David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

“That being said, we decided that the best thing to do was sterilize the worst types, let them live out the rest of their lives, and step quietly out of the picture.”

“Sterilize how,” Mike asked?

“The normal way of course. Wait until they are sleeping, then sneak up on them, cut their nuts off, and run like hell.”

“Really?”

“Of course not numb-nuts. We used localized medical radiation from a very long distance.”

“Oh.”

“Eventually the problem took care of itself, with help from us, and we made ready with our first colonization trip to earth.”

“Hey, hey, hold on!” Mike jumped out of his chair.

“Yes.” Bob said smiling.

“Are you trying to tell me…”

“Yes?”

“Oh man, that’s bullshit! You… we… us… and you guys. Creation? Early man? Ah, horseshit! This is a joke, right? Where’s the camera?”

“And while we’re at it,” Mike asked incredulously “How is it that you conveniently speak English?”

“I don’t,” Bob answered. “We inserted a small chip into your temple. That’s the thing you keep scratching.”

Mike absently reached up and ran his index finger along a space on the side of his head that felt like a small ant bite.

“Non menici den atlla poncharni!” Bob said insistently, “ Konanrno exponcharni.”

It sounded like Bob was speaking a language that floated someplace two-thirds between Italian and Hawaiian.

“What?” Mike asked.

Bob reached over and ran his index finger up on the same area on mike’s temple.

“I said,” Bob repeated, this time in English, “stop dicking around with it. That’s how you shut it off. It’s a translator just under your skin. I speak and you hear in a way that you can understand.”

“Notice,” Bob went on “I said understand… not comprehend.”

“Is that why when you speak it’s like watching a foreign movie with bad dubbing?”

“Interesting correlation,” Bob said “but… yeah. You’ll get used to it eventually.”

“Come with me brother. I want to show you something,” Bob said, putting his hand on Mike’s shoulder.

Bob walked up to the wall and a door silently slid open. Bob turned to Mike and motioned with his index finger. They walked out into a long curving corridor, that was the same bright, antiseptic white as the room they had just left. A few men and women passed by and smiled warmly at Mike. As they reached the end of the hallway, a door slid open revealing what was unmistakably the flight deck of some type of space ship, complete with a giant front window that clearly showed they were someplace in outer space.

A man, sitting in what appeared to be a commander’s chair in the middle of the flight deck, swiveled around to face Mike and Bob. He was in his mid thirties, very fit, with short black hair and reading glasses. He was wearing a three-piece suit. Mike stood there with his mouth hanging open, then raised his right hand, palm out and spread his middle and ring fingers apart in a Vulcan salute. Bob reached up and jerked Mike’s hand back down.

“How’s it hanging there, Gary?” Bob said.

“Wonderfully, thank you,” Gary replied. “How is our new friend getting along?”

“Great,” Bob said quickly, “just great. He thought this might be a practical joke.”

“Funny how you have that effect on people isn’t it?”

“Yeah, funny,” Bob smiled nervously.

“Is there anything we can do to make your stay here more comfortable sir?” Gary said to Mike.

Mike just stood there with his mouth hanging open. Bob nudged him with his elbow.

“Uh no,” Mike finally said. “No, I’m fine thanks.”

“Well, we’ll just be shuffling along then,” Bob said as he grabbed Mikes arm and started to move to the back of the flight deck. Gary smiled thinly and turned around.

“Just one thing” Mike said to Gary’s’ back. Bob squeezed Mike’s arm ‘til it hurt, and Mike jerked free of his grasp.

“Yes?” Gary said.

“Shouldn’t Bob here know where we’re going?”

Bob suddenly found his feet very interesting.

“Of course,” Gary said. “I can’t think of anyone on this ship that would have missed our pre-underway brief for any reason. Can you Bob?”

“Ah, who me? No, of course not. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

“Thanks,” said Mike. “Just checking.”

Once out in the hallway, Bob stopped and turned to face Mike. “I bet you thought that was some real funny shit back there didn’t you?”

“No, I wanted to see if this was real or not.”

“And you thought getting my ass in a crack was a good way to do that?”

“Something like that,” Mike said. “Shall we return to the class room?”

“Yes, let’s.”

Once back in his chair, Mike said, “Look, I’m trying to swallow all of this, but even you have to admit it’s a lot to absorb. I have about eight million questions but I have this feeling you’re going to answer the majority of them for me eventually, so I’ll just wait till you’re finished.”

“Good,” Bob said. “As I said, we were ready to send our first colonization crew to Earth. We load up the ship and off we go. Unfortunately, someplace enroute, the crew developed a virus that we had never seen before, and the majority of them died just as they got to the destination. They had all of this equipment and supplies to drop off but there were only two colonists still living. They were adolescent twins, a brother and sister.”

The captain knew he needed the entire crew to take the ship back home, but he also knew that the trip would have been a waste if they didn’t drop off the stores and the two colonists that remained.”

“So, he set up shop, so to speak, and he told these kids that under no circumstances was there to be any hanky panky, because, as we all know, kids that come from blood relatives are never quite right.

“Off the mother ship goes with every intention of making a quick turn around and getting back in 30 or 40 years with more people. Fast forward 32 years and the next supply ship shows up and what do you suppose we find?”

Mike shrugged.

“These two had been banging each other like bunnies. There were little special people running around everyplace. I don’t mean big heads and drooling on yourself or anything. They were just slow. They were very aggressive and would fight with each other over everything. If one of them had something the other one wanted they would try to take it away, or try to find someway to beat the shit out of the owner and steal it.

“They were worshipping unseen beings, hoping that this entity would fix all their problems for them. And geez-o-petes, were these guys paranoid. They all thought all of the other ones were out to get them. In fact, they were so bad that they were screwing each other over in amazing ways and justifying it by saying they had to do these things in order to insure their own security.”

“So what did you do?” Mike asked.

“What could we do? We couldn’t kill them all. And we sure as hell couldn’t leave the colonists that we brought with us. They would never have survived with all those savage little turds running amok. So, we dropped off the supplies we brought and left vowing to return at regular intervals and check on how things were going.”

“Wait a minute,” Mike said. “Are you saying that Adam and Eve were actually you guys, and they were related, and now we’re all retarded?”

“Actually, their names were Mike and Gloria. I have no idea were the Adam and Eve thing got started, and if you think about the retarded thing, it all kind of makes sense.”

“Sense how?”

“Look, if you buy the ‘creation/Garden of Eden’ thing, then you most certainly buy the first man and woman being related thing, and consequently you know that all of their offspring had to be… well… special.”