Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“You’d still get confused. Eat up, Max! It’s the pinnacle of my accomplishments. For forty years already I’ve been dreaming of retiring and opening a restaurant. It would even outdo The Glutton .”

“I don’t doubt it. Only the King won’t let you retire.”

“That, of course, is only a matter of time.”

“Does it ever occur to you that people might be afraid of eating at a restaurant like that? And what rumors will start up about the food you serve there? They’ll say you slice up carcasses of rebel magicians and add them to all the dishes; that you siphon the blood of innocent children into the soup!”

“Good golly, boy, that’s the best kind of advertisement! But innocent children—that’s a new one. I’ll have to start up a rumor about it.”

I didn’t expect to get anything more concrete out of him. There was one idea that dawned on me that night just before I left, though.

“I’ve decided to take Lonli-Lokli with me,” I announced, shocked at my own genius. “That’s possible, I hope?”

“Actually, the cell is just meant for one. Will you sleep locked in his embrace? Then again, with your notions of comfort—”

“No, you don’t understand. I’m planning on shrinking him and hiding him in my fist. Sir Shurf taught me that himself a few days ago. He says I’m quite good at it. True, I haven’t had the opportunity to use it on living people, yet,” I added uncertainly. Suddenly my confidence dried up like a puddle in the desert.

“Objects or people, it works just the same,” Juffin said. “It’s a fine idea, Max. I told you that no one could handle this case better than you.”

“That remains to be seen. Will Lonli-Lokli agree, do you think?”

“In the first place, Shurf will be flattered by your confidence in him. He takes you far more seriously than you might imagine. And, second, his opinion is beside the point. An order is an order. You’d better get used to it, by the way. You are second in command, and giving orders isn’t a choice, but a duty.”

“Sinning Magicians! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s giving orders,” I said with a grimace.

“Is that so? And who frightened the junior clerks out of their wits with his menacing growls in our half of the House by the Bridge? And who nearly drove Boboota into a conniption fit? Don’t sell yourself short, Sir Max. You’ll make an excellent tyrant—one of those who kills with pleasure during palace coups.”

“The first few times I had the opportunity to give orders, I must admit I enjoyed it,” I said sheepishly. “Then I realized that it just wasn’t for me. Even when I send the errand boy for kamra I feel that I cease to be that sweet, kind Max I’ve known all these years. So I feel like it’s someone else who gives orders. And I can’t say I like that someone else.”

“How fastidious we are,” Juffin said with a sniff. “Fine. Don’t worry. I’ll send for Shurf myself and explain everything to him. Any other requests?”

“None for now. I just know that I’ll feel much safer in the company of Lonli-Lokli. Juffin, have I ever told you that I’m a rather cowardly fellow? Keep it in mind.”

“If you can believe it, I’ll feel safer myself,” Juffin admitted. “Have I ever told you that I’m a sly old fox, but careful beyond measure? Learn the art of description, Max. I said almost the same thing you did—but how much more flattering to my pride!”

I left the hospitable home of my boss in a tumultuous state of mind. I told myself that if Juffin were foolish enough to entrust the operation to me, I wasn’t going to answer for the consequences. But a newly awakened A-student syndrome prompted me to do everything to the max (as it were), or to die of shame. Where was it, this A-student syndrome, when I had been going to school, I’d like to know?

However much I grumbled, I knew all too well that when it was over I’d be happy to see the smile on Sir Juffin Hully’s face, and to hear the proud exclamation to his protégé (an exclamation, which could buoy up someone who had just fallen off a mountain). “You see Max? I told you everything would work out! And you didn’t believe me.” I just had to reconcile myself to the thought that I would undertake any exploit to earn the indulgent smile of my mentor. That’s how far things had come!

It was a cold night, one of the coldest that winter. In my homeland, the thermometer would probably have read around 32°F. The climate in Echo is more than moderate. There are neither hard frosts, nor heat waves—which, to be sure, is fine with me. The romance of a snowy winter never did capture my imagination. I can’t stand going to work in the dusky morning twilight, shuffling along a dirty white sidewalk, feet completely benumbed in soaking boots, and contemplating how much a pair of new ones would cost. And in the heat of summer, I’m ready to sell my soul for a breath of fresh, cool air. So the mild climate of Echo suited me down to my toes. Well, at least something makes me happy, praise be the Magicians.

I was driving home, trying to think not about tomorrow, but about something else—namely, whether I would get the chance to see Lady Melamori in the morning. By that time, my interest in Lady Melamori had begun to assume dangerous proportions. The worst thing was that for the life of me I couldn’t figure her out. Since the evening we had met the first time, she had looked at me with undisguised adoration—sometimes even with slight fear. But excessive admiration, as far as I’ve been able to judge, rarely gives rise to true intimacy. So I didn’t know myself whether I should still have hope, or simply get a grip on myself before it was too late. Whether it was already too late—of this I wasn’t sure.

Then several days ago she had thoroughly disarmed me by saying, “Come to my place this evening, Sir Max. You don’t know where I live yet? It’s very easy to find. I live next to the Quarter of Trysts. Amusing, isn’t it?”

My head started spinning. I took a deep breath, scrubbed myself in the baths for about two hours, and donned the best looxi from my modest collection. I almost started powdering my nose, since here in Echo men are not ashamed to use makeup—at least on special occasions. But my conservative upbringing restrained me from taking that last fateful step.

I ordered Kurush to guard the office—that bird really beats all! When I got to Melamori’s house, though, I found the Minor Secret Investigative Force assembled nearly in its entirety. At first I couldn’t get over my disappointment:

“My lady, you could have warned me that this would be business as usual. Do we not see enough of each other during working hours?”

When I’m upset I always grow tactless. Luckily, I didn’t offend anyone.

“On the upside, I don’t have Boboota here, Sir Max,” the hostess boasted proudly. “What’s more, he’s not in any of the neighboring houses, either! Amazing, isn’t it?”

“Ah, but that’s a shame, my lady! Who am I to converse with? I was planning on talking with a competent expert about everything that floats in the swamps and outhouses. Let me just drop in on Lady Melamori, I thought. I’m sure General Boboota is already there.”

I tried to make light of the situation. My colleagues were clearly amused by this. At last I cheered up, too—but there was no glimmer of a romance that would eventually burst into flame that night. The iconoclastic Lady Melamori flirted with Sir Melifaro and Sir Kofa, but to me she only threw tender glances from a distance of a dozen steps, no fewer.

I realized I was becoming despondent, and I tried to distract my thoughts from her. But how could I distract myself right there in her presence! The vagueness of our relationship tore me apart. If she had just told me where to go, everything would at least have become clear. No means no. The interested parties hang themselves in the outhouse; life goes on. But every time we met, she stuck to me like a leech, like a five-year old girl to a three-foot tall Mickey Mouse. She stood up on her tiptoes, batted her eyelashes in rapture, and all but called over all her girlfriends to take a look. My heart, obviously, melted from her attentions. And I sank in deeper and deeper . . .