Roger Zelazny - Here there be dragons

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a king who was king of a very small country. Indeed, his kingdom was so small that most people were not even aware it existed.

The king thought that it was a fairly large kingdom, though, as kingdoms went. This was because there were many mountains around the place, mountains which were difficult to climb. Because of these mountains, travelers would just go on around the kingdom, rather than go through it. And very few people ever left the kingdom, to come back and tell of other lands. People were pretty much afraid to do that.

They were afraid of the dragons.

They never saw any dragons, mind you, but they were afraid of them. This is because all the maps in the kingdom showed that they were surrounded by dragons dragons here, dragons there, dragons all over the place, all because of Mister Gibberling.

Mister Gibberling was the Royal Cartographer. (That means he was the official mapmaker.) Mister Gibberling was the Royal Cartographer because his father and his grandfather had been Royal Cartographers. Mister Gibberling had learned his profession from his father, who had learned it from his father.

Since people did not visit the kingdom very often, and the king's subjects seldom crossed over the mountains themselves, it was difficult for the Royal Cartographers to know exactly what to put down on their maps to show what was outside. So, as he had learned from his father (who had learned it from his father), whenever he did not know what to show as being in any certain place, Mister Gibberling picked up his quill, and with a great flourish of the feather wrote (in fancy letters):

-HERE THERE BE DRAGONS-

Then he would smile, because he had explained a new territory. Of course, since he did not really know what lay beyond the mountains in any direction, it soon came to appear that the entire world was infested with dragons. (And he would draw little pictures of fire-breathing dragons, roaring and flapping their wings, beneath what he wrote which certainly didn't help to promote tourism.)

This is why everyone was afraid of the dragons they had never seen. If your father were to drive into a gas station and ask for a road map, and it said, "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS" and it showed a little picture such as the ones Mister Gibberling drew, your father would take a dif- ferent route. So, since all the maps in the kingdom showed dragons everywhere, breathing flames and being mean, all the people in the kingdom stayed at home, because there were no other routes.

BUT THEN ONE DAY the king's daughter, the princess, was going to have a birthday, and the king wanted to celebrate it in a special way.

"I want fireworks!" he said.

"Yes, sire. A good idea," said his first adviser.

"Yes indeed, sire. A very good idea," said his second adviser.

"Oh yes, great sire! A very, very good idea," said his third adviser.

"Uh, where will we get them, sire?" asked his fourth adviser, who was never too popular around the court (but his dowager aunt was a good friend of the queen, so the king kept him about, despite his habit of asking uncomfortable questions).

"The man who used to manufacture fireworks died some ten years ago," he explained, "and he never trained anyone to take his place. This is why there have been no fireworks displays in recent years."

"We shall simply have to get them," said the king, "because I want them."

"Yes," said the first adviser.

"We shall simply have to get them," said the second.

"Because the king wants them," said the third.

"How?" asked the fourth.

"Well we could, ah import them," said the first.

"Yes, import them," said the second.

"Import them, yes," said the third.

"From where?" asked the fourth.

"Well, uh we could get them from ... Hmm.

"Yes, we could get them from Hmm," agreed the second.

"I was only hmming, not naming places," said the first.

"Oh, pardon me, I thought you meant the city of Hmm on the Mm river. It is too far away, now that I think of it."

"Why don't we get a map and look?" asked the third.

"An excellent idea," said the second. "Get a map and look."

So they did. They gathered around the map and studied.

"There are dragons to the east," said the first.

"... And dragons to the west," said the second.

"... And dragons to the north," said the third.

". . . And dragons to the south," said the fourth. "They seem to be all around us. In fact, there is only our kingdom and dragons on the map. Consequently, we cannot import any fireworks."

"It would seem to follow ..." said the first.

"But the king wants them!" said the second.

"But where can we get them?" asked the third.

Then the first adviser had an idea. "What is a dragon, anyway?" he asked.

"Oh, big!" said the second.

"... And mean," said the third.

". . . And ugly and scaly and strong and fire-breathing," finished the fourth. "There is a picture on the map‹ many pictures, as a matter of fact."

"Well," said the first, "dragons spout flames, don't they? Like Roman Candles, Vesuvius Fountains, Cannon Crackers, Whirlagigs, Blue Angels, Normandy Lights?"

"So I've always heard," said the second.

"Yes, exactly," said the third.

"When is the last time any of you has seen a dragon?" asked the fourth. "Well ..." said the first.

"Ah ..." said the second.

"Er ..." said the third.

"I was only curious," said the fourth. "I have never seen one myself."

"Oh, you. That doesn't prove anything," said the first. "Now then, listen: If we can't import fireworks, why can't we import a dragon to do the same job? Fire, colored lights things like that?"

"A stunning idea!" said the second. "Import a dragon!"

"Congratulations," said the third. "It is a brilliant idea. Dragons are available everywhere, while fireworks are not."

"Yes," said the fourth. "I would like very much to see you import a dragon."

"I shall suggest it to the king immediately," said the first adviser. He went and suggested it to the king.

"Oh, my yes!" said the king. "Won't it be jolly to have a dragon for the princess' birthday! Why didn't I think of that?"

"That is what advisers are for," said the first adviser.

"Send for a dragon immediately," ordered the king, "medium-sized, and with colored lights."

"Very good, sire," said the first adviser. "Send for a dragon," he told the second.

"Send for a dragon," the second adviser told the third.

"Send for a dragon," the third adviser told the fourth.

"Who shall I send, and where?" asked the fourth.

"That is your problem," said the third. "I only relay orders."

"But I have no one to relay them to," said the fourth.

"Then do it yourself," said the third.

"This is ridiculous!" said the fourth, whose name, incidentally, was William.

"It is the order of the king," said the third. "Your place is to obey, not to question."

"Very well," said William, sighing. "I'll give it a try. But I still think it is ridiculous."

"It is the king's order. Go, import a dragon!" And they laughed, as the fourth adviser went away to seek a medium-sized dragon with colored lights.

"I wonder," William wondered, "who I can send to fetch me a dragon? A knight! Of course! I'll send a knight. They are supposed to be accustomed to doing brave and bold and courageous things like that."

HE WALKED up the street to the local inn, where the knights spent most of their time eating and drinking. He went into the inn and looked for the captain of the King's Guard. The captain was seated at the first table, a huge platter of beef and a tankard of ale in front of him. He was a fat man with a red face and a wart on the left side of his nose. He kept eating while William talked to him.