Jasper Fforde - Early Riser

‘Right,’ said Toccata as she sat down behind her desk, ‘to work.’

She looked up and was about to say something, then stopped.

‘Where have you gone, Worthing?’

‘Here,’ I said, sitting precisely where I had been all along.

She turned her head to place me well to the left of her.

‘Of course you are. Jonesy? Explain.’

‘Best move to the other side of the room, Worthing; the Chief can only see the left side of anything.’

I got up and moved as requested, noting that the left side of her desk was clean and orderly while the right was a cluttered mass of old coffee cups, items of dirty washing and forgotten filing. The tower of dusty paperwork was also to her right, where she probably had no idea it existed – along with a stuffed ground sloth that had seen better days. I should have guessed about this, what with Aurora not seeing the left side of anything. I should have foreseen what happened next, too.

‘That’s better,’ said Toccata, studying me intently, ‘now, what’s the deal with your face?’

‘It’s a congenital bone deformity.’

‘On both sides? That’s a serious downer if ever I saw one.’

‘No, it’s just on the left.’

Her eyelid twitched for a moment. If she never saw the right of anything, her visual cortex would make up the shortfall by extrapolation. My left side became the yardstick of both sides. To her, I must have been an intriguing sight. Charlie double-wonky Worthing. But on the plus side, at least my eyes would be on the same level – just low on my face, about the same level as my nose. To her, I must have had a forehead the size of Vermont.

‘What are you sniggering about, Worthing?’

‘Nothing – I just had an amusing thought about Vermont.’

She glared at me with her single eye: powerful, unblinking, straight into my soul. It reminded of being given the eye by Mother Fallopia at the Pool. Even the most badly behaved kids would have their egos reduced to something resembling guacamole by its power.

‘On reflection,’ I added quickly, ‘you’re right – serious downer.’

Aurora Toccata, the Chief Consul of Sector Twelve and also the head of HiberTech Security, was a Halfer. It was less popular these days owing to better recruitment levels and decreased mortality, but some committed Winterers had trained themselves to sleep hemispherically – one side of the brain at a time. It enabled them to be more fully on top of problems, use less pantry and essentially offer the Consular Service two workers for the price of one. Most Halfers exhibited mildly separate personalities, but they at least shared a consciousness and a memory. Unusually, uniquely , even – it seemed that Toccata and Aurora had no idea what the other was up to at all.

‘So, Wonky Worthing,’ said Toccata, ‘you are henceforth inducted into the Consulate Service here in Sector Twelve. Pledge your allegiance and accept the deputisation.’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘None at all.’

‘Then I accept,’ I said.

‘Wise of you. Now we’ve established that I’m your Chief, fill me in on how you got to the Douzey.’

I repeated what I’d told Jonesy – that after Logan died I’d delivered Mrs Tiffen to The Notable Goodnight at HiberTech, and since Toccata wasn’t about I spoke to Fodder about viral dreams, then was stranded by a stationmaster. Aurora found me a room and suggested I get out on a Sno-Trac.

‘Next thing I know Jonesy is waking me up,’ I concluded.

I didn’t think I’d mention anything about the dreams, nor about talking to Aurora in the Wincarnis. It wasn’t a good start, lying to one’s boss. But I needed to be cautious.

‘Hugo Foulnap?’ she echoed. ‘Seen him since?’

‘No – but Aurora thinks he might not be a Footman at all, but somehow involved with the Campaign for Real Sleep.’

She gazed at me for a moment.

‘A wild accusation, if ever I heard one. She wouldn’t know a real fact if it jumped up and bit her on the arse. I have an idea why Logan brought you here, but what’s confusing me is that Aurora wants you here too.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Why do you think she marooned you here?’

‘She didn’t maroon me,’ I said, ‘the stationmaster did.’

‘The lines were down from Slumberdown minus two to plus eight,’ said Toccata. ‘The only way the stationmaster could know if you delayed the train in Cardiff was if Aurora told her. Turn up soon after you missed your train, did she? As if by magic?’

‘Well, yes,’ I said.

‘Did she suggest you shouldn’t tell us you were here?’

I nodded.

‘Exactly. So: why is she interested in you remaining in Sector Twelve?’

I didn’t know quite what to think. Aurora had told me Toccata would be difficult – and unlikely to tell the truth. But now it looked as though Aurora herself might have been manipulative.

‘I don’t know,’ I said again.

Toccata looked at me for almost a minute without saying anything.

‘Where did you meet Aurora today?’

‘The basement of the Siddons .’

‘Met her by accident there too, did you?’

‘Why, yes…’ I stopped. It might not have been an accident there, either. She’d have known I might go to get the Sno-Trac, and it would have been child’s play to empty the air reservoir so I couldn’t start the engine. ‘No, I was…’

I was about to say ‘trying to get a Sno-Trac out of here’ but thought perhaps not.

‘Yes or no? What were you doing?’

‘We were both in the basement of the Siddons . I was… on an errand for Porter Lloyd and Aurora was looking for Tricksy walkers to take to HiberTech.’

Toccata grunted and looked at Jonesy.

‘We missed some?’

‘Six,’ said Jonesy with a shrug, ‘Lloyd sent a memo but it was mislaid. Three survived, Wonky retired Baggy and the other two I dealt with.’

‘I don’t like what HiberTech do with them,’ said Toccata. ‘Pull them apart, stick them back together, hope for the best, use them as mindless drones. It’s not dignified, even for a deadhead. What else happened? Leave out nothing.’

I considered my oath carefully. Aurora had specifically told me not to tell anyone. I wasn’t sure, but was an oath made to one of them binding on both? Probably not. But since my oath to Aurora began the moment we tied our walkers to her truck outside the Siddons , anything before this was knowledge I could share.

‘She gave me some advice about early rising,’ I said, feeling uncomfortable under Toccata’s baleful monogaze, ‘eat lots, keep warm, watch out for walkers, avoid Jim Treacle and the drowsies, that kind of stuff – then we parted outside the Siddons .’

‘That’s it?’

‘That’s it.’

She stared at me in silence for a few moments.

‘I dislike many things, but do you know what I dislike most of all?’

‘No, ma’am.’

‘Gaps. I loathe gaps. Gaps in doors, gaps in windows, gaps in bathroom tiles, long gaps between sequels to books. But you know which gaps I hate the most?’

‘No, ma’am.’

‘Gaps in my knowledge. You left the Siddons at 10.30 in Aurora’s command car and met up with Jonesy at midday.’

She tapped her head.

‘I don’t like secrets and I don’t like Aurora. I was going to get married, start a family. Aurora stuck her oar in and Logan hightailed it out of the Sector. That wasn’t enough for her and next thing I know she’s killed him – protecting your useless bony arse. So when a Deputy who has newly arrived in more-than-fishy circumstances has a time gap of ninety minutes, I get seriously pissed off. So let’s start again: what did you two talk about?’