Cassandra Claire: The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship

Whingy little hobbit, I’ve no patience at all.

Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.

Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.

Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.

Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.

Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits’ quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.

Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing — all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing — all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing — will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.

Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: “You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.” To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.”

Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn’t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn’s pocket for nothing.

Was in weird mood when I wrote this one. Oh, my head. Poor Elrond.

Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.

NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.

Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.

So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!

Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.

Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.

Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out — do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?

Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.

Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk — he's the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.

Everyone finally arrived for party — oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.

All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath bubbles?

Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.

Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?

Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.

Tiara looks better on me anyway.

Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny — purple dress looks fabulous on me.

Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice — she gets so grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.

Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.