Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

‘We found the shuttle, Miss Koboi,’ he panted, clutching a flexi-screen to his chest. ‘They went supersonic for barely a minute over the Mediterannean. But it was enough.’

‘Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,’ intoned Opal, finishing her chant. ‘Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is, so that I may feed him his organs.’

Mervall proffered the flexi-screen. ‘Red dot. East coast.’

‘Military?’

‘No, surprisingly. It’s a residence. No defences whatsoever.’

Opal climbed out of her snuggle-me chair. ‘Good. Run a few scans. Warm up the cannons and get me down there.’

‘Yes, Miss Koboi.’

‘And Mervall?’

‘Miss Koboi?’

‘I think little Descant has a crush on me. He told me earlier that I was very phototractive. Poor little simpleton. Could you tell him that I am unavailable? If you don’t, I shall have to have him killed.’

Merv sighed. ‘I shall tell him, Miss Koboi. I feel sure he will be disconnipted.’

Artemis found himself scratching Jayjay’s head as they moved through the manor.

‘Be calm, little chap. No one can hurt you now. We’re safe.’

Holly was behind him on the stairs, guarding the rear, two fingers rigidly extended. The fingers were not a loaded weapon but they could break bones with enough momentum behind them.

‘Come on, Artemis. Number One is weaker now, so we have to jump soon.’

Artemis stepped round a weight-sensitive pad on the twelfth step. ‘Nearly there. Seconds away.’

His study was exactly as he had left it, the wardrobe still open, a scarf drooping from the top shelf like an escaping snake.

‘Good,’ said Artemis, his confidence growing. ‘This is the spot. The exact spot.’

Holly was panting. ‘About time. I’m having trouble holding on to the signal. It’s like running after a smell.’

Artemis put an arm round her shoulder. A group of three — tired, hungry but excited.

Holly’s shoulders shook with an exhaustion and tension she had kept hidden until now.

‘I thought you were dead,’ she said.

‘Me too,’ admitted Artemis. ‘Then I realized that I couldn’t die, not in this time.’

‘I presume you’re going to explain that to me.’

‘Later. Over supper. Now can we open the time stream, friend?’

There was a sudden swish as the bay-window curtain slid back. Young Artemis and Butler were there, both wearing foil suits. Butler unzipped his suit to reveal a large gun strapped across his chest.

‘What was that about a time stream?’ asked ten-year-old Artemis.

Mulch Diggums was burying a gold coin as a sacrifice to Shammy, the dwarf god of good fortune, when the earth exploded underneath him and he found himself straddling the blade of a shuttle ice-breaker prow.

I never even heard that coming, he thought, and then, So much for Shammy.

Before he could gather himself sufficiently to figure up from down, Mulch found himself tumbled to the base of a silver ash tree with the barrel of a Neutrino restricting the movement of his Adam’s apple. His beard hairs instinctively realized that the gun was not friendly and twined themselves round the barrel.

‘Nice shuttle,’ said Mulch, playing for time until the stars in his vision flickered out. ‘Whisper engine, I’m guessing.’

Three pixies stood before him. Two males and a female. Generally pixies were not very threatening creatures, but the males were armed and the female had a look in her eyes.

‘I bet,’ said Mulch. ‘That you would set the world on fire, just to watch it burn.’

Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.

‘Thanks for that. Now tell me everything.’

I’ll resist for a minute, then feed her some misinformation, thought Mulch.

‘I’ll tell you nothing, pixie she-devil,’ he said, Adam’s apple knocking nervously against the gun barrel.

‘Oooh,’ said Opal, stamping with frustration. ‘Isn’t anyone afraid of me?’

She stripped off a glove, placing a thumb on Mulch’s temple.

‘Now, show me everything.’

And with a few remaining sparks of ill-gotten magic, she sucked every memory of the past few days from Mulch’s brain. It was an extremely unpleasant sensation even for someone used to expelling large amount of material from his person. Mulch gibbered and bucked as the last few days were vacuumed from his head. When Opal had what she wanted, the dwarf was left unconscious in the mud.

He would wake up an hour later with the starter chip for an LEP shuttle in his pocket and no idea how he’d got there.

Opal closed her eyes and flicked through her new memories.

‘Ah,’ she said, smiling. ‘A time stream.’

‘There isn’t time for this,’ insisted Artemis.

‘I think there is,’ argued ten-year-old Artemis. ‘You have broken into my house again, the least you can do is explain that time stream comment. Not to mention the fact that you are alive.’

Artemis the elder flicked his hair away from his face.

‘You must recognize me now. Surely.’

‘This is not a shampoo commercial. Please stop flicking your hair.’

Holly was bent almost double, her hand on her heart.

‘Hurry,’ she groaned. ‘Or I’ll have to go without you.’

‘Please,’ Artemis pleaded. ‘We need to go. It’s a matter of life and death.’

Young Artemis was unmoved. ‘I had a feeling you would be back. This is where it all began, right on this spot. I reviewed the security tapes and you simply appeared in this room. Then you followed me to Africa, so I thought if I saved the creature’s life you might end up back here with my lemur. We simply blocked our heat signatures and waited. And here you are.’

‘That’s pretty flimsy reasoning,’ said Artemis the elder. ‘We were obviously after the lemur. Once we had the lemur, why would we return here?’

‘I realize the logic was flawed, but I had nothing to lose. And, as we can see, a lot to gain.’

Holly did not have the patience for a Fowl gloating session.

‘Artemis, I know you have a heart. You’re a good person even if you don’t know it yet. You sacrificed your diamonds to save my life. What will it take for you to let us go?’

Young Artemis considered this for an infuriating minute and a half.

‘The truth,’ he said eventually. ‘I need to know the absolute truth about all of this. What kind of creature are you? Why does he look so familiar? What makes the lemur so special? Everything.’

Artemis the elder clutched Jayjay to his chest. ‘Get me a pair of scissors,’ he said.

Opal ran into the manor, casually squashing the magical nausea that flared upon entering a human dwelling without permission.

A time stream, she thought, almost giggling with excitement. Finally I can test my theories.

The manipulation of time had long been Opal’s ultimate goal. To be able to control one’s passage through time was the greatest power. But her magic was not strong enough without the lemur. It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow time down for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.

Opal tapped this into her notepad.

Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?

But, if she could gain entrance to the tunnel, Opal felt sure that she would quickly master the science involved.

It’s more than likely an intuitive organism and, after all, I am a genius.

She scaled the stairs, mindless of the scuff marks the high human steps inflicted on her new boots. Mervall and Descant trailed behind, surprised at this lack of footwear prudence.