Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

Momma. Mother.

He lifted his free arm and bashed the unwelcome leech against one of the Octobonds. It exploded in a spatter of mucus and blood, leaving half a dozen spines jutting from Artemis’s arms like the spears of tiny soldiers.

That’s going to hurt eventually.

Artemis’s throat was dry, his neck was twisted and his vision was impaired, but, even so, it took him barely a minute to activate the keypad with Mervall’s code and retract the bonds.

If these are alarmed, I’m in trouble.

But there was no klaxon. No pixies came running.

I have time. But not much.

He picked the spines from his skin, wincing not from pain, but from the sight of the red-rimmed holes in his wrist. A rivulet of blood ran from each wound, but it was slow and watery. He would not bleed to death.

Coagulent in the spines. Of course.

Artemis zombie-walked across the lab, gradually straightening out the kinks. There were hundreds of eyes on him. The animals were silent now, noses, beaks or snouts pressed against the wire mesh, waiting to see what would develop. The only sound came from the food-pellet robot zipping through its routine.

All I need to do is escape. No need for confrontation or saving the world. Leave Opal be, and run away.

But, of course, in the world of Artemis Fowl things are rarely straightforward. Artemis donned network goggles he found hanging from a low peg, activated the v-board and used Mervall’s password to log on to the network. He needed to know where he was and how to get out.

There were design plans to the entire facility stored on a desktop file. No security, no encryption. Why would there be? It wasn’t as if any of the humans above would wander down and, even if they did, humans could not read Gnommish.

Artemis studied the plans with care and growing anxiety. The facility consisted of a series of interconnected modules, housed in ancient tunnels beneath the Extinctionists’ compound, but there were only two ways out. He could go out the way he had come in, which was not ideal as it led straight back up to Kronski. Or he could choose the shuttle port on the lower level, which would mean stealing and piloting a shuttle. His chances of overriding complicated theft-prevention safeties before Opal had him vaporized were minimal. He would have to go up.

‘Do you like my little laboratory?’ said a voice.

Artemis stared past the goggle display. Opal stood before him, hands on hips.

‘Quite a place, isn’t it?’ she continued, in English. ‘All these tunnels were just here, waiting for us. Perfect. As soon as I found them, I knew I had to have them, which is why I persuaded Doctor Kronski to move here.’

Information is power, thought Artemis. Don’t give her any.

‘Who are you?’ he asked.

‘I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Miss Koboi, for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.’

As pompous as I remember.

‘I seem to be bigger than you, Miss Koboi. And, as far as I can see, you have no weapons.’

Opal laughed. ‘No weapons?’ she cried, spreading her arms. ‘These creatures have given me all the weapons I need.’ She stroked the sleeping tiger. ‘This big kitty augments my mind control. Those sea slugs focus my energy beams. A shot of liquidized dolphin fin mixed with just the right amount of cobra venom turns the clock back a hundred years.’

‘This is a weapons factory,’ breathed Artemis.

‘Exactly,’ said Opal, gratified that someone finally understood. ‘Thanks to these animals and their fluids, I have become the most powerful magician since the demon warlocks. The Extinctionists have been rounding up the creatures I need. Fools. Tricked by a cheap blast of holographic flames. As if I would kill these wonderful creatures before I drain their juices. You humans are such idiots. Your governments spend their fortunes looking for power when all the time it is cavorting around your jungles.’

‘That’s quite a speech,’ said Artemis, wiggling his fingers, tapping the v-board that only he could see.

‘Soon I will be-’

‘Don’t tell me — soon you will be invincible.’

‘No, actually,’ said Opal, with admirable patience. ‘Soon I will be able to manipulate time itself. All I need is the-’

And suddenly everything fell into place for Artemis. Everything about this whole affair. And he knew he would be able to escape.

‘The lemur. All you need is the lemur.’

Opal clapped. ‘Exactly, you bright Mud Boy. That wonderful lemur brain fluid is the last ingredient I need for my magic boosting formula.’

Artemis sighed. ‘Magic boosting formula? Listen to yourself.’

Opal missed the mocking tone, possibly because she didn’t hear it a lot. ‘I had a whole bunch of lemurs before, but the LEP appropriated them to cure some plague and I lost the rest in a fire. All my test subjects gone, and their fluids are quite impossible to replicate. There is one left and I need him. He is my cloning model. With that lemur I will control time itself.’ Opal stopped speaking for a moment, tapping her bow lips with a finger. ‘Wait a moment, human. What do you know of my lemur?’ She took the finger away from her mouth and ignited a pulsing sphere of flame at its tip, melting her nail varnish. ‘I asked you, what do you know of my lemur?’

‘Nice boots,’ said Artemis, then selected an option on the goggle screen with a flick of his finger.

Are you sure you wish to open all the cages? asked the computer.

The Extinctionists were sneaking back into the compound led by the intrepid Tommy Kirkenhazard, who brandished his empty pistol with decidedly more bravado than he felt.

‘I got stuff in that compound,’ he repeatedly told the mass huddled behind him. ‘Expensive stuff. And I ain’t leaving it behind.’

Most of the rest had expensive stuff too, and now that Kronski was catatonic in the souq and his guards seemed to have fled with their sparkling booty, this would appear to be the best time to reclaim their belongings and head for the airport.

Much to Kirkenhazard’s relief, the compound seemed utterly deserted, though the gelatinous group was spooked several times by night shadows jumping in the Moroccan wind.

I ain’t never shot nothing with an empty gun, he thought. But I don’t imagine it’s too effective.

They reached the door to the main hall, which hung from the frame on a single hinge.

‘OK, folks,’ said Kirkenhazard. ‘There ain’t no porters around to carry our stuff, so you got to hump it yourselves.’

‘Oh, my Lord,’ said Contessa Irina Kostovich, and swooned into the arms of a Scottish oil baron.

‘Gather whatever you can and we meet back here in fifteen minutes.’

The contessa was muttering something.

‘What was that?’ asked Kirkenhazard.

‘She said she has a pedicure booked for the morning.’

Kirkenhazard held up a hand, listening. ‘No. Not that. Does anyone else hear rumbling?’

The animals charged through the open cage doors with savage glee, hopping, jumping, flying and sliming. Lions, leopards, various monkeys, parrots, gazelles, hundreds of creatures all with one idea in mind: escape.

Opal was not amused.

‘I cannot believe you did that, Mud Person. I will wring your brain out like a sponge.’

Artemis ducked his head low, not caring at all for the brain/sponge imagery. If he avoided Opal’s regal stare, then she could not mesmerize him. Unless her augmented powers allowed her access to the brain without the conduit of the optic nerve.