Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“Judging by what a rotten sleep I had last night, we could arrest the entire population of Echo for abuse of forbidden magic,” Juffin spluttered angrily, gulping down half the mug of kamra at one go. “Only where could we lock them all up? There aren’t that many free cells in Xolomi.”

“That bad?” Kofa asked, frowning skeptically.

“Worse than bad. Every time I started to doze off, another misuse of magic signal would sound, and I’d just about jump through the roof. I was cursed to be born with such sensitive ears. What’s been going on, Kofa, do you have any idea? The Let’s Make Potions Festival, featuring members of all the Ancient Orders?” The boss drank down the rest of his kamra with an indignant slurp, then proposed with obvious relish, “Is it possible that I have slept through a government revolt?”

From the depths of his chair, Sir Kofa observed Juffin’s fuming with paternal benevolence. He waited until he was quiet then permitted himself to launch into an explanation.

“I feel for you, Juffin, but it wasn’t really that entertaining. In fact, it was rather sad.”

“It sure must have been. Well, don’t keep me on tenterhooks! What happened?”

“What’s there to say that you don’t know already? Old Sir Fraxra is in very bad shape. The wisemen are absolutely powerless to help—after all the fellow’s already over 1,000 years old. Not every magician lives that long and Fraxra was just a young novice of some bedraggled Order. They booted him out of there pretty quickly, too, and found him a position at Court. That’s where the matter ended.”

“Yes, I know all that. Did the old man really decide to try to prolong his existence? There’s something suspicious about it. He’s a sensible man, and he’s well aware of his own limits.”

“He is, indeed, a very sensible man. Sensible enough to understand that there are things you have to part with in due course in the World before leaving it. The household staff and servants adore him. Including the cook.”

Juffin’s face brightened.

“Ah, yes. Sir Shutta Vax, the youngest son of the legendary Vagatta Vax, Head Chef of the Court of Gurig VII. The one who retired after the Code of Krember was introduced.”

“And right he was to do so, too. Old Cuisine is Old Cuisine, after all. A kitchen wizard like Vagatta Vax—what would he do without magic of the 20th or 30th degree? Boss around the kitchen boys? I think not.”

“But Shutta learned a thing or two from his daddy, from what I understand,” Juffin mused.

“But of course. You know that Shutta Vax would go through hell and high water for his old master. And to break the law a little for the dying Sir Fraxra with a speciality of the family house is the least he could do. In short, last night a Chakkatta Pie was born. And the nocturnal merrymakers kept their noses to the wind without knowing why themselves.”

“I forgive him for my troubled sleep,” said Juffin. “The young fellow, of course, found you and asked you to put in a good word for his blasted noggin?”

“Shutta Vax did, in fact, find me and warn me that he was going to break the law,” said Sir Kofa. “His loyalty to the King, of course, is hereditary, not a matter of conviction. The fellow decided to save us the extra trouble. He said that if we considered it necessary to send him to Xolomi, he was ready for it. He requested only that we wait until morning, so he could feed the old man—then off to the executioner’s block he’d go.”

“That wily old fox knows that Juffin will never lay a hand on a kitchen magician. Well, I only hope that Sir Fraxra dies happy. I wish I could be in his shoes!”

“Shutta really is counting on your kindness. And as a sign of his gratitude, he decided to share responsibility with you,” said Sir Kofa. He drew a box out from the folds of his looxi and handed it to Juffin.

Juffin accepted the box as though it were a priceless treasure. I swear I have never seen such a reverent expression on his face! He lifted the lid and carefully folded down the sides of the box to reveal an enormous piece of pie. It looked like a neat triangle of the purest amber, gleaming from the inside with a warm light. Juffin’s hands trembled, honest to Magicians! With a sigh, he took a knife and sliced off a thin piece.

“Take it, Max. You can’t imagine how lucky you are!”

“You can’t imagine what an honor this is,” Kofa said with a smile. “If Juffin gave his life for you, I could understand it. But to share a piece of Chakkatta Pie! What’s gotten into you, Juffin?”

“I don’t know. He’s just lucky,” Juffin said. “I’m not sharing anything with you, Kofa. I’m sure that you already had your share.”

“That’s right. So don’t let your conscience bother you.”

“And I’m sure that slice was even bigger than this one.”

“Your eyes are bigger than my stomach! My slice was almost half as big as yours.”

I fingered the piece of pie as though enchanted. What kind of pie could this be? I carefully bit off a corner of the shining baked wonder.

There are no words to describe, in any human language, what happened in my mouth that wondrous morning. And if you think that you have already experienced all the pleasures that could possibly tantalize your taste buds . . . well, then, you are living in blissful ignorance. I will seal my lips, because the taste of Chakkatta Pie is simply beyond words.

When the tasting orgy was over, we fell silent for a time.

“Are you sure the ban can’t be lifted, at least for cooks?” I asked plaintively, shaken by the injustice of the ways of the World. If this is one of the dishes of Old Cuisine, I simply can’t imagine what the rest of it was like. My senior colleagues sadly cast down their eyes. Their faces wore the expressions of people whose dearest possessions have been irretrievably lost.

“Unfortunately, Max, it is thought that the world can come to ruin even through this,” Juffin said somberly. “Moreover, we weren’t the ones who wrote the Code of Krember.”

“The one who wrote it had probably been on a strict diet for about a hundred years, and hated humanity to boot,” I grumbled. “Is it really possible that His Majesty and Grand Magician Nuflin can’t allow themselves a piece of Chakkatta Pie for breakfast? I don’t believe it.”

“You do have excellent intuition. Regarding the King, I have my own doubts, while in the city there is talk of a secret kitchen, hidden in the basements of Jafax, the Main Residence of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover,” Sir Kofa remarked with studied indifference.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have joined the Secret Investigative Force at all,” I said, gazing at Juffin reproachfully. “Put in a good word for me at your Seven-Leaf Clover, will you? Maybe they’ll take me on as a janitor.”

Juffin nodded absently, chugged down the rest of his kamra, then turned a dazzling smile on us.

“Life goes on,” he announced. “Therefore, tell me, my dear friend: a pie is a pie is a pie, but did anything else happen here?”

“Everything, one might say, that falls under General Boboota’s jurisdiction,” Kofa said. “Trifles. Simply too many to count for one night. That’s why you couldn’t sleep. For example, the idiot smugglers tried to hide their contraband from Customs by applying black magic of the fifteenth degree. Can you believe it?”

“Yes,” Juffin said drily, nodding his head. “Exceptionally dull-witted. You might as well steal an old skaba, and then blow up the whole Right Bank so no one will find out.”

“Then there was a counterfeit job. Black magic of only the sixth degree. And there was an awkward amateur attempt to mix a sleeping potion. Piffle . . . Oh, here’s something of a more serious order. Belar Grau, former apprentice of the Order of the Secret Grass, has become a pickpocket. A real professional, by the way! They just about caught him last night . . . see for yourself.”