David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

“Then how do you explain all of the major advancement we’ve made? All the things we’ve done to make our life better?”

“The majority of those things are technology we gave you because we felt sorry for you. For Christ’s sake, it took you guys forever to learn to stop pissing upstream from the village you lived in. And ‘life better,’ are you kidding? We give you the formula for gun powder so site clearing for construction could be easier, and what did you do with it? We explain aerodynamics to the Wright brothers, and within 10 years of leaving the ground for the very first time, you strap guns onto the wings of one of the greatest things to come along in hundreds, if not thousands of years and try to find ways to shoot each other down. And you don’t even want me to get started on the whole nuclear energy thing.

“Anyway, we came back after a few hundred years…”

“What took so long?”

“Frankly, we were embarrassed. As I was saying, we came back and it was amazing. There were all of these separate groups living isolated from each other. They had lost the ability to communicate with each other, mostly because each group was afraid the other one was going to try and take their stuff.

“They had given up any kind of historical record-keeping long ago. Science, math, philosophy, any kind of social order or learning was gone. All they were worried about was either taking what the other tribe had or keeping the other tribe from taking what they had.

“They had no idea who we were and we scared the shit out of them. The first guy to teleport down landed in a pile of bear poop by accident. One of the tribal leaders saw this and the next thing you know this entire tribe of people were worshiping bear shit, the ‘bringer of the Sky God.’ You have no idea how many of those poor dumb bastards were mauled to death hanging around a bear’s ass.

“Things had clearly gotten out of hand. But what really blew us away was when this bunch started trying to kill all of the other, non-bear crap worshiping tribes because, get this, they were ignorant and unclean.”

“So what did you do?”

“We did the only thing we could do. We left, deciding that whenever we came back, we would try to be as stealthy as possible and do what we could to help. Unfortunately, the more we did to help the worse things got.”

“For example,” Mike said.

“Well, we pretty much let things run their course for several thousand years. We suggested some minor things every now and then, like stone tools, and then the bronze thing. But as far as social life, we just let them run around making each others life miserable.

“Then Barbara came along. I know she had the best of intensions and all, but wow, what a hornet’s nest she kicked up. She was the captain of one of our deep space research ships that was suppose to ‘observe’ this place for a while. When she gets here she sees that this one tribe, the Jews, are really getting the royal wiener stuck to them by the Pharaoh. So, she sends her science officer down to make a few suggestions to their leader.”

“Our transporters have always been real accurate, but way back then they had, well, heat issues. So, they locate this guy Moses and shoot the Science guy, Steve, down to have a little chat with him. Steve beams down right in the middle of this giant bush in front of Moses and the whole thing bursts into flames. Steve rolls out of the fire and yells, ‘holy shit, that was close.’ Apparently, all Moses heard was the ‘holy’ part.”

“Steve starts to tell Moses that he should think about talking to the Pharaoh and tell him that the slavery thing wasn’t working for him, and that he was going to gather up his people and seek better climes. But the whole time Steve is talking Moses keeps talking back to this burning shrub. Steve keeps saying ‘Hey Moses I’m over here,’ and Moses keeps saying ‘I know Lord I see you’ and Steve keeps telling him to stop talking to the flora then.

“Anyhow, the rest is twisted history as they say. Moses hits the road and walks into the desert. From what I understand there was a great amount of forehead slapping on the flight deck of the ‘Mary Maru’ when that happened. So, oddly enough, things go to hell in a hand basket out in the desert.

“First of all, these people have no idea how to survive in an environment like that. Steve beams back down to Moses and tells him that they are going to have to change the way they eat. Stop leavening the bread, stop boiling meat in milk, stop eating pork, that kind of thing. All of this stuff goes bad when you’re in the wilderness. Next thing you know… Kosher. Who’d a thunk it?

“Then these people revolt. They start wasting valuable resources and time by building religious shrines, they start screwing each other’s wives, daughters, and livestock, and stealing everything that’s not nailed down. Murder has become a national pastime and, no matter how hard he tries, Moses can’t do a thing to stop it. So he gets to the point where he’s had enough and goes off into the mountains to sulk.”

“Don’t tell me,” Mike said. “The Ten Commandments.”

“Well that’s what you call them. It was actually much simpler than that. Steve goes back down and tells Moses that he should really think about laying some rules down to these people and Moses says he’s tried that already. So, Steve says ‘Look, write this down. 1. You guys can’t kill each other… yadda, yadda, yadda.”

“Did you just ‘yadda, yadda’ the Ten Commandments?”

“Trust me, they weren’t as big a deal as they have turned out to be. So, Moses looks these rules over and tells Steve that these clowns are never going to listen to him. Steve tells him to say that this all comes directly from a source in the sky that is unquestionable.”

“What about the parting of the seas?”

“Yeah, well, about that. Barbara sees that the Pharaoh is closing in fast, so they come up with this bright idea to get the ship in low to the water and direct the Hyper Magnetic Drive into the Sea. That drive has a tendency to suck anything that’s not a solid toward it. That created a very shallow area right in front of the Jews, and they were able to cross to the other side.”

“That’s all great,” Mike said, “but why did you have to kill all the Pharaoh’s men?”

“Complete accident.” Bob said “In the middle of the operation one of the Pharaoh’s guys sees us out on the horizon and yells ‘Hey, what’s that over there?’ Barbara dumps the drive to move out of sight, and voila, a bunch of dead solders.”

“So, are you going to tell me that all the bible stories come from you guys?”

“No, not all of them. A lot of that stuff was just things that happened, and we got blamed for it. Like the whole Job thing. There was no conversation between God and Satan about this guy being holy or anything. Job just had a string of really, really shitty luck.”

“Look,” Bob said, “haven’t you ever wondered why all of these stories about people having direct conversations with God, and all of these miracles, and what ever, happened so long ago? Right up until that unfortunate incident with Jesus, and then nothing.”

“Are you saying that Jesus was one of you guys?”

“Hell no brother! That mess was all you people. That guy was just trying to make life better for all of you and look what he got for it. For three hundred years he was appreciated as a great man, not unlike Gandhi.

“Then this nut Constantine, who was a sun worshiper and pagan by the way, thinks Jesus comes to him in a vision and tells him how to kill hundreds of his enemies on the field of battle. Sounds like something Jesus would do doesn’t it. Then, when he’s victorious, he goes back to Rome and declares ‘Hey guys, Jesus is cool’. Unfortunately, the majority of Rome is Pagan at the time so he has a tough time selling that idea. So being the bright boy he was, he throws together a blue-ribbon committee called the council of Nicaea and they decide how to make Jesus more palatable to the masses.