David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

He pulled the glasses from his face and felt actual physical pain. Just like the pain a junkie would feel as they pulled the spike out of their arm, knowing that it was the last time they would roll out on the velvet blanket of a skag high.

And knowing they had been lying to themselves all along.

Mike felt like he had as a kid, when his parents had taken him to the Cedar Point amusement park. At the time, the largest roller coaster in the country was there, the Blue Streak. That thing was absolutely huge, and the all wood frame made it look like a giant sleeping dragon that had curled up for a nap between the lesser rides. Mike had tried to take his mind off the fact that his parents had, for some mystifying reason, entered into a mutually-assured destructive death pact that apparently included him. Waiting in line under the hot Northwestern Ohio sun was terrible and excruciating. It was what he imagined it would be like to be standing in front of a firing squad, blind-folded, and every few minutes the commander would say, “READY… AIM… hold on, we need to sort this out some more.”

Eventually they were under the roof of the queue that snaked back and forth, constantly moving unconscious people up a ramp, and ever closer to their immanent demise. Mike was so keyed up that he was positively vibrating. His mind was about to explode when a gate in front of his father opened and both he and his mother hustled him up to the very first car in a line of sky blue death boxes.

That feeling he had as the blue python of his darkest nightmares slowly slid out of the staging area and started to click its way ever up ward was exactly what he was feeling now. Bob had asked him if he wanted to have some fun. ‘Fun’ to Bob could have included anything under the sun, and probably did. Sky diving, base jumping, being on the receiving end of a knife and hatchet throwing competition… pretty much any or all of those could have been included in the list.

But the thing that really had unnerved Mike was the wicked smile that had been plastered on Bob’s face. More of a shit-eating grin, whatever that was, than anything else. A grin that said, “Hey, what I’m asking you to do is completely safe and sane… har har har har… not really. We’re all going to die. But it’s going to be great fun!”

Bob and Mike were walking down a beautiful garden path, and the beauty was becoming an everyday event. That Mike had already started to become jaded to the beauty that surrounded them was lost to him. Had he realized it he might have slipped into an irreversible melancholy.

The pair were met at the tram stop by another man and three other women that Mike had never met before. Introductions were made all the way around. The man was Jamie, and the women were Kate, Kyra, and Mia. As was the usually the case, jobs, positions or status weren’t part of the introductions. On Earth, these types of social engagements would have been more like, “This is Jamie he’s an investment broker for one of the biggies. Kate is a doctor at Westside General, Kyra here is an architect, and Mia runs a tech company in the valley.”

Of course, everyone knew exactly who Mike was, and as was always the case no one gushed over him, or asked for an autograph, or wanted to take a selfie. No one threatened to kill him because his views didn’t fit into theirs, and no one berated him because of what he stood for. Everyone just smiled with those perfectly white Hale teeth that were constant fixtures on the perfectly beautiful and tanned faces of every resident of Hale that Mike had met so far.

“So where are we off to?” Mike asked.

“Infinity,” Bob said as he pointed down the pathway “and beyond.”

“Great,” Mike said, “lead the way kemosahbee.”

They walked down the pathway in silence. He got the impression that everyone there was waiting to see what Mike thought of what they were about to be a part of. As they got closer to their point of “fun,” Mike could hear groups of people talking and laughing. Then he heard the distinct sound of water running. And it seemed as thought it was a fast-moving stream of a rapids.

As they broke out into a clearing Mike was met by a vison of a fairly large pond. The water, of course was a deep sapphire blue, the deep, lush grass went all the way down to the water’s edge, and same plant and insect life from the memorial gardens flitted everywhere. Mike’s mind unconsciously did a yadda, yadda, yadda, to his surroundings, as he focused on the pond. It all seemed so… normal and unthreatening. At the far end of the pond a shallow rushing stream emptied its rolling contents into the apparent swimming hole, and a smaller stream wondered of into the woods at the other end.

Bob swung a pointed index finger around in a circle over his head.

“Last one in is a dammed-if-I-know to a diddle eyed Joe!” He yelled excitedly to all the others.

“Wait,” Mike said as his face flushed red. “I didn’t bring anything to…”

Instantly everyone started to strip. Groups of naked people were laughing and running towards that water. Mike was instantly thrilled that Tawny couldn’t make the trip. Bob was already down to what served for underwear here.

“When in Rome, brother,” Bob said as he winked at Mike. And with that the remainder of Bob’s cloths were flung into the pile, joining that of the rest of the group that was already in the water.

For a split second, before Bob turned to run for the pond, Mike did a quick “physical assessment” of Bob’s attributes compared to his. Satisfied that Tawny would not be disappointed, Mike shelved the mental dick-measuring contest, disrobed, and ran for the water.

Naturally the water was a perfect temperature, and tasted just like the sweet, refreshing water he drank back in the village. Bob and the others were swimming around in a group, some laughing and splashing and other treading water as they talked, and other just floated n their backs taking in the warm sunlight.

“What do you think, buddy?” Bob asked as he swam over to Mike.

“Just like everything else here,” Mike said, “beautiful and perfect.”

They swam for the rest of the day and Mike was completely absorbed in the act of simply being. He didn’t have unending questions that nagged him constantly and crept into his mind, like flood waters seeping into every crevasse of his home as a river rises to destroy everything he’d worked a lifetime to compile. He wasn’t worried about getting that promotion or raise at work. He wasn’t worried about meeting some moronic irrelevant deadline that his boss had dropped on him at the last minute. He wasn’t worried about paying his taxes, or making a house payment, or what happened if he got sick, or making sure he was home in time to let the dogs out. He was simply happy and living in the luscious, mind expanding freedom of life on Hale.

Later, some of the people that had been swimming had left the pound and either had gone back home, or were out walking in the woods. All of Mikes group had left except Mia and Bob. Now the trio was laying in the deep green carpet of grass, sunning their naked bodies, free of the yoke of responsibility. Mike was amazed at how quickly he had become at ease with his own nudity in a mixed group. On Earth, he had eventually quit going to the gym. The obligatory old men that loved to parade around naked, or flop one nasty old foot up on the bench next to him, as the freely dried their crotches within feet of his face, had eventually been too much for him. They creeped him out, and he felt ogled when he went to use the showers.

“I don’t get the weather here,” he said to Bob.

“You seem to be getting it just fine at this point,” Bob said, smiling up toward the sun.