Rajnar Vajra - Doctor Alien’s Five Empty Boxes

Useful little buggers. “How fast can they work?”

“We should leave room first.”

“Yeah. Okay, you stay right here and give your little pals the go-ahead as soon as L gets back here and I’ve got the door closed again. L, you’re the speed-king here. I’ve got a hunch you’d better get the job done fast.”

“You wish me to place the explosive near the controller?”

“On it. That jar should balance on one of its shoulders. Can you do it?”

“Easily.”

“Good. Everyone ready?” I hated to count on Tad, but had no choice.

And she came through for me, pulling out her little toy again as L reconfigured himself into a low-slung torpedo with six legs and two long arms ending in enough spaghetti-like fingers for a gallon of carbonara sauce. He gently took the jar and bushed the opening-plate with a spaghetti strand.

“I am ready now,” he said, zipping into the room so quickly that for an instant, I could’ve sworn he remained in the hallway.

Then he was. As the door zipped closed, I heard the controller say, “The operation you are attempting is forbidden.”

“Now, Tad.”

An incredible crash came from behind us, from the reception room, not the place I wanted to hear a bang.

“NOW, Tad! NOW!”

Like a sped-up, stop-action demon, Thoth came charging at us just as some giant fist seemed to punch the world. The force knocked me off my feet, which probably saved my life as five empty but hard boxes flashed through the space that my head had occupied an instant earlier. L caught me in midair and set me on my feet. I think someone was talking, but at that moment my ears were on vacation.

I looked around. Both L and Tad appeared unhurt and even the walls seemed undamaged. I walked over to lift one of the boxes that had been part of Thoth a few moments before. I put it down and hoisted another, then a third. Damn. Color me stupid.

Deal bounded into the hall with Gara right behind in her spherical rolling form.

“Bradley?” I asked and only heard my own voice through a bit of bone conduction.

I could see Deal’s cilia snapping, but had to point at my ears while shaking my head. Then the obvious occurred to me and I switched on one of my DM’s “accessibility” functions.

“Say that again, please,” I asked.

This time when Deal spoke, the translated words scrolled across my field of vision: “Your neighbor is healthy save for whatever mental trauma remains. The robot released him and departed at a speed that makes me suspect it of possessing some form of interstellar propulsion. I perceive that you have succeeded in reverting Thoth to its original state.”

“Thanks to L and… the Vapabond here. Deal-of-ten-lifetimes, may I introduce you to my patient, Coratennulagond? She’s been pretending to be the security officer your people hired for me, Tadehtraulagong.”

Deal hopped nearer to the party in question and stared at her with scores of eye-cilia. “So! I’d been informed a female2 had been assigned to you, Doctor, bringing a troubled female1 along. When I saw that your patient was the wrong subgender, I assumed my information was faulty. Now the discrepancy is explained.”

Along with plenty of other things, such as “Cora” being so unresponsive for so long. While Tad and Cora had been on their way to Earth, something had gone very wrong and the psychotic Vapabond had gained the upper grasping member.

“How do you intend to rectify the situation?” Deal asked.

I studied the Vapabond. “We’ll get the real Tad off whatever meds this one’s been feeding her to keep her torpid. But as for you, Cora, I believe this crisis has done you some good. I’d even say you’ve just had a breakthrough. This is the first time since we met that you’ve acted in a completely responsible way. If we work together, I’ll bet we can get your mind clear and strong. Are you willing?”

“You are not angry with me?”

“A doctor doesn’t get mad at the patient.” I was lying, but admitting my real feelings would help no one.

“Then I am willing.”

“Great. But let’s not include bombs as part of your therapy. And speaking of bombs…”

I slapped the nearby wall-plate, exposing the room that had contained the recent blast. The floor was littered in machine parts, but none of them appeared broken or bent or even singed. Impressive metallurgy. The controller had fit together like a Chinese puzzle, so I’d guessed that a powerful explosion would break whatever electromagnetic or chemical bonds had come into play after the system was finally activated. Good thing it had worked because I didn’t have a backup plan.

“We will not,” Deal said, “be assembling this device again. Or piling boxes.” My ears were beginning to recover; I could hear her clicks, faintly.

“Probably not, but I think I know where we went wrong.”

“Tell me.”

“The empty boxes look identical, but they don’t weigh the same. I bet if we stacked them from heaviest to lightest, Thoth would come to life in a far more… amenable form. Remember the controller telling us that the servant has one hundred twenty possible configurations? That’s how many different ways there are to stack five boxes if you ignore the issue of which side goes where: five factorial. Simple statistics. A clever person would’ve examined the empty boxes and noticed the weight discrepancy, and a logical person would’ve first made a pile with the greatest stability. The Hoouk overestimated me.”

Deal remained silent for a moment. “As for me, I find you difficult to overestimate. We Traders owe you much for the trouble our incomprehension has caused. How may we best repay you?”

I turned toward Cora. “This whole structure is made of your tiny machines. Could they tear themselves down and rebuild the place somewhere else?”

“Yes.”

“Excellent.” I faced Deal again. “I’m about to get drowned in lawsuits, and the trouble is that Bradley and my other neighbors are right. This institution is dangerous. Got an idea that might save my gluteus maximus without the Feds stepping in again and getting me even more resented. I’d like to keep treating my human patients in the Cabin—that’s what we call the small building behind this one—but I want to relocate the main part of the clinic.”

“To somewhere distant?”

“Not so far away that it takes me hours to commute from home, but a place that’s isolated from people.”

“Your desires appear to conflict. Do you have a location in mind?”

I grinned. “No, but you don’t expect me to solve every problem, do you?”

Something about the way Deal tilted a few of her limbs gave me the impression she grinned back. “Then I may have a solution although it might mean that this structure could not simply perambulate to the new position.”

“Perambulate!” L crowed, no doubt eager to rush to the nearest dictionary.

“Tell me,” I asked Deal.

“We are presently not far from one of your large oceans. With Tsf environment control, I see no reason why your clinic shouldn’t be repositioned some distance out to sea.”

I just stood there for a moment, blinking. “You mean floating?”

“I mean deep underwater. Surely your neighbors would be satisfied, and we would supply you a submersible vehicle for the short commute. Or would you prefer a sky clinic?”

And that’s basically the story. Oh, I could blab about the subsequent meeting with Smith, Jones, and assorted tons of other officials, but even I’m getting sick of hearing my voice. Besides, you’ve got the answer you were looking for. So don’t let those wheels fool you, Pastor. Now you know exactly why I have to drive to work in a submarine.