David Gerrold - A Matter for Men

DUKE AND I were left alone in the room.

He looked haggard and very old. He was leaning on his elbows and staring into yesterday. His bony hands were clenched, two knotted fists pressed hard together, pressed against his jaw. "Uh, Duke . . ."

He looked up, startled. When he saw it was me, his face tightened. "What is it?"

"Um-I have some specimens."

Duke blinked. For a moment, he wasn't there; then he remembered. "Right. You'll find a set of handling cases in the storeroom. Do you know where it is? It's bungalow six. We'll send them out on Thursday. Try and keep those eggs and millipedes alive."

"I think the bigger problem would be killing them-" I saw that he had disappeared inside himself again. He had dismissed me. "Uh-Duke?"

He came back impatiently. His eyes were red. "Yeah?"

"Uh, did Ted talk to you yet?"

"No, he hasn't. About what?"

"He said he was going to. We thought that maybe-I mean, I am supposed to be an exobiologist-"

Duke held up one hand. "Spare me the story. What do you want?"

"A lab," I said quickly. "So I can do some of my own observations on the millipedes and eggs and that purple stuff from around the dome."

He looked annoyed. "I don't want you damaging those specimens before they get to Denver! I've got enough problems-"

"I'm not gonna `damage' anything!"

Duke snorted.

I said, "Duke, if you're pissed at me, then say so."

"I am not pissed at you-"

"I don't believe you." I walked around and sat down in Dr. Obama's chair and faced him. "What's going on here, Duke? This was the stupidest inquest I've ever been to-" He looked up at that, a question in his eyes. "Three," I answered before he could ask, "-not counting this one. Nothing was established here. Nothing at all. I grant that there aren't a lot of answers yet to most of our questions-but the questions that could have been answered weren't. They were whitewashed. So excuse me for being suspicious, but what was all this about?"

Duke shook his head. He stared at his hands. "You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do!"

Duke let that sink in. Then he said quietly, "You were only doing what Shorty told you to do. You were following orders."

I sniffed. I quoted from somewhere, " ` "I was only following orders" is not an excuse-it's an indictment.' "

"Who said that?"

"I just did."

Duke's expression was scornful. "Don't give me slogans, son. I've got a low threshold of bullshit. Especially today."

"I heard it in Global Ethics. And it's no slogan. It's true for me. Look-there's something I want you to know."

"I don't really want to hear it," he said. "In fact, I don't want to talk at all right now."

"Neither do I," I said. I could feel my voice starting to quaver. "But I have to! Until someone just listens to me!" My throat was tightening and I was terrified I was going to start crying. It was all bubbling up. I didn't even know what it was. I said, "I'm the guy who pulled the trigger, Duke. I'm the guy responsible. You and Dr. Obama can say whatever you want in an inquest, but I'm still the guy who did the job."

He looked like he was going to say something else, but he stopped himself. "All right, say what you have to then, and get it over with." His voice was very quiet.

"I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. I needed someone to talk to. I wanted to talk to you. I even got up once and went looking for you. I got as far as your door. I almost knocked. And I didn't-I don't know why. Yes, I do-I was scared. See, I didn't know if I did wrong yesterday or not. I wanted some ... help. But all I could hear was Shorty's voice saying, `Figure it out yourself.' Like he did with the manuals. So I didn't knock. And besides, I saw the light was on under your door. And I thought I heard voices. And I didn't want to interrupt anything-"

Duke started to say something, but I cut him off. "No, I want to finish this. Then you can talk. I didn't go right back to my room. You know the hill behind the camp? I went up there and sat by myself for a while. And-I let myself cry. At first I thought I was crying for Shorty, only after a while, I found out I wasn't. I was crying for myself, because of what I was realizing. And it has nothing at all to do with Shorty being dead."

I realized I was trembling. My hands were trembling on the table. I thrust them between my legs and held them there with my knees pressed together. I felt very small and very cold. I looked at Duke and said, "What I realized was that-even if Shorty hadn't told me to do what I did-I still would have done it, done the same thing."

Duke was genuinely surprised. "You would?"

I swallowed hard. It wasn't easy to speak. "Duke, it was the only thing to do. That's why I've been so ... crazy. I'd been trying real hard to convince myself that I did it because Shorty told me to-only I knew I hadn't. There wasn't time to think about it-it just happened. I didn't remember what to do or what I'd been told. I just did it-without thinking." I was looking down into my lap now. "Duke, I've never killed anyone before. I never thought I'd ever have to. All I knew was that it was something I never wanted to do-and then, yesterday afternoon, I found out that I could do it-and do it easily. And I've been going crazy ever since trying to explain it to myself. I keep looking for a way to make it all right. I keep saying that it was the circumstances, except that I know it wasn't the circumstances at all. It was me! And now-after this inquest-I can't even have it be a mistake! It was me. I did it. Nobody else. And I have to live with that now-that I can kill people." I added, "It's not really something that I want to know."

Duke was silent a moment, just studying me. I studied back. His face was craggy and weathered, his skin was sun-darkened and crinkled with use. His eyes were sharp and alive again and boring straight into mine. I stared right back.

Abruptly, he said, "All right, you've got your lab."

"Uh-thank you!"

"Yeah, I'll see how you feel in a week. Where did you want to set up this zoo?"

"The new bath house."

Duke looked at me sharply. "Why?"

"It's obvious. It's the only building in camp that's suitable. It's got concrete walls and very high small windows. Nothing could escape. At least, not easily. Nobody's using it because the plumbing was never completed; we could bring in portable heaters and fix up the interior any way we need."

Duke nodded. "That's exactly where I would have chosen. But I would have chosen it for you because it's a good safe distance from the rest of the camp. You'll have to clear out the stuff that's already in there. Tell Larry what you'll need in the way of special equipment, or if you need anything built. He'll find some men to help you."

"Yes, sir-and thank you."

He lifted his hand the barest distance from the table, a wait-a-minute gesture. "Jim?"

"Sir?"

"This is no party. Make your results count. Those specimens were awfully expensive." When he looked at me, his eyes were shinier than I'd ever seen. He looked haunted.

"I know," I said. It was suddenly very hard to speak. "I-I'll try."

I left quickly.

AN HOUR after I started cleaning out the bathhouse, Ted showed up with a sour look on his face. I told him what I wanted to do and he pitched in, but without his usual repartee of puns, wisecracks and pontifical observations. Usually, Ted radiated a sense of self-importance, as if he were coming straight from some very important meeting. He always seemed to know what everyone else was involved in. But this morning he seemed chastened, as if he'd been caught with his ear to the keyhole.

After a while, Larry and Carl and Hank joined us and the work moved a lot faster. They didn't speak much either. There was a Shorty-shaped hole in all our lives now and it hurt too much to talk about it.