Sara Larson - Defy

Just as Damian had said to me all those weeks ago, duty came first with me. He’d been praising me for it then. I was sure he was cursing me for it now.

There was nothing for me to wear, and I finally went to the door and cracked it open. The cot I’d slept on was still there, and I had to take a deep breath to calm my emotions yet again. Lisbet was sitting on it, and when the door opened, she jumped to her feet.

“You’re up,” she said.

“I need some clothes, please,” I said, glancing around the room, grateful to see it was empty.

“What would you like to wear? King Damian’s official coronation is in a few hours. I’m sure he’d want you to be there.” She gave me a searching look.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I’d rejected him on the day of his coronation. Why hadn’t I been told? But then again, my answer would have still been the same.

“I’ve been commanded to continue my duties as guard to King Damian, so I would like to wear what the other guards are wearing,” I finally responded.

Lisbet nodded and turned to walk away.

When she came back, she handed me a uniform similar to what we’d always worn, but now it had the insignia of the king on the pocket of the vest.

“Will you be continuing your position as Alex or Alexa?” Lisbet asked, giving me a look from the corner of her eye after I climbed out of the bath she’d drawn for me.

“Alexa,” I said. “I’m not hiding who I am anymore.”

Lisbet nodded. “Your hair is growing out. Soon you’ll be able to braid it when you’re on duty, if you’d like.”

I reached up and was surprised to realize she was right. In the many weeks of traveling, it had grown a few inches, nearly reaching my shoulders now. Tears pricked my eyes again, and I smiled hesitantly.

“You’re still beautiful,” she said softly as she helped me get dressed. My left shoulder was stiff; Lisbet had told me it might take some time to get my full range of motion back.

“You don’t have to lie to me.” I wiped the wetness from my face in irritation before letting her help me pull on my shirt. For the first time, I wore a woman’s undergarment beneath it, instead of a cloth binding to hide my breasts.

Lisbet gently took my shoulders in her hands, forcing me to look at her. “True beauty is what lies inside of us, not what the world sees. A beautiful shell that houses a vile soul becomes sullied over time. But an outer shell, imperfect as it may be, that houses a beautiful soul shines with that beauty, radiating it for all who have eyes to see.”

I stared down at the floor, not meeting her eyes.

“We still see you , Alexa. Not your scars. Your scars are nothing to be ashamed of — they are a manifestation of your courage and determination. They are witness to the fact that you saved this nation.” She reached down and picked up my vest, guided my arms through it. “Those who truly love you will only ever see you for what you really are.”

I didn’t reply as I buttoned up the vest and strapped a scabbard around my waist. When I was dressed, Lisbet turned me to face the full-length mirror.

“You see? You’re fierce and lovely.”

I stared at myself, and at first, all I could see were my scars. But the longer I looked, the more I noticed other things. Like my hair, thick and dark and growing longer again. My eyes, untouched by the fire. My eyes were still my brother’s eyes, and our father’s. I still had my arms, my hands, my legs. I wore the uniform of the guard, but I looked different, and not just because of my scars. Without the binding, I had the figure of a woman, and I wondered what everyone else would think when they found out — if they didn’t already know.

But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. As I stood there, becoming familiar with my new reflection, an unexpected peace flowed over me. Warmth filled my chest until it spread throughout my whole body.

I was alive. Scarred — yes. But I’d done it. I’d done what I needed to do to save Antion, to give Damian the chance to save our nation — and I’d survived.

For the first time since the day I’d had to chop off my hair and pretend to be a boy, I smiled at my reflection.

Lisbet left to prepare for the coronation, but I lingered for a few minutes, relishing the newfound peace I’d discovered — however brief it might be. There was so much ahead of me that was still going to be difficult, even heartbreaking. Guarding Damian would be torturous, but I wouldn’t fail him, no matter how hard being near him would be. He still had a nation to rebuild.

And there were so many deaths to mourn.

But for this brief moment in time, I felt like I could face everything that waited for me.

When I finally walked into the outer chamber of Damian’s quarters, Rylan stood across the room from me, and my tentative courage wavered. He heard the door and paused, not turning around yet. “Alex?”

“You can keep calling me that if you want, but I’m not going to hide who I am anymore,” I said.

“Alexa, can I turn around?”

I walked to him, my heart pounding. “Yes,” I said when I stood only a few feet away.

Slowly, he turned to face me. His eyes widened slightly, and I recoiled, thinking it was from the scars. But he shook his head. “No, it’s not what you think — it’s that … you … you’re so beautiful.”

I would have responded the same as I did to Lisbet, told him to stop lying, but I could see the truth in his eyes. He even flushed a little bit. “I’m glad you aren’t hiding who you are anymore.”

I nodded, and then took a deep breath. “Rylan,” I began, my voice already trembling, “I’m so sorry.”

A shadow crossed his face, but he reached out and took one of my hands in his, warm and reassuring. “Please don’t apologize. Deron told me what happened. He told me how Jude sacrificed himself to give you the chance to attack Iker. I’m proud of him.” His voice was thick with emotion.

“He wanted me to tell you that he loves you,” I whispered.

Rylan nodded, and blinked hard a couple of times, his eyes glistening.

“Without his sacrifice, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.” My voice broke and Rylan looked away from me, trying to keep control. But then I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. He held me tightly as we cried together for all that we had lost.

Finally, he pulled back but kept his arms around me. He gazed into my face, and I knew he was one of those Lisbet had told me about — a person who loved me enough to see me , not my scars.

“Is it wrong to be grateful I’m still alive?” I asked.

“No.” Rylan smiled sadly down at me. “It would make them happy to know that their deaths gave us the chance to live in peace and happiness. I think Jude and Marcel would want us to be happy.”

“And Jaerom. And my parents,” I agreed.

Rylan nodded and as he looked into my eyes, his expression changed. “I’m the one who needs to apologize for the way I acted in Blevon. It was the worst mistake of my life to treat you the way I did because I was jealous. When I thought I’d lost you without your knowing how I really felt … it tore me apart.”

“Rylan, I —”

“Just let me get this out,” he said, his arms tightening around me. “I told you once before, and nothing has changed. I love you, Alexa. I’ve loved you for years, and I will continue to love you. I know you don’t feel that way about me. I know you love Damian.” The pain in his eyes made me want to comfort him, but before I could respond, he kept going. “I think you made the right decision about him, though. He’s going to be king . I don’t think he realizes yet what that’s going to mean.”