Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“Where’s Juffin?”

“Home or on duty, I don’t know. I didn’t try to find out. Do you know how long you’ve slept? Juffin and I like to wag our tongues, of course, but in the time you’ve been asleep, we could have discussed all the causes of the origin of the Universe, which isn’t terribly entertaining.”

“How long was I asleep?”

“More than twenty-four hours, Max. That did surprise me.”

“Wow! Juffin’s going to tear my head off!”

“Of course, he could do much worse, that awful Juffin. But I don’t think anyone intends to tear anything off you in the near future. Take it from an old soothsayer.”

“All the same, I’ve got to run,” I said anxiously. “I have to leave tomorrow . . . or the day after tomorrow. I don’t know.”

“Of course you must leave, boy,” Lady Sotofa said, nodding. “But first you have to bathe, and if there’s time, I’ll whip you up some kamra. I hate fussing around with the brazier, but I’ll make an effort for your sake.”

I smiled.

“You spoil me, Lady Sotofa.”

“Of course I do. Someone has to. The bathroom is downstairs, just where it should be. Nothing newfangled or out-of-the-ordinary around here, boy.”

“And I thought it might be in some other World altogether!” I shouted on my way downstairs.

“One doesn’t exclude the other,” Lady Sotofa called after me.

In the bathroom, I immediately started scrutinizing myself in the mirror. Yes, Lady Marilyn Monroe was no longer angular, thanks to Lady Sotofa and her Heavenly Half! I couldn’t take any credit, that was certain.

The illusion was so convincing that I undressed almost with a feeling of panic. Under the skaba, however, I discovered my own body. I sighed with relief and began to wash.

I ran back upstairs in leaps and bounds, from a surfeit of energy. Sleeping for more than twenty-four hours in a chair, and feeling so good afterwards—that is magic of a higher order!

The plump, gray-haired old woman, undoubtedly one of the most powerful beings in this World, was waiting for me at the table.

“Here’s the kamra, and here are some cookies. That’s all there is. But you don’t like having a real breakfast.”

I nodded.

“You know that, too!”

“It’s no mystery to me. You’re too young to have secrets from me, boy.”

“You frighten me. To know everything about me—that’s scary.”

“There’s nothing in the least scary about it, Max. On the contrary, it’s all very sweet. Even your dark past in some, please excuse me, insane place.”

“I completely agree with you that it is insane. Perhaps you might mend my broken heart, Lady Sotofa? That sadist Juffin claims that I have to learn to deal with all these misfortunes on my own. But I’m not managing too well.”

“Good gracious, me. What kinds of misfortunes can you possibly have? All your sorrows are like summer snow: now it’s here, now it’s gone, as though it never was. Just don’t bury your nose in the past all the time or keep dreaming of the future. Today you’re in masquerade. You should enjoy it!”

They were only words, but I felt as relieved as I had when Juffin had tweaked my ear.

Yes, what kinds of sorrows can you have, friend? I said to myself. You ran away from a place where you felt miserable, and ended up in the best of all Worlds, surrounded on all sides by marvelous people who do nothing but try to share their wisdom with you and treat you to delicious delicacies the rest of the time. And you just whine and complain, you ungrateful swine!

“Lady Sotofa, you are truly the best of women,” I said.

“Of course I am. And a great beauty, besides, if you’d care to know.”

“I can imagine,” I said. “I’d like to peek into the past, to get a glimpse of you in your merry youth!”

“To see how that crazy Juffin chased after me, brandishing a warrant for my arrest after I refused to leave the city with him? Well, fine, since now we can have a ‘girl to girl’ chat, I can boast a bit. Watch out, though! Make sure you don’t fall in love—you’ll fare worse with me than you did with Kima’s niece.”

And before I had a chance to register what she had just said, she jumped up and began swinging her arms in circles with astonishing speed. I couldn’t make anything out—only her hands flickering and flashing before my eyes.

“Well, what do you think?”

By then I had already been fairly showered with wonders, and had begun to think I would never again react with my former passion and fervor. But now, standing before me, I saw a petite young beauty. Rooted to the spot, I inhaled spasmodically. Exhaling proved to be problematic, however. The fantastic Lady Sotofa patted me on the back absently.

“Oh, come on. It wasn’t that scary.”

Somehow managing to breathe out, I closed my mouth and stared at this vision. She was the one who had the famous figure of Marilyn Monroe—whose name I had so carelessly appropriated. Lady Sotofa, however, was a dark brunette with almond-shaped green eyes tilting slightly upward toward her temples, and snow-white skin.

“Please go back to the way you were!” I was nearly overcome with the turmoil of my emotions. “But why don’t you—”

“Why don’t I always look like this? Of what use is it? So one of the young Magicians of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover might dream about pinching my behind at night? That holds no interest for me anymore, and I would just feel sorry for them, the silly men.”

Lady Sotofa again carried out her strange aerobic exercises, only this time her arms gyrated in the opposite direction.

“I think it’s really time you got back to the House by the Bridge.”

The smiling, plump old lady placed her warm and heavy palm on my shoulder. I nodded. I didn’t feel like talking. I had received a small miracle, and a fragile little piece of the odd wisdom of the women of the Seven-Leaf Clover into the bargain.

“Don’t be sad, Lady Marilyn. You’re pretty, too!” Lady Sotofa’s joyful laughter followed me. “Promise me that you will try to enjoy your adventure. Agreed?”

“I promise!”

And Lady Marilyn Monroe set off for work. Along the way, I stopped in at the first jeweler’s I came to and bought several expensive rings. Let’s make ourselves happy, sister! I had begun to make friends with my new persona.

I entered the House by the Bridge through the Secret Door, as was my habit. Only afterwards did I realize that could seriously blow my cover. Luckily, no one noticed my blunder. In fact, there was no one to be seen, either outside or in the corridor.

Juffin’s call reached me when I was already in our half of the Ministry.

It’s good you woke up, Max. Better late than never. I’ll be there in no time—I want to see what’s become of you. Melamori and I are on the trail of a very attractive poisoner. Nothing too serious, but I don’t like to let her go alone on excursions like this .

You’re absolutely right , I concurred.

I was happy for Melamori: on the job, and out of danger. That’s how it should be.

I don’t need you to tell me I’m right, son! Sir Juffin Hully snapped back at me. Over and out already!

A genuine idyll reigned in our office. Melifaro was sitting in state on the desk, his legs crossed, still as a statue. So that’s what he’s like when nobody’s there to see him, I thought.

When he noticed me—or rather the fetching Lady Marilyn—he started up, flitted from his pedestal, and stared at my new face with such undisguised admiration that I realized right away: here it is, Marilyn’s and my finest hour!

A crazy notion took hold of me.

Lady Sotofa had urged me to “enjoy the adventure,” and one must obey one’s elders.