Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

Artemis hurried to the cockpit, where Holly was glaring at a readout as if she could change the information displayed there. Jayjay was in the co-pilot’s seat and seemed to be in charge of steering.

Artemis pointed at the lemur. ‘This may seem like a silly question, but is Jayjay …’

‘No. Autopilot. And nice to see you alive, by the way. You’re welcome for the rescue.’

Artemis touched her shoulder. ‘Once again, I owe you my life. Now, I hate to move directly from gratitude to petulance, but why have we slowed down? Time is running out. We had three days, remember? There are only hours left.’

Holly tapped the readout. ‘We were pinged by something at the compound. Someone’s computers have downloaded our schematics. Can you tell me any more about that?’

‘Opal Koboi,’ said Artemis. ‘Opal is behind everything. She’s harvesting animal fluids to increase her own magic. If she gets her hands on Jayjay, she’ll be invincible.’

Holly did not have time to be incredulous. ‘That’s wonderful. Opal Koboi. I knew this little trip was missing a psychotic element. If Opal pinged us, then she’ll be on our tail in something a little more war-worthy than this clunker.’

‘Shields?’

‘Nothing much. We might fool human radar but not fairy scanners.’

‘What can we do?’

‘I need to keep us up here in the air-lanes with all the human traffic. We stay sub-sonic and don’t draw attention to ourselves. Then at the last moment we make a break for Fowl Manor. It won’t matter if Opal sees us then, because by the time she catches us we’ll be back in the time stream.’

Mulch Diggums poked his head through from the mail box. ‘Nothing much in here. A few gold coins. What say I keep them? And did I hear someone mention Opal Koboi?’

‘Don’t worry about it. Everything is under control.’

Mulch guffawed. ‘Under control? Like Rathdown Park was under control. Like the leather souq was under control.’

‘You’re not seeing us at our best,’ Artemis admitted. ‘But in time you will come to respect Captain Short and me.’

Mulch’s expression doubted it. ‘I’d better go and look up respect in the dictionary, because it mustn’t mean what I think it means, eh, Jayjay?’

The lemur clapped his delicate hands and chattered with what sounded like laughter.

‘It looks like you’ve found an intellectual equal, Mulch,’ said Holly, returning to her instruments. ‘It’s a pity he isn’t a girl; then you could marry him.’

Mulch imitated shock. ‘Romance outside your species. Now that’s disgusting. What kind of weirdo would kiss someone when they weren’t even part of the same species?’

Artemis massaged his suddenly pounding temples.

It’s a long way to Tipperary, he thought, and then a few more miles to Dublin.

‘A shuttle?’ said Opal. ‘A fairy shuttle?’

The Koboi craft was hovering at an altitude of thirty miles, tipping the border of space. Starlight winked on the hull of their matt-black shuttle and the Earth hung below them, wearing a stole of clouds.

‘That’s what the sensors show,’ said Mervall. ‘An old mining model. Not much under the hood and zero firepower. We should be able to catch it.’

‘Should?’ said Opal, stretching an ankle to admire her new red boots. ‘Why should?’

‘Well, we had her for a while. Then she went sub-sonic. I would guess their pilot is riding the human flight lanes until they feel safe.’

Opal smiled devilishly. She liked a challenge.

‘OK, let’s give ourselves every advantage. We have the speed and we have the weapons. All we need is to point ourselves in the right direction.’

‘What an incrediferous idea,’ smirked Descant.

Opal was pained. ‘Please, Descant. Use short words. Don’t force me to vaporize you.’

This was a hollow threat, as Opal had not been able to produce so much as a spark since the compound. She still had the basics — mind control, levitation, that kind of thing — but she would need some serious bed rest before she could muster a lightning bolt. The Brills did not need to know that, though.

‘Here’s my idea. I ran the lab tapes through voice recognition and got a regional match. Whoever that Mud Boy is, he lives in central Ireland. Probably Dublin. I want you to get us down there as fast as you can, Descant, and when that mining shuttle drops out of the air lanes …’ Opal closed her tiny fingers round an imaginary ant, squeezing the blood from its body. ‘We will be waiting.’

‘Fabulicious,’ said Descant.

The sun had risen and was sinking again by the time Holly dragged the spluttering shuttle over the Fowl estate wall.

‘We’re close to the deadline and this piece of junk is close to dead,’ she said to Artemis. Holly placed a hand on her heart. ‘I can feel Number One’s spark dying inside, but there’s still time.’

Artemis nodded. The sight of the manor somehow made his mother’s plight seem even more urgent.

I have to go home.

‘Well done, Holly. You did it. Set us down in the rear courtyard. We can access the house by the kitchen door.’

Holly pressed a few buttons. ‘Around the back it is. Scanning for alarms. Found two and a sneaky third. Motion sensors, if I’m not mistaken. Only one alarm is being remotely monitored and the other two are self-contained. Should I disable the remote alarm?’

‘Yes, Holly, please disable the alarm. Anybody home?’

Holly checked the thermal imaging. ‘One warm body. Top floor.’

Artemis sighed. Relieved. ‘Good. Just Mother. She will have taken her sleeping tablets by now. Little me can’t be back yet.’

Holly set the shuttle down as gently as she could, but the gears were stripped and the suspension bags were drained. There were dents in the stabilizers and the gyroscope was spinning like a weathervane. The landing gear stripped a channel of cobblestones from the courtyard surface, tumbling them like bricks of turf before the plough.

Artemis gathered Jayjay in his arms.

‘Are you ready for more adventures, little man?’

The lemur’s round eyes were filled with anxiety and he looked to Mulch for reassurance.

‘Always remember,’ said Mulch, tickling the creature’s chin, ‘that you are the smart one.’

The dwarf found an old duffel bag and began stuffing the remaining contents of the fridge inside.

‘No need for that,’ said Holly. ‘The ship is yours. Take it, dig up your booty and fly far away. Dump this heap in the sea and live off your earnings for a few years. Just promise me that you won’t sell to humans.’

‘Only the junk,’ said Mulch. ‘And did you say that I could keep the shuttle?’

‘Actually, I’m asking you to scrap it. You’ll be doing me a favour.’

Mulch grinned. ‘I’m a generous person. I could do you a favour.’

Holly smiled back. ‘Good. And remember, when we meet again, none of this ever happened, or it probably won’t.’

‘My lips are sealed.’

Artemis squeezed past him. ‘Now there’s something I would pay to see. Mulch Diggums with his mouth closed.’

‘Yes, nice meeting you too, Mud Boy. I look forward to robbing you in the future.’

Artemis shook his hand. ‘I look forward to it myself, believe it or not. We will have some fine times.’

Jayjay reached out for a handshake.

‘You look after the human, Jayjay,’ said Mulch seriously. ‘He’s a bit dim, but he means well.’

‘Goodbye, Mister Diggums.’

‘Later, Master Fowl.’

Opal was on her third round of the Gola Schweem meditative circle chant when Mervall burst into her private chamber.