Cassandra Claire: The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship

Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.

Stupid Sauron.

Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper” over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.

Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.

Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. “Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers.”

Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.

Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.

Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen’s dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas’ boots-and-skirt ensemble.

Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.

Cannot believe men still using hoary old ‘Blow the Horn of Gondor’ pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.

Too bad for Isildur’s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.

Stowed away in Legolas’ backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.

V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.

Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.

Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.

Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.

In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn’t exactly getting any older, either.

Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.

Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine’s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.

Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.

Someone’s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.

Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?

Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him “the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike” at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn’t understand it; he’s awfully pretty, but not so bright.

Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!

Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, “What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?” Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, “The ‘Still Not King guy, right?’ Did not respond; some people don’t deserve my conversation.

Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.

Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?

Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn’s direction… alas no dice. “But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!”