Russell Moran - A Climate of Doubt

Ellen walked up to me as I was being unhooked from the sound system.

“I’m not the only TV star in the family,” she said. “You were perfect and hit just the right pitch. I think a lot of people are breathing easier after listening to you. My producer has a request. Could you make an appearance on my show this afternoon? I’ll go over the questions I’ll ask you beforehand. I think it’s important that our viewers hear some further words from my handsome hubby.”

“Of course, babe, I’d be happy to. But let me ask you a couple of questions about your other guests. Who are they and what will they be talking about?”

“You know Al Roker, the NBC meteorologist. Al, with his great sense of humor, helps to set the right tone for people to hear troublesome news. The next guy is a bit controversial. His name is Nigel Deming, an Englishman and meteorologist. The sum and substance of his appearance will be that he agrees with Professor Peterson, the climate maven. Deming thinks that we’re seeing a brand-new phenomenon that’s never happened before, but it’s still a matter of climate change.”

“In other words, bullshit.”

“Afraid so.”

“Welcome to The Ellen Bellamy Show . I’m your host, Ellen Bellamy, and I’m cautiously optimistic that we may be looking forward to some promising weather news for later tonight. As you’ve probably heard by now, the National Weather Service announced that the snow will begin to taper off, and the storm should move off the east coast around 11 tonight. This afternoon’s show will continue with our favorite topic—the weather. Here in Manhattan, the accumulation has hit 10 feet and is still mounting. The sanitation department is begging and pleading with everyone not to drive. The mayor has announced that it’s a felony to drive a non-emergency vehicle without permission of the Office of Emergency Management.

“Our special guest today is Nigel Deming, a meteorologist from England, who has an interesting view on these freezing temperatures and the snowfall. But first we’ll break for a couple of commercials that will advertise some ways to beat the heat. Hopefully, we’ll be able to use their advice soon.”

Many advertisers didn’t get a chance to change their ads, and half of the commercial spots did, as Ellen predicted, talk about ways to beat the heat, including commercials for air conditioners and deck awnings. As the break ended, Ellen introduced Deming.

“Hello everyone,” Deming said. “Yesterday, Ellen hosted a gentleman named Dwight Peterson, a professor and climate expert. He announced the controversial idea that this weather event may be caused by a sudden quickening of climate change. I’m a meteorologist, not a climate expert. I study matters that are close at hand, not long-range changes in climate. But I must say from my many years of experience, that climate change is accelerating at a blazingly fast pace. As President Blake said recently, this frightening weather will be something we’ll study for a long time before we come up with any definitive answers.”

“But Mr. Deming,” Ellen said, “even though you can’t come up with a definitive answer, do you have a theory as to what may be going on?” If not, what the hell are you doing on my show?

“Ellen, I’ve looked at the opinions of every climate expert and meteorologist, and I’m convinced that climate change is the culprit, but the world has never seen this phenomenon before. I believe, ruling out all other possible causes, that the origin of this event occurred in space, possibly outer space. I don’t know how, but I believe that something strange is happening to the rays of the sun itself. I don’t believe the problem originates here on earth, or even in our own atmosphere.”

July 18 – Peoria, Illinois

“What the hell do you mean we’ve lost all power, Carol? We have a goddam new generator that cost a fortune. Did you call the electricians?”

“Our phones are out, including cell phones. I’ve never seen anything like this, Janet. I just heard a report on the radio—a battery powered-radio—that half of Peoria is without electricity, including City Hall. Just look out the window. According to the guy on the radio, our infrastructure just isn’t designed for something like this. The heating system just crapped out, along with the electricity and the emergency generator.”

Janet Munson is the executive director of the Pleasant Fields Nursing Home in Peoria, Illinois. She retired from the Army three years before with the rank of colonel. She commanded a tank battalion in Iraq, and she has a reputation for her military can-do attitude.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what the guy on the radio says. We have 140 elderly people in this place, people who depend on us to take care of them. That’s why we’ve invested so much money in this building—to make sure it’s up and running no matter what the weather is. These people need us. We can’t just say, ‘Oh gee, the shitty weather means you’re going to freeze to death.’ The freezing temperatures, not to mention the blizzard, are screwing everything up, We’re out of communication and out of power.”

Carol Johnston, Janet Munson’s assistant, was used to dealing with her demanding boss. She admired Munson’s dedication to her work, but sometimes you come up against a brick wall, and that’s exactly what happened to them.

Twenty-five visiting relatives were in the building, people who wanted to know what management was doing for their loved ones.

“Carol, I’m sorry to be cracking your ass with a whip, but we can’t just sit here and do nothing. Did you send the aides around with extra blankets?”

“Yes, I also put all water taps on a trickle. If our pipes freeze we’re really in trouble. The temperature inside the building is 48 degrees and dropping steadily.”

“Grab a couple of aides and go room to room to ask the visitors to gather in the reception area. I want to shoot straight with these people. This isn’t just a customer service issue—it will soon be a fucking matter of life and death.”

Carol Johnston and her assistants rounded up all 25 of the visitors and asked them to report to the front reception hall. Janet Munson stood before the group.

“I’ve gotten to know many of you over the past few months, and I think you know me as a straight shooter. We have a problem, all of us. My job as the head of this place is to take care of your loved ones, and that’s exactly what I intend to do. But I can’t minimize the trouble we’re in. We’re out of communication and out of power. As you all know if you read our newsletter a couple of months ago, the board decided to invest a hell of a lot of money on a state of the art emergency generator, even though we already had a pretty good one. Well, the damn thing’s down along with everything else. As a lot of you know I once commanded a tank battalion in Iraq when I was in the Army. In a matter of minutes, I could round up a few dozen tanks and charge out to kick some jihadi ass. But now, for one of the few times in my life, I feel like I’ve run out of options. I like to think that I can handle anything, but I’ve never anticipated a freezing blizzard in July. The guy on the radio pointed out the obvious. Our infrastructure isn’t designed for this shit, pardon my language.”

“Janet,” a man named Kirk Burton said, “I think I speak for everybody here, that we appreciate the problem we’re all in. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better place for my mom to be cared for than this well-run home. Don’t blame yourself for the craziest weather any of us has ever seen. I have a Humvee which is great in bad weather. I’m going to venture out and see if I can contact your electricians. I know where their shop is located.”