Эндрю Маккей: Star Cat: War Mage

Jaycee lifted his gloved Baldron-hand and threatened to hit the activate button, “How do you want me to retrieve it?”

“How do you think?” Tor whined.

“Either way suits me. Your head attached or detached, your call.”

The rest of the crew giggled to themselves – all except Wool, who didn’t find the taunting especially funny, “Jaycee. Come on, leave him alone.”

“Attached, please ,” Tor made his way over to the free chair and reached for a piping hot tray of stew.

“Suit yourself,” Jaycee hit the second button. Tor’s Decapidisc beeped and unbuckled, folding out into a backwards “E” shape.

Tor caught it in his hands and slammed it to the table, “Thank God that’s off me. I never wanna wear that again.”

Jaycee shoveled a spoonful of food into his mouth, “Then don’t be a twit, and you won’t.”

Jelly’s ears flicked out. She looked at Jaycee, “Mommy says you shouldn’t speak with your mouth full.”

“Mmm,” he covered his mouth and spoke through his food, “She’s right. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

A moment of respite fell across the room as everyone ate their dinner. No one spoke for once. Dinah Washington’s dulcet tones soothed their ears as they continued to eat.

It was maybe the second time since Opera Beta left Cape Claudius nearly three years ago that they enjoyed each other’s company. They’d been through so much together, after all.

Tripp grabbed his cup of water and held it up, “I’d like to propose a toast.”

“Toast?” Jelly licked her lips, “Like hot bread? I wanna try toast.”

“No, it’s not that kind of toast, honey,” Wool lifted her cup with the others.

Jelly didn’t have a cup to lift – just a saucer of milk next to her plate of jellied chicken.

Tor felt like he couldn’t join in given his history.

“That’s right, Russian,” Jaycee said. “Keep your cup of water on the table.”

“I will,” Tor threw a clump of stew into his mouth and turned away.

“To Space Opera Beta,” Tripp said.

“To Space Opera Beta,” everyone chimed.

“And to Daryl Katz and Haloo Ess. Gone, but never, ever forgotten.”

“To Katz and Ess,” Bonnie, Jaycee, Wool, and Tripp said before taking a gulp of water.

They slammed their cups to the surface of the table and continued eating.

“So, Jelly,” Tripp chewed on his food, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you this whole time.”

“What?” She lowered her head and nibbled at her chicken.

“Now you can speak, and all. I think I ask for everyone here. Hell, everyone who ever owned a cat. When you were a regular cat, what, uh—”

“—What, uh, what?” Jelly lifted her head and mocked him.

Tripp couldn’t get the question out of his mouth. He’d always planned to ask the question of his own pets if the situation ever arose. Of course, it never did. He couldn’t formulate the question and quit talking.

Wool had a go in his place, “Honey, I think what Tripp wants to ask is… when you were a real cat, what was it… like ?”

“What kind of stupid-ass question is that ?” Jelly snapped.

“Well,” Tripp interjected with his second futile effort, “What is it like? Being a cat?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?” Jelly huffed and palmed her plate toward the edge of the table, “Billions of years of evolution in two days and you want to know what being a cat was like?”

The crew were stunned at her outburst.

“Idiots,” Jelly continued to lick her chicken.

“Well,” Tripp rolled his shoulders and tried to keep his dignity intact, “What do you think about when you’re a cat?”

“I dunno,” Jelly eyed the others, hoping they wouldn’t clock her secret attempt to push the plate over the edge of the table, “Killing smaller things than me. I like to play with them and watch them scream while they die. It makes me feel good.”

Jaycee wiped his mouth and took a sip of his water. The answer she’d given crept under his skin.

“Then I bring the bodies home to pay for my food.”

“Like a trophy?”

“ Atrophy ? No, my muscles are strong.”

“No, a trophy . Like a medal. For your owners? To show your appreciation?” Tripp asked.

“Umm, no. The trophy, as you call it, is more like a pat on the head that they’ve done well.”

“Hmm,” Tripp poked his food in deep thought, “Did you ever have a mommy and daddy? Siblings?”

“My brothers and sisters can look after themselves. My real dad tried to kill us. I hate him. I hope he’s dead.”

“Oh,” Bonnie said. “That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“Did your dad abandon you and your family in a cardboard box on the road hoping you’d get killed?” Jelly asked.

Bonnie looked at the others, “Um, no?”

“Hmm,” Jelly shrugged her shoulders, “My loyalty is to the people who feed me. And Jamie. I miss Jamie. Friend. ”

Jaycee wiped his mouth and swallowed the last of his food down, “Ah, yeah. The kid. Heard a lot about him.”

“He was your friend, huh?” Bonnie grinned with affection.

“Mommy,” Jelly pointed her infinity claw at Wool and then at Bonnie, “Friend.”

“Aww, honey. You’re my friend, too.”

Jelly moved her claw to Tripp, “Friend.”

“I’m honored, Jelly. Thank you.”

“Yes,” Jelly moved her claw Jaycee, “Friend.”

“Thanks, Jelly. You’re not so bad yourself.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jelly pointed her claw like a gun at Tor, “ Dickhead .”

“What?”

Everyone burst out laughing.

“ Dickhead ,” Jelly repeated and pretended to shoot him in the face, “ Pow .”

“Stop saying that,” Tor yelled. “I am not a dickhead.”

“She’s spot on, comrade,” Jaycee nearly choked with laughter.

Tor buried his head in his hands, lamenting the day he ever set foot on the damned spacecraft. Of all the ridiculous and nasty events that had happened to him, being called a dickhead by a half-cat was the most humiliating.

Jelly scraped her claws along the table as the howls of laughter died down.

“Jamie wasn’t friend , really. More like brother . Actually, he is my brother. I miss him.”

“I’m sure he misses you too, honey,” Wool threw her a smile of affection.

“Maybe,” she yawned as wide as possible. Her fleetingly scary appearance stunned everyone at the table, “I’m tired.”

Jaycee leaned over to Tripp and whispered, “I hate it when she does that. She looks so scary. Those teeth and eyes. Brrr.”

“I know.”

Bonnie set her spoon down on her plate, “What do you miss about being a regular cat, Jelly?”

“Why, am I an irregular cat?”

“You could say that,” Bonnie giggled. “You’re hardly an everyday pet, now, are you?”

Tripp and Jaycee washed down their food with a gulp of water.

“Hmm,” Jelly gave the question some thought, “Probably being able to lick my own butt hole—”

SPRAASSHH!

The two men spat out their water upon hearing the answer. Much of it hit the table and Wool’s face.

“Ugh, really ?” She wiped the water from her cheek and flung it to the ground, “That’s gross.”

“Sorry, Wool,” Jaycee cleared his throat, “Say that again, Jelly?”

Jelly ran the side of her arm along the edge of her plate, pushing it even further towards the edge of the table.

“Licking my butt hole. And other parts. I hate taking showers, but I can’t reach some areas of my body, anymore.”

“That sucks,” Jaycee said, “I know if I could do that, you’d be looking at an empty chair right now.”