Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“Don’t worry, Max,” Juffin grinned. “You’ve never seen me in action. I’ve become lazy with both of you around, but even I can come out of hibernation if need be. And it’s time to shake some of the fat off Sir Kofa.”

“You can say that again. I must admit, it never occurred to me that you might want to come out of hibernation. So you don’t object to Lonli-Lokli as my traveling companion?”

“Object? Those were my thoughts exactly. Only curiosity prevailed. I wanted to find out whether you’d guess where my sympathies lay, or whether you’d slip up this time and land in a puddle. Congratulations!”

“I assume that Shurf and I will have to disguise ourselves. The whole city recognizes us at a glance. I’m sure no one wants to go to Kettari in the company of two professional killers from the Secret Investigative Force.” I glanced at Juffin. “Did I land in a puddle?”

“Not yet. Keep going, Max.”

“It won’t be a problem for me,” I said confidently. “But how will Shurf pull it off? He’s so conspicuous. I guess Sir Kofa is our only hope.”

“Plop!”

I looked at the chief, stunned, then burst out laughing.

“Oh, you mean I fell in the puddle after all?”

“You sure did.” Juffin was beaming. “How modest you are, Sir Max. If there is to be a problem with anyone, it’s going to be with you. You don’t seem to be very observant. Praise be the Magicians, Shurf has an extremely inconspicuous appearance. The city is full of fellows just like him! Change the color of his hair, dress him in something bright and colorful instead of his white looxi, take off his gloves—and even you won’t recognize him. And there are plenty of tall people in the World.”

“All the better. But why should I have problems disguising myself? Do I have an unusual face or something?”

“To tell the truth, your face really is unusual. Have you ever seen anyone in Echo who could be mistaken for your brother?”

I was somewhat abashed. In fact, I had never paid any attention to such matters.

“You’re a rare bird in these parts. But that’s not the problem. Sir Kofa can transform your face into anything that strikes his fancy. The problem is your accent, Max.”

“Do I really—” I blushed.

“Yes, you do. You’re the only one who doesn’t notice it. And half the city already knows that only the ‘fearsome Sir Max, wrapped in his Mantle of Death’ speaks in such an abrupt and choppy manner. They’ll see through your disguise, however you might dress up. I won’t even mention your Silent Speech—sometimes it’s downright difficult to understand you.”

“But what will I do? Feign muteness?”

“Mute people use Silent Speech better than anyone. It’s the only way they can communicate. But don’t despair, Sir Max. We’ll turn you into an elegant damsel.”

“A damsel? Elegant? Me?!” My astonishment knew no bounds.

“Why are you so surprised? Sir Kofa will do some work on your face and voice, pick out a wig for you . . . It’s all quite simple.”

“I’ll become the laughing stock of the House by the Bridge this season!” I wailed. “Juffin, just what kind of damsel would I make?”

“A tall, skinny, and fairly broad-shouldered one. Perhaps not the type that appeals most to men, but that’s Lonli-Lokli’s problem. He’ll just have to travel with an ugly wife.”

“A wife! Surely you’re joking!” I was on the verge of tears.

“What’s gotten into you, Max?” the chief asked. “Of course you will pass yourselves off as a married couple. Married couples are the most frequent travelers to Kettari. They mix the pleasant with the practical; the purchase of carpets with shared relaxation and rest. If a woman with an accent like yours joins the caravan, everyone just assumes she’s from your part of the World. Why shouldn’t an upright citizen marry a lady from the Barren Lands? In Echo we love the exotic. You won’t inspire any doubts, and everything will work out just fine. And don’t look at me like I’m an executioner. Why are you so alarmed?”

I couldn’t explain why myself. Most likely, some slumbering prejudices had been awakened in me. If a man dressed up in women’s clothes, it meant he had some issues. Although the clothes themselves wouldn’t really pose a problem, I considered. In Echo the attire of men and women is so similar, the differences so minimal, that I still couldn’t distinguish a woman’s looxi from a man’s at that point.

“I don’t know what to say. I just feel rather awkward.”

“I see nothing in the least awkward about it. Good night, Sir Kofa.”

I turned around to look. There in the doorway was Sir Kofa Yox, our Master Eavesdropper, and the unsurpassed master of masquerade. He was carrying a sizable parcel.

“This sweet lad does not want to become a girl at all,” Juffin told him in a thin voice. “What do you think, Kofa, shall we overpower him, just the two of us, or call for assistance?”

Sir Kofa bestowed a patronizing smile on us both and hoisted his burden onto the table.

“Are you going to do it right now?” I asked plaintively. “Maybe you’ll let me go out for a little walk first?”

I was always assaulted by thoughts like this in the dentist’s chair. I wanted to dash off and come back “tomorrow”—that is to say, never.

“You’ve had your little walk,” said Juffin. “Listen, Max, it’s just ordinary dressing up. Like a carnival! Haven’t you ever been to a carnival?”

“Yes,” I grumbled. “I was six years old, and I dressed up like a rabbit.”

My colleagues hooted with laughter.

“A rabbit? At a carnival? In the Barren Lands!” Sir Kofa moaned. “Boy, do you ever think before you speak?”

I couldn’t help laughing myself.

“All right, come off it, Kofa. I really don’t have much experience of carnivals, so . . .”

“That’s better,” said Juffin. “Say, maybe you thought that we were going to turn you into a real woman? And that you’d have to fulfill your marital duties?”

“It wouldn’t have surprised me.”

“Don’t worry, son. For one thing, although making a woman out of a man and vice-versa is possible, Kofa and I aren’t powerful enough wizards to accomplish it. Sir Maba probably could, though. Well, no; even that’s unlikely. Why would he want to? I wouldn’t be surprised if Lady Sotofa could manage it. I’ll have to ask her.”

“And another thing; Sir Lonli-Lokli would never cheat on his wife with such a skinny, broad-shouldered alien. Praise be the Magicians, Shurf’s got sense when it comes to women.”

“What nonsense you’re talking, Juffin! Why ‘skinny’ and ‘broad-shouldered’? We’re going to end up with a very pretty girl, you’ll see,” Sir Kofa objected with the air of expert whose pride had been hurt.

He was already unpacking his parcel. I looked with horror as he pulled out some reddish curls—my future wig, no doubt! Juffin saw the expression on my face and burst out laughing again.

“We decided to do this early so you’d have time to get used to it,” Sir Kofa said compassionately. “I’ve dressed up as a woman many times. Oh, yes, you remember our first meeting at the Glutton! You see, women have a different bearing and posture, different gestures. They respond to things differently. Four days isn’t much, but you’re a quick learner. If anything, you’ll just pass for a damsel with a few eccentricities. And don’t worry, all the changes in your appearance are only temporary. By the way, Juffin, how long will he have to be in Kettari? I need to know.”

“Let me think. The journey there takes three days. In Kettari the caravan usually stops for six or seven days. Maybe that won’t be enough. It will be necessary to stay and wait for the next caravan—that’s two more dozen days. And then there’s the return trip. Yes, Kofa, I think the spell will have to last for four dozen days. Better to have some extra than not enough.”