.”

“Poor guy,” Melifaro said sympathetically. “That’s why you’re so overwrought all the time. As though Lonli-Lokli were sitting on your backside. You’re really missing out, mate.”

“I hope it’s the worst loss I experience,” I said indifferently. “I can get along fine without the soup.”

“Everything makes sense to me now,” Sir Kofa announced suddenly. “You can send Lonli-Lokli to the Old Thorn. The killer’s there. He’s the reason I was late.”

“I’ll go myself.” Melifaro jumped up and made it to the doorway in a single bound. “You can’t just kill a miracle of nature like that! Moreover, the Master Who Snuffs Out Unnecessary Smiles is busy with my paperwork. It would be a sin to deprive him of the pleasure.”

“We’ll go together,” said Juffin and stood up. “I’m curious, too, not to mention Max, who simply must exchange greetings with his compatriot. And Sir Kofa has full right to his portion of the laurels.”

Frankly speaking, I wasn’t especially eager to accompany them. I would have to encounter a person who had traveled the same road I had, through the Door between Worlds, to use Juffin’s terminology. If it were up to me, I would have postponed the meeting. But no one thought to ask me.

They put me behind the levers of the amobiler—we had some distance to go, and time was short. Along the way, Sir Kofa recounted his experiences.

“Just after midday, a strange fellow entered the Thorn. As everyone knows, Mr. Chemparkaroke adores oddities. The stranger, the better—that’s his motto. Chemparkaroke is still just as curious as the day he arrived in Echo for the first time from the island of Murimax. Anyway, the visitor made his entrance by shouting out something from the doorway: ‘All women are . . .’ something or other. A hole in the heavens above, I can’t remember for the life of me.”