K Szpara: We're Here, We're Here

Jeff didn’t turn my voice on. He didn’t even turn my mic on. And yet, when the chorus comes around, I hold up my mic and move my lips and my voice rings out over the speakers like it’s coming from my throat. It’s not. I’m a warm body. A marionette. Jeff might as well stick his arm up my ass and puppet my jaw with his hand.

The lights dim to soft blues and purples. The four of us walk to the front of the stage, Aiden with his guitar. Jasper raises his mic to his lips and says, “We’re going to do something special for you guys. Go off-book. Sing a little song a cappella, for you, that we only ever sing for each other. You won’t find it on the set list.” The crowd cheers but Jasper holds his finger to his lips, quieting them. “You know the one I mean—Zeke?”

“Yup,” he answers. “And you guys are in for a treat.”

“Aiden?” Jasper says, next.

When Aiden says, “I’m ready,” I realize what Jasper’s doing.

He’s forcing Jeff’s hand.

My heart picks up speed as I search for the sound booth through the glare of lights. Is Jeff up there? Is his finger hovering over the app, wondering whether to turn my voice back on or shut Jasper’s off? When he says my name next, will Jeff let me answer?

“What about you, Ty?” Jas looks right at me. “You ready?”

When I bring my mic to my lips and say, “As ever,” the words sound full and loud over the waiting silence. I switch my mic to my left hand and put my arm around Jasper and sing, “We’re all together again, we’re here, we’re here.”

Jasper puts his around Aiden. “We’re all together again, we’re here, we’re here.”

Aiden, around Zeke. “Who knows when we’ll be all together again?”

Zeke around Aiden. “Singing all together again? We’re here, we’re here.”

We look at one another. Smile. And, this time, sing in unison, that we’re all together, again. Four voices, again. Brothers. Friends. Weirdos. We’re here. And who knows how long Jeff will let us go on like this. The label can stop the tour. Bar us from the studio. Maybe even keep us from singing all together, again. But we will continue to use our voices to support one another. As long as someone is listening. As long as we have each other. We’re here, we’re here.

Hugo and Nebula finalist K.M. Szpara is a queer and trans author who lives in Baltimore, MD. His debut novel is Docile , and his short fiction and essays appear in Uncanny , Lightspeed , Strange Horizons , and more. Kellan has a Master of Theological Studies from Harvard Divinity School, which he totally uses at his day job as a paralegal. You can sign up for email updates here.

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