Sara Larson - Defy

When he walked in here and saw me, I’d know.

“Let’s get this over with already,” I finally said out loud to myself. “You’re being ridiculous. It’s just a face.”

I took a deep breath and held it, then brought up the mirror to see how bad it was.

My eyes widened and then filled with tears as I stared at myself. All my life, I’d seen my twin in my reflection.

The face I saw now didn’t look a thing like Marcel. The right side, yes. But the left … My tears spilled out and ran down my cheeks, leaving wet streaks on the silvery, ridged scars that covered my left cheek, trailed across my jaw and down my neck, plunging beneath the neckline of my nightgown and out of sight. At least my mouth hadn’t been affected, or my eye.

I turned the mirror around and set it down as far away from me as possible on the bed.

Lisbet had tried her hardest, I was sure. But I would always be a walking reminder of the horrors Antion had suffered under King Hector and Iker’s rule.

I was a monster — made by the hand of the true monster.

When I heard Lisbet opening the door, I flung myself down on the bed and pretended to be asleep. I couldn’t bear to face her, not yet. Not when I knew how bad my grief would make her feel.

I never wanted to see my face again. And I never wanted anyone else to see it, either.

IHELD RYLAN AND Damian off for three days, making Lisbet send them away again and again. But finally, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to come out sometime; I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life holed up in the prince’s room. I wondered if he was using the king’s rooms now, or if they held too many horrible memories for him. Maybe I was causing him to suffer by not letting him take back his old room.

With that thought in mind, I nodded when Lisbet said, “The king is here to see you … again,” on the fourth morning.

“She will see you now, Your Majesty.” Lisbet bowed and opened the door wider. I turned my face away, so that he wouldn’t see the ruined side yet, but I heard him say, “Lisbet, please, you don’t need to do all that.”

I remembered how I used to think it was an act when he’d tell us he didn’t like having us bow and use titles to address him. It made me flush with embarrassment, now that I knew how wrong I’d been about him.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Lisbet said, and I heard the door shut, leaving me alone with Damian. The king of Antion.

He was silent for a long time. I could feel his gaze on me, but he didn’t come closer. Was he afraid to see what I looked like?

At last, I heard him take a hesitant step forward. “Alexa … would you like me to leave?” He sounded so concerned, so unsure of himself.

I shook my head.

“May I … may I come sit by you?”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I clutched my hands in my lap. They were cold and yet slick with sweat. “Of course, Your Majesty,” I said, my voice shaky.

“Not from you, please, Alexa. I’m Damian to you still, aren’t I?” I heard him cross the distance between us, and felt the bed dip beneath his weight when he sat down beside me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye now. He wore the signet crown over his thick, dark hair, but his collar of office was a simple gold chain, unadorned by jewels — unlike the gaudy one his father had worn.

“You’re the king now,” I said.

He reached out and covered my hands with one of his. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m still Damian — and I still need you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and the tears I’d been trying to hold in spilled onto my cheeks. “If you wish for me to continue to serve on your guard, I would be honored to do so.”

His fingers tightened over mine. “Alexa, look at me.”

I shook my head, my eyes still closed.

“Look at me, please. I don’t care about the scars. I care about you ,” he said, his voice achingly tender.

I’d never heard him sound so unsure of himself.

“Please look at me, so I can tell you how much I care about you. How much I love you.”

It was hearing those words that undid me. My eyes flew open. For a moment, I forgot how ugly I was and turned to stare at him. He didn’t flinch or turn away. He looked straight into my eyes, and lifted his hand to softly cup the ruined side of my face.

“Alexa, I love you. Please forgive me for keeping so many secrets. There are no more; I promise. And I need you. I need you,” he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper, his familiar eyes intent on mine and oh so very, very blue in the light of the morning sun.

I didn’t pull away when he leaned forward and very gently touched his lips to mine, as if he were afraid of breaking me. My breath caught in my throat. I ached to melt into his arms, to believe his words, to believe I really could be with him.

But he was a king now.

And I was … not worthy of a king.

When I didn’t respond, he pulled away, his expression guarded. The hurt in his eyes nearly shattered my already broken heart.

“Alexa?”

“You’re a king, Damian. Do you intend to make me your queen? Because that’s the only way we could be together. And you and I both know I am not fit to be queen of Antion.” I gently pulled my hands out from his.

“Don’t do this,” he said.

“We both know it’s the right thing to do. If you wish me to serve you as your guard, I will. Although it might be difficult for me to be so close to you. Especially once you do decide to marry someone who is worthy to be your queen.”

Damian’s eyes flashed and he stood up abruptly. “Yes, you’re right, I am king of Antion. And I have the ability to decide who is worthy to be my queen.”

I had to make him leave, or else I wasn’t going to have the strength to say no any longer. Even if he couldn’t see it, I knew I was right. No one would respect him if he made his scarred, former guard his wife. He needed someone powerful, someone who could help him rule and heal his nation.

“Damian, it isn’t just that,” I said. My heart constricted in my chest, but I had to do it. For his sake. “I can’t trust you. I can’t be with you; I can’t be your queen when I can’t trust you.”

His jaw tightened and he stared at me. “After everything we’ve been through — after everything we accomplished together — this is your answer? You don’t trust me?”

“I’m very sorry,” I said, trying to make my voice firm, not to let him notice how I was trembling. How my eyes were stinging from the tears I couldn’t let him see.

He looked at me for a moment longer, then he nodded curtly, his expression hard. “Fine. Then, as your king ” — he spat the word as if he hated it — “I order you to continue to serve on my personal guard. And maybe someday, you will decide I am worthy of your trust after all.”

Without waiting for my response, he turned on his heel and strode to the door. He yanked it open and was gone.

I rolled onto my stomach and buried my sobs in my pillow.

EVERYONE LEFT ME alone for the next couple of hours, and eventually I forced myself to dry my tears and draw up my courage. I wasn’t going to hide in here any longer. I didn’t want Rylan to come visit me while I was lying in bed, too. I would face him on my terms — on my own two feet, even though the thought of looking at him, talking to him, knowing I was responsible for his brother’s death made my stomach turn.

I stood up and looked around for something to change into, instead of the long nightgown I had on. Everywhere I turned were reminders of Damian, of the night I’d come in to see him thrashing in bed from a nightmare. The time he’d stood by his desk, fidgeting with what I learned was his mother’s locket. I had to clench my jaw to keep the tears from rising again. I was certain I’d made the right decision, but it nearly destroyed me to do it.