Jasper Fforde - Early Riser

‘We didn’t.’

‘So you said nothing at all over a cosy coffee and sandwich in the Wincarnis?’

My heart sank. The denials meant nothing. She knew – through ShamBob, most likely, or anyone from the Scrabble club. I was a fool to think that there could be any secrets in Sector Twelve. Our meeting had probably already been around the Open Telephone Network. Twice.

‘Just… stuff,’ I stammered, ‘gossip, advice.’

‘Oh, wait,’ she said, ‘so you did speak to her. Just a second ago you said you didn’t. You’re a lying little bedshit, Worthing. Do you know the penalty for lying to a Sector Chief?’

I’d grown hot and sweaty by now. A prickly heat was dancing down my back and I could feel beads of sweat on my brow. I’d never had a grilling like this before. I could even see Jonesy beginning to look around, wishing herself out of the office.

‘Dismissal,’ I said.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.’

‘Dismissal.’

‘No, it’s a punch in the eye, then dismissal. Strictly speaking it’s dismissal only, the punch in the eye I added strictly for my own pleasure. Now, let’s start again. What did you talk about?’

I stared at Toccata, then at Jonesy.

‘You’re going to have to tell her,’ said Jonesy.

I sat there, feeling hot and wretched and with a pained expression on my face.

‘Frozen Gronk’s piss in a handbag,’ said Toccata, ‘did she oath you?’

‘No,’ I said, thinking quickly. During the sleepstate, loyalty was often all there was, and I certainly wasn’t going to break a pledge to someone who had saved my pulse twice. But then, I had a thought. If Toccata saw me as wonky on both sides, Aurora must see me as pleasingly physiotypical. Maybe that was why she kissed me at the Wincarnis. She’d found me attractive. I had an idea. Daring, true, but an idea.

‘I didn’t know she was you—’

Toccata thumped her fists on the desk, then rose to her feet.

‘ She’s not me. Never assume that she’s anything even like me!’

‘Sorry, I didn’t know you and she… didn’t get along. If I had, we wouldn’t have…’

‘Wouldn’t have what?’

‘Wouldn’t have… bundled .’

Jonesy coughed almost explosively into her coffee, spilling it all over the carpet, while Toccata merely laughed.

‘We both know that never happened,’ said Toccata. ‘Aurora’s never been fussy over the who and what, but she always goes for lookers. Believe me, you ain’t one of them. I want the truth, or you’ll be mopping toilets until Springrise. With no teeth and broken fingers,’ she added, in case the option sounded in any way attractive.

I stared at her for a moment, then at Jonesy. Oddly, taunts over my appearance always gave me clarity, and renewed confidence.

‘She likes the snow but not the Winter,’ I said, recalling Birgitta’s impassioned description of her husband, ‘values the climb greater than the view from the summit. She doesn’t smile much, but when she does the world smiles with her. She wears Ludlow scent,’ I added in a quiet voice, ‘and has a birthmark the shape of Guernsey right here.’

I touched my fingertip to my chest. There was silence in the room. Toccata glared at me dangerously.

‘I realise it was a huge mistake,’ I said, ‘but an opportunity like that had never come my way before. I was… flattered .’

Toccata stared at me, then at Jonesy, then back at me.

‘I had no idea it would anger you. It won’t happen again, I promise.’

‘It had better not or your tongue’s coming out – and not in the painless way.’

Toccata stared at me for a moment, trying to figure, I think, the best course of action. ‘Okay,’ she said, ‘couple of things: when you see Foulnap again you come and see me and me first and – are you listening to this bit?’

‘Yes.’

‘I want to know what Aurora’s up to. You’re not telling me the whole story – I’m not sure you even know the whole story – but I need to know more. Why she’s interested in you. And spoiler alert: it’s not your charm or your looks. She’s a user, and you’re either being used or are about to be.’

‘You want me to spy on her?’

‘Very astute of you. Oh, and double-cross me and you’ll be carrion for the hiburnals come the morning. Welcome to the Douzey. What’s our mission statement again?’

‘That we are to uphold the sanctity of the sleepstate, and ensure the most favourable outcome is enjoyed by the majority.’

‘Good. Might learn something over the Winter. Might have some fun; shit, you might even survive . But treat us like fools, follow a private agenda or undermine us in any way, and I’ll be down on you like a ton of grade “A” glyptodon shit. Do you think I’m speaking metaphorically?’

‘No, ma’am.’

‘Good. Now piss off.’

I stood up, saluted, and walked out of her office. I was sodden with nervous sweat. I found the changing rooms, took off my jacket and leaned against the cold lockers, heart thumping.

‘I should have told you they were the same person,’ said Jonesy when she found me sitting in the staff rec room, head in hands, ‘sorry about that.’

I looked up. She was trying to hide a smile and not doing it very well.

‘To be honest,’ she added, ‘your face was pretty funny when you saw her. Like that time we were at Glastonbury together and Piano Keyes fell off the stage. Remember?’

‘No.’

‘It wasn’t funny when he fell off the stage, or not funny your face, or no, you don’t remember the time we were at Glastonbury?’

‘Some, all, I don’t know. Well, okay, sort of funny,’ I added, giving her a half-smile to at least pretend I was being a good sport. But it wasn’t funny right now. Far from it. And we were never at Glastonbury together, with or without Piano Keyes. She was making up nostalgia, and wasn’t particularly good at it.

‘Can I ask a question?’ I said.

‘Shoot.’

‘How can Toccata be a Chief Consul with a split consciousness?’

‘One could ask just as easily how Aurora can be the Head of HiberTech Security with the same problem. It’s Winter Best Practice to deal with Aurora or Toccata, but not both. I guess you’ve figured the good eye switches depending on who’s at home. Right is Aurora, left is Toccata.’

‘I’ll remember that.’

‘It could save your life.’

I paused.

‘Why does Toccata want me to spy on Aurora and HiberTech?’

‘With those two, nothing is ever clear-cut. I heartily recommend you just say nothing and follow orders.’

‘Yes,’ I replied soberly, ‘it’s probably the most important thing I’ve learned from the Logan fiasco.’

‘Now you’re getting it. Oh, and some advice: if Aurora does want you to be her dumbundle, you should try to be more discreet.’

‘I was hoping the term “bundlechum” would be more appropriate.’

‘No,’ she said after a moment’s thought, I think “dumbundle” suits the circumstances better.’ She pointed behind me. ‘You’ve met Fodder?’

The colossus of Sector Twelve was standing behind us. He looked about the same as when I’d seen him last, just wearing warmer clothes and appearing even taller and more powerful.