David Gunn - Maximum Offence

Paper Osamu has been strict about this.

As U/Free ambassador to this section of the spiral she will not attend any function at which weapons are displayed. Although my gun is the exception. It has full citizen status under U/Free rules.

When it’s pointed out that Paper’s demand means no one can wear swords, she says the rule doesn’t apply to ceremonial weapons. Apparently, swords aren’t dangerous, they’re decoration. Shows what she knows.

Although who knows what Paper Osamu knows? Not me.

I don’t want to know, either. Sure, she is beautiful, intelligent and ambitious. She has the body of a teenage hooker, matched to the morals of an alley cat. This usually works for me. But she also has the mind of a snake.

And her grandfather is the new U/Free president.

It’s a titular role, obviously. That means he has no real power. But then nor do the U/Free if you listen to Paper Osamu. They’re just sweet lovely people who want to help the rest of the galaxy find peace and harmony, learn to love art and live for ever.

‘What are you thinking?’ asks Aptitude.

‘About Paper Osamu.’

‘You-’ She blushes. ‘Didn’t you?’

I nod.

‘Why?’ Aptitude has grown in the last few months. Either that, or she’s been storing up questions. She asks them with a new confidence. It comes, I guess, from having to cope on her own while I was away.

‘It was expected.’

She stares at me.

‘Also,’ I tell her, ‘I needed information.’

‘And that’s how you get information?’

‘One of the ways,’ I say. ‘You can learn a lot in bed. Who pays protection? Who demands it? Places not to go . . . Seems the rules that apply at my end of the scale apply at the other.’

Aptitude sighs when I say this.

‘Officer on deck,’ shouts Neen, as I approach.

As one, the Aux snap to attention.

A militia major glances across and begins to scowl. Then he sees my arm, which is piston-driven, but minus the spikes, and recognizes my face. He lets me go into the cathedral first.

The Aux have places at the back.

Aptitude has a seat. It might be behind a pillar and on the outer edge of a nave, but it is a seat . . . And that’s more than half the crowd have in this place. As for me, I stamp my way to the altar step and take up my position beside General Jaxx.

‘Sven,’ he says. ‘How good of you to join us.’

We’ve kept him waiting, I realize. We’ve kept them all waiting. From the look on the general’s face, he regards this as a huge joke. I’m glad; he could equally regard it as a shooting matter.

‘Your niece is here?’

I nod, my expression flat.

He smiles. ‘You,’ he says. ‘A family man. I can’t tell you how surprised I was. And to fly her halfway across the spiral like that . . . Our glorious leader told me,’ he adds, seeing my surprise.

‘OctoV?’

‘We are but falling sparrows in his eyes,’ says the general.

I’m still trying to work out what the fuck that means, when a wind blows through the cathedral and the lights flicker. In my throat, the kyp goes berserk, as the air begins to taste of electricity.

OctoV could enter quietly if he wanted to. But why would he bother? When he can appear in the centre of a storm, and have even the U/Free blinking and wondering what the little psychopath is up to this time?

Sven , says a voice in my head.

I snap to attention.

That isn’t kind. After I lied about Aptitude for you .

Everyone looks at me. Well, the general, the archbishop and all those choirboys who have been shooting glances at the bishop up to this point. There are days when I want to burn this bloody city down.

Believe me , says the voice in my head. There are days I want to burn it down too. But it’s the only one I have . This isn’t true. OctoV rules ten thousand systems. He has more cities than I’ve had whores.

Maybe , the voice says petulantly. But this is the only one I like .

I wait for the punchline and inside my head OctoV laughs.

It’s a terrifying feeling.

You’re right , he says. I don’t even like this one that much .

I want to wipe sweat from my skull, but I’m damned if I’ll give OctoV the pleasure. This time when he laughs everyone hears it. He looks about twelve and sounds younger. From what Colonel Vijay says, this is his first public appearance in more than a hundred years. ‘Well,’ says OctoV. ‘I suppose we’d better get on.’

Stepping up to General Jaxx, our glorious leader extends his hand and waits for the general to sink to his knees. I sink to my knees behind him. Although I’m not important enough to kiss the emperor’s hand.

At OctoV’s suggestion, I’m replacing the general’s ADC for the day. Reward for my part in overthrowing an evil Uplift plot. My rank of lieutenant is confirmed and the Aux now have official status. We’re going to be paid. Although I’ll believe that when it happens. I’m also officially part of the general’s staff, which allows me a second twist of silver braid.

The general’s rewards are more impressive.

General Jaxx is now Duke of Farlight. As of last night, fifteen families have gone into exile at this sign of imperial favour. His political enemies are crawling over one another in their desperation to become his friends.

If I were OctoV, I’d be afraid of putting this much power in the hands of one man. Particularly a man like General Jaxx.

But I’m not OctoV.

The choir does what choirs do, loudly and endlessly. Although I can see from the faces of those around me that they find it delightful. OctoV makes a speech in which he thanks Paper Osamu for her understanding.

He means for overlooking the fact an Octovian mother ship suddenly uncloaked in Uplift space. And then he does something strange. Our glorious leader stares out over a congregation made up of empire ministers, courtiers, generals and heads of the trading families, and calls my intelligence officer to the front.

Being Haze, he trips on the steps to the altar rail.

OctoV smiles indulgently.

‘Fuck,’ says my gun. ‘Now what?’

Everyone around us is far too polite to notice.

At a sign from the emperor, Haze removes his helmet and shakes free two braids, which drop around his shoulders. This part of OctoV’s speech is short, to the point and brilliant. The Enlightened might discriminate against Octovians, but Octovians do not discriminate against the Enlightened. Haze-ben-Col chose to serve OctoV in an elite sub-group of the Death’s Head.

That’s one way of putting it. And the general, at least, isn’t happy with that description. Although he swallows his expression quickly enough.

But OctoV has a new job for Haze. He’s to be our ambassador to the U/Free. When OctoV says this, Paper Osamu blinks. And then she smiles, twisting her lips into something close to amusement and nods approvingly. She’s impressed, and the whole galaxy can see she is impressed because we are all on lenz.

Kneeling, Haze takes a letter of introduction.

As he stands again, he catches my eye and for a moment looks apologetic. But I know how these things go. So I step back, to give myself space, and come to attention, saluting smartly.

It’s worth it for the appalled expression on his face.

‘Swings and roundabouts,’ says OctoV. ‘Swings and roundabouts.’

A wind is rising around him. The lights in the cathedral have gone back to flickering. We know our beloved leader is about to disappear before our eyes. Well, I do, and the others do if they have any sense.

Stepping back, the new Duke of Farlight joins me in a salute. We wait at attention until the wind drops and the lights come back up and we realize we’re saluting an emperor who is no longer there.