Neal Barrett Jr. - The Prophecy Machine

Finn sat on the edge of the bed and motioned Letitia to his side. “I have come to see, love, that even the Fates could not contrive to dump such an odorous load of dung into my life. No, there is something else at work here, something I have completely failed to see.”

“What, Finn? What is it you're trying to say?”

“I'm certain I must be wrong in this-yet, equally sure that I'm not, for it is the only thing that smacks of reason in this whole bizarre set of events.”

He reached over and took her hands, finding them suddenly icy cold. “You know I steer clear of mystic arts, Letitia. I wear no amulets, I have no use for spells. Yet, after all that has happened, I have to say our troubles smack of magic to me.”

“Oh, Finn …” Letitia drew her hands away, stood, and looked at the shabby wall. “I feel you're out of sorts, my dear. We are under a great deal of strain, and I cannot blame you for thinking as you do. Still, I have to say I don't know who would go to the trouble of buying a curse as troublesome and-and as threatening as this.”

“Nor do I. But that's what it feels like to me.”

“Who, then? I ask again, who could it possibly be?”

“Who would spend the money to fill my life-and yours-with chaos and misfortune? Why, several names come to mind.”

“Name one.”

“Count Onjine. He tried to use one of my lizards to murder the prince. You surely remember that.”

“Of course I do. But Onjine is dead. I remember that as well. Done in by the very trap he set for the prince.”

Finn made a noise in his throat, a deep and thoughtful noise, if one is familiar with sounds such as that.

“He has friends, Letitia. Friends, brothers and uncles and other wealthy kin. None as mean-spirited as Onjine himself I grant you, but still …”

“Name two. Name another who would do the same.”

“Teklo Amakin, he'd do it,” Finn said, slightly irritated at the need to pursue this.

“What?” Letitia did her best not to laugh, but a slight burst escaped all the same.

“I'm glad you're amused.”

“I'm sorry, but Teklo the Toother? This is the Teklo we're talking about?”

“I don't know any other Teklos. It is not a common name.”

“He took out your tooth.”

“He took out the wrong tooth. That is a different matter than simply taking out a tooth. I refused to give him a pence. He's never forgotten that.”

“Really, Finn …”

“No, not really Finn -the man puts on a kindly face, but he's full of bile. They're all like that, it goes with the toothing trade. Some are simply more vicious than the rest.”

“All right.”

“And that means what?”

“It means I'm sorry to have to say it, but I think you're overly tired. I feel you need some rest.”

“You feel I'm raving, possibly out of my head.”

“Don't be like that. I just don't think you're right.”

“So I see.”

“We don't need to argue about it. We simply have different opinions.”

“Yes. Quite different, I'd say.”

Finn stood abruptly, went to the darkened window and peered out at the night. If anything was there, he failed to see it. The window was so coated with years of grime, it could easily have hidden a horde of Hooters dancing naked on the lawn.

“I didn't say there wasn't a curse over you, Finn. I never said that.”

“You said I was overly tired. It's the polite way of saying I have a disorder of the mind.”

“Stop this. Please.”

“All right. It's stopped.”

“Your tone of voice says it isn't. I'm hungry, Finn. Do you think we could talk about this some other time? I'd rather not faint on this floor, which hasn't been cleaned in several years.”

Finn went to her at once. “I've been thoughtless, Letitia. I shall insist they bring you some soup. Soup or a stimulating broth. Broth is very good for the vapors, I understand.”

“ Solid food is what's good for an empty tummy. I certainly don't need any soup or any-stimulating broth. What I'd really like is-”

“-nothing you'll get in this cesspool, I promise you that.”

“What?” Finn looked at Julia perched on a hardback chair. “And how would you know? I've warned you not to jabber, have I not? Most especially when you've no idea what you're talking about.”

“You have indeed. But if I'm wrong about the menu here, you may strike me with a rock. Further, I'm sure Letitia is right. It is most unlikely you're under a spell. The Fates don't have to drop dung in your lap. Dung happens. It can strike anyone at any time. This time it's you.”

“Fine, that's it.” Finn threw up his hands, then let them collapse at his sides. “I'm assaulted by my own dear wife on one side, and a-a pile of scrap on the other. I'm out of sorts, mentally impaired, and oh-overly tired.”

“Don't do this, dear …”

“I won't. Don't worry. From here on, I'll keep my insane thoughts to myself.”

“Imagine,” said Julia Jessica Slagg, “I lived to see that.”

“No, that's not entirely correct.” Finn whirled about to face the lizard. “You talk, you slither about, you even have a ferret's brain inside your tin head. Whether you are actually alive is another matter.”

“That's not a nice thing to say,” Letitia said.

Finn gave her a cutting smile. “What do you want me to do, apologize to a bag of gears and wires? All right, I'm sorry, Julia. You think you're alive? Fine. You're alive and I'm overwrought. Dung happens. Sticks and Bricks, I've got to take a nap.”

“It's all right. I'm used to abuse. That's my mission in life.”

“Apparently, it's mine as well.”

“Poor you,” Letitia said. “Poor both of you. And I'm still hungry, does anyone care about that?”

Julia blinked her ruby eyes. “We have company. It's that ugly thing with hair.”

“I don't hear a thing,” Finn said.

Someone rapped lightly on the door.

“Come in,” Letitia said, “it's not locked.”

“How could it be?” Julia said, “It's scarcely a door.”

Letitia had seen Squeen only moments before, but the sight of him startled her all over again.

“Ssssssir and lady. Dinner isss be ssserving, if you pleassse …”

“Thank you,” Finn said, “but we're very tired, and we'd rather eat up here, if it's no trouble for you.”

“Issss no bees trouble, sssir.”

“Good, good. My apologies to our host.”

“Issss no bees trouble for Ssssqueen, but massster sssays no.”

“No? He won't let us eat, is that what you're telling me?”

“Eatsss isss fine. Masster sssayin' you bees comin' down. Issss bad mannersss, Masster Sssabatino sssays …”

“Damned if he does. That's outrageous. We simply won't put up with that.”

“Massster ssayin' you bees bringin' lizard perssson, too.”

“Listen, now-”

Squeen was gone. The door closed again. Or, as well as it ever did.

“Blast the fellow. He goes too far with me.”

“I'm hungry, dear.”

“Me too,” Julia said. “And some say I'm not even alive. Now is that a puzzler or what?”

“Finn …”

“Yes, my dear?”

“I hate to mention this, but since you haven't noticed, I'd better tell you now. We didn't get here with our satchel. I suppose we lost it in our flight. I fear we have no change of clothes, no brushes, no lotions of any sort.”

“Damn me,” Finn said, “I hate to hear that.”

“And what I said before? How I didn't feel any of this was your fault?”

“Yes, and I appreciate that.”

“I'd like to take some of that back. I don't have a thing to wear, Finn, except the same dirty dress. If you don't mind, I'd like to say I blame you for that …”