David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

Mike walked over to one of the posts and examined it.

“I don’t see a name or date or anything here,” He said. “Is this one that hasn’t been engraved yet?”

“Pass your hand over the top of it,” Tawny said.

Mike passed his hand over the flat top on the pedestal he was standing next to. Instantly a man about six inches tall was standing on the surface. The person looked whole. He appeared to have actual substance; not like a hologram on Earth that was translucent, but totally opaque instead.

“Hey there friend,” the tiny man said. “How are you this fine day?”

“Is he real?” Mike said. Tawny could have told him anything at this point and he would have gone along with it.

“Not the way you’re asking,” Tawny said. “From the time that people on this planet are born they start making a celebration log. When they pass into the vastness of what you see around you, their log is placed in one of these markers. You can visit anyone you like at any of these markers.”

“How do you keep track of who’s at what marker?” He asked her.

“There’s a computer record of everyone here, and that can be accessed through your chip. But if you already know where the marker is, and you want to remember its position, just tap your temple.”

Mike was just staring at her.

“Give it a try,” Tawny said. “Just look at the marker and tap your chip.”

Mike looked at the small man that was now sitting on a chair on top of the marker. He reached up and tapped his temple. Instantly a red beam of light shot up out of the ground around the base of the marker and rose into the sky until it was out of sight.

Mike looked back at Tawny.

“Is this always here then?” He asked.

“Until you remove it,”

“How do I do that?” he asked.

“Just slide your finger backward across the chip.”

He did, and the beam of red light sunk back down into the ground and out of sight.

“Can I see the beam without the glasses?” He asked.

“No,” she said, “but the only thing you would mark is here. And who would want to be here without the glasses on?”

“Why isn’t he saying anything?” Mike asked indicating the small man sitting in the pedestal. “Is it broken, or do I have to put a coin in it?”

Tawny laughed.

“It’s designed to respond to you,” She said. “There are a series of questions and comments you can make that the program will respond to. Try talking to him and see where it goes.”

Mike turned and looked at the man on the pedestal. He knew he was going to feel silly talking to a projection. But then he thought about how much time he had spent on Earth yelling at the news on television.

“Good morning,” Mike said. “How are you?”

“Hey there,” the man said smiling. “I’m just peachy. How’s by you?”

“Uh,” Mike said just a little taken aback “I’m actually pretty great right now. Thanks for asking.”

The man simply smiled back at him. Mike cast a sidelong glance at Tawny. She motioned forward with her chin.

“What’s your name?” Mike asked.

“I’m Linus,” The man said “what’s your name?”

Mike smiled at the man. The man smiled back.

“Uh,” Mike said as he searched for words that might move the conversation forward. “My name is Mike. What was your specialty here on Hale?”

“I was a farmer,” the man said as he got up from the chair and took a step toward Mike. “I loved that work. Every single day I was in the fields working the soil and producing food for my community. I can’t even begin to tell you how energizing it was to plant a seed and stand back to watch it grow into a full size plant that was going to produce the sustenance we need to exist.”

“Did you have any other jobs?”

“Sure, I was also a mechanic. But that’s kind of natural. If you have equipment that you’re going to use to produce food, then you really need to be pretty good at fixing it. You could wait around for someone else that could fix things, but that wastes quite a lot of time. And time, brother, is something that should absolutely never be frittered away. Eventually, we all end up sitting on a pedestal in the middle of paradise having conversations with tourists.”

Mike was a little embarrassed. He felt as though he had offended Linus. Perhaps he had bothered him when he was in the middle of something important. Wait, how could that be? Linus was dead. Mike was swinging wildly at a life preserver to stay afloat in reality.

“Ah,” Mike said to the man.

“How do I turn it off?” He said in a side whisper to Tawny.

“I don’t know,” she said. “How do you normally end a conversation? By the way, he’s not an it . This is Linus. He just told you that.”

“Ah,” Mike said to Linus. “Thank you? And, ah, have a pleasant day.”

“See ya brother,” Linus said. “And don’t forget, life is short, so don’t count your monkeys until they weave a basket.”

Linus stepped back to the chair and sat down. Then he snapped out of existence.

“What the hell was that?” Mike said to Tawny.

“What?” Tawny asked.

“That last part about a monkey and a basket.” He said.

“I’m pretty sure that’s what we call humor,” She said. “Get it?”

“So my first personal link to the dead was a smart ass?” Mike said.

“Seems like it,” she said. “But honestly, isn’t this the same thing as when you meet people on the street, or at work, or whatever? You get what you get.”

“Yeah,” Mike said. “I guess it is.”

“Are you ready to leave?” Tawny asked. “We could go back and get something to eat.”

Mike didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay in that field, wearing those glasses, with this amazing woman for the rest of his life. In fact, he could die right here and be happy. He started to think about getting his celebration log started. I mean how bad would that be if he joined this collective and didn’t have a log to be included in this magical place. Where would Twany go when she wanted to talk to him? He had to get on that right away. Just like writing a will back on Earth.

Mike and Tawny walked back on the path that had taken them to this place. As they walked Tawny reached over slipped her hand gently into Mikes. The gesture nearly struck Mike down, right then and there. He was walking along a path serenaded by musical insects, swishing through an ethereal pastel fog that was in fact the essence of life, fireflies still putting on a tiny firework display just for them, and the most amazing woman in the world… no… in the universe, was holding his hand.

The idea that Tawny felt the same way he did was intoxicating to him. The fact that he had been dancing, up close and personal with Bob a few days before was lost on him. The fact that Brizio had actually reached over and held his hand once while they were walking to dinner was lost on him. That incident was extremely off-putting for Mike. His first feeling was to tell Briz that he wasn’t gay. He was going to say he was flattered, but no thanks. Then he felt that he was being too socially constipated for this new society of his. Maybe that’s just what they did here, and he flowed with it.

But now, as he floated down the along the path with the love of his life, all of those life lesson and all of the personal advancements he had made, were balled up and sky-hooked into the waste basket. Clearly Tawny felt the same way for him that he felt for her, and they were going to spend the rest of their lives to together on Hale raising their children.

After they passed through the trellis and left the field of life, Tawny took her glasses off and replaced them in the case near the path. Mike reached up to remove his and hesitated. He looked back at Tawny one more time. Her exquisite beauty accentuated by the magical mist swirling around her. Her smile radiated like a soft beacon of hope for a fulfilled life.