J Weichsel - Ebu Gogo

“As a side note, and keep in mind that this is not in the song, this means that a part of the Homo erectus might also survive in the modern human, because when modern humans left Africa and encountered the Neanderthals, we did to the Homo neanderthalensis the same thing that they had done to the Homo erectus.

“And just another quick side note, the song referring to sex as a weapon is an observation that has been made throughout human history by people much smarter than I am. It has often been said that wars are won in the bedroom, not the battlefield. This is why throughout history opposing parties at war have encouraged their own side to breed, while doing things to discourage the other side from breeding.

“At any rate, the discovery by Asha of the clever weapon led to a split within Homo erectus culture. One group of Homo erectus, which was mostly women, wanted all the Homo erectus to be completely absorbed into the Homo neanderthalensis through interbreeding, thus eliminating Homo erectus as a separate, independent species. The other group, which was mostly men, was completely opposed to interbreeding, and wanted to maintain the Homo erectus as a separate, independent species.

“Of course, the big winner in all of this was the Homo neanderthalensis. With multiple sexual partners, both their Neanderthal mates and their Homo erectus mistresses, the Neanderthal men were able to spread their seed quicker and further than the Homo erectus men, who had a shortage of potential mates because so many of the Homo erectus women went over to mate with the Neanderthals each generation.

“Many generations of this go by and then comes the second named character in The Song of the Ebu Gogo, Seeter. Seeter was a man who was a part of the group of Homo erectus who were opposed to Homo erectus women mating with Neanderthals. But, he could also see that Homo erectus was losing the battle. The Neanderthals were killing the Homo erectus men in greater numbers, and each generation more and more women went over to the other side to mate with Neanderthals. So, Seeter proposed leaving Southwestern Asia to find a new home. This created another split within Homo erectus culture, between those who wanted to remain in Southwestern Asia, and those who wanted to go with Seeter.

Seeter led his followers across the land, and all the way they were hunted by Neanderthals, which had by this point spread very wide, until after forty years of walking, they had completely crossed Asia and reached its Pacific coast. There they were still being hunted, the song says by Neanderthals but it was probably another species, the Denisovan man, because it was they, not the Neanderthals, that lived in that part of Asia, so Seeter, who was a very old man by that point, commanded the Homo erectus to cross the sea.

“They built simple boats and crossed the Pacific until they reached the islands that make up modern day Indonesia. There, the limited resources afforded by the islands caused the Homo erectus to go through a very well documented evolutionary phenomenon called island dwarfism. Island dwarfism is when a species arrives on an island and, due to environmental factors such as a limited food supply, evolves to become very small.

“As the generations passed and the Homo erectus gradually grew shorter and shorter, Homo erectus culture once again split into two groups. Up until this point the Homo erectus had been completely vegetarian, but now, one group of them finally began to fashion weapons in order to hunt with them, and to eat meat. This group evolved into the ebu gogo. The other group of Homo erectus did not want to learn how to make weapons and remained vegetarian. This group devolved into orangutans.

“The ebu gogo lived in Indonesia in peace for thousands and thousands of years, until eventually their lives were upended by the arrival to Indonesia of modern man roughly 50,000 years ago. You stupid humans don’t even realize it, but humanity and the ebu gogo are locked in fierce competition with one another to be the dominant species on earth.

“The ebu gogo has ambition, just like humanity once had before you reached the top and became complacent. That is why the ebu gogo have such a sexual interest in me. It is because they recognize my superiority. They want my superior genes for their own species, so that they can weaponize humanity’s superiority, your height, and your greater intelligence, against you. I know you all see my actions as perverted, but looking at it in this light, can’t you see? For the first time in the thousands upon thousands of years that have gone by since modern humans raped and killed the last of your close relatives other than the ebu gogo, which you didn’t know about, the clever weapon is being deployed by one species against another! So don’t you see, Stephanie? Don’t you see? A woman’s womb is the most potent weapon ever made or discovered, and now your womb will be deployed by the ebu gogo in an assault against humanity! And if you resist, I will have an ebu gogo kill you with her shak. Excuse me, I mean her ‘spear.’”

The male ebu gogo had been hopping and skipping on the ground next to Martin as he told his story, laughing and chattering as male ebu gogo always do. Martin said something to the female ebu gogo in the ebu gogo language, and many of them forced Stephanie onto her back at the points of their spears. Stephanie lay there crying and trembling with fear.

Because it was only three feet tall, Martin had to kneel down in order to give the male ebu gogo a tap on its butt with his open palm and then said, “Come on boy. Go get her.” Martin tapped the male on the butt again, urging it forward.

Stephanie screamed and cried as the male ebu gogo stood just inches away from her vagina and danced in a kind of shimmy while completely ignoring her. Linda said, “Don’t worry Stephanie. The males are, err, they can’t or won’t perform.”

Martin said, “Oh I think I can get this little guy here to perform. I think the female ebu gogo just aren’t patient enough with the men. I love all of my little darlings, but they can be aggressive. You can see how a woman who needs to be pleased to the degree the ebu gogo do could be threatening to a man with a wa-wa as small as this guy’s, can’t you?”

Martin then knelt to the ground behind the male ebu gogo, reached his hand around the happy chattering creature, and with his thumb and forefinger, began to stroke the male ebu gogo’s tiny penis. The ebu gogo continued to laugh and chatter, but then all of a sudden he stopped, and his eyes grew wide as if he were discovering an entirely new sensation.

When he thought that the ebu gogo’s penis had grown sufficiently erect, Martin stopped stroking it, tapped it on its butt again, pointed at Stephanie’s vagina, and said, “Coo-coo.”

Stephanie was still lying on her back with spread legs, and her vagina was facing the male ebu gogo, who being only three feet tall, could look straight at it. The ebu gogo stared at her vagina for a few moments, smiled, and said, “Coo-coo!” Then he looked down at his own erect penis and said, “Wa-wa.” He looked at Stephanie’s vagina again and said, “Coo-coo.” He looked at his own penis again and said, “Wa-wa.” Then, he looked back and forth between Stephanie’s vagina and his own penis and said, “Coo-coo, wa-wa, coo-coo, wa-wa!”

The cryptozoologists all stared at the ebu gogo’s tiny erect penis in horror, wondering if the ebu gogo would actually be able to take Stephanie with it, and unable to interfere because they were held against the walls of the cavern by the spears of the ebu gogo.

Then the male ebu gogo walked up to Stephanie, stood between her spread legs, which were kept apart by the points of many spears, leaned over her resting his tiny hands on her stomach, and got his tiny penis inside of her vagina. Stephanie screamed and cried as the ebu gogo fucked her with short, quick, and rapid thrusts.