Cassandra Claire: The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship

Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said “That’s not what you said last night.” After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, “I’m really meant to be King, you know.” Sure he is, and I’m the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.

In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.

Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!

Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything.

Hope he tries something.

Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us “little ones” to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo’s hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.

Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old ‘Horn of Gondor’ trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.

Am in bad mood. Boromir called me “Pippin” at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.

Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, “Not much difference really, eh?” In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, “Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables.” Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas’ nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself — far too many high kicks.

In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps….no, certainly not.

Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.

Still disembodied.

V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.

Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.

Witch-King of Angmar’s suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Have been given brand spanking new horse.

Not for spanking, of course.

Go me!

On minus side, still disembodied.

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.

Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)

Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Have been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.

Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having “girlfriend” that inconveniently got washed away in stream.

Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.

No, not that kind of oiling.

Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren’t you, what?

I have not bothered with Gollum's weird speech because it does not fit with the VSD style. Complaints about lack of canon accuracy can be sent to The Management.:D