Jeff Noon - Automated Alice

"I will most certainly try..."

The three adjacent books that Alice selected for Celia were called The Twenty-Seven of Spades, Descriptions of Cheese Funnels and Elsewhere in the Noonyvurt. Celia studied these three books for exactly two seconds and then announced, proudly, "Of course! How could I be so stupid!"

(The reader may like to join in the game before reading on, and pause to consider the connecting principle of the three books.)

"You mean you've found out how the librarinth is arranged?" asked Alice.

"It's so obvious!"

"Well, it's not at all obvious to me!" said Alice, rather vexed.

(Has the reader worked it out yet?)

"But surely you can see it, Alice?"

"No, I can't, Celia. Please tell me."

(Has the reader still not analysed it?)

"Very well," began Celia. "The books in this library are arranged according to the last three letters in their titles. Consider the first book, The Twenty-Seven of Spades; it ends in d... e... s. Consider the second book, Descriptions of Cheese Funnels; it starts with D... e... s, and then it ends with e... l... s. Consider the third book, Elsewhere in the Noonyvurt; it begins with E... l... s. Is that not conclusive proof, Alice, of my terbo-charged intelligence?"

"It would be," replied Alice, "except that the next book along the shelf, according to you, must begin with the letters U... r... t. And that can't be possible!"

Celia reached up for the next book on the shelf, pulled it down, and wordlessly showed it to Alice.

The book was called, not so wordlessly, Urtext Shurt.

"Well, I know what a Shurt is," said Alice; "it's a book by a writer of Wrongs called Mister Zenith O'Clock; but what is an Urtext?"

"Well, urtext is a German word, meaning the earliest form of a text. In other words, Urtext Shurt is an earlier version of the book called Shurt. Your Mister O'Clock must have deposited his first drafts in the library."

"Your mind is very active at the moment, Celia."

"I don't have a mind, I have a mound. And my computermites are rather tingling with all the exercise. Let's try to find the book of your life, Alice. What do you know about it?"

"I know that the book of my life is called Reality and Realicey. That means it must come after a book ending in r... e... a, and before a book beginning in C... e... y. Now what could they possibly be called? Wait a minute!"

And Alice did a little jump, quite startling herself. "I have the answer! Whippoorwill's last riddle was this: Who is it that lives between An Octopus's Area and Ceylon's Favourite Stethoscope? Why, that must be Reality and Realicey, mustn't it?"

"Well done, Alice!"

"Now, all we have to do is find a book called An Octopus's Area and a book called Ceylon's Favourite Stethoscope, and the book in between them will be called Reality and Realicey -- the story of my life!"

"This is a librarinth, remember, Alice? A book called Reality and Realicey could also be perched between two books called A Squid's Area and Ceylon's Favourite Teacup, or Ceylon's Favourite Anything! In the librarinth there is an infinitude of letters and spaces. All words, however misspelt, exist within these walls. The possibilities are endless."

"But Celia, I don't want the possibilities to be endless, I want them to end exactly upon the place where the book called Reality and Realicey lies."

"Stay calm, my dearest Alice," whispered Celia then, "and take my hand; I think we might have found some help..."

The help they found was Whippoorwill the parrot, of course, whom Celia had spotted flying along a corridor. A moment later Alice was flying herself, along with her automated sister, along the twisting tunnels of the librarinth, after Whippoorwill. Around and around and around the whirl of books they went, chasing the parrot. Until, eventually, he flew upwards into the roof of the building, and there he vanished through an open skylight!

"We've lost him!" squealed Alice, catching her breath.

"He must have been leading us somewhere," replied Celia. "After all, he knew all about the area of an octopus and the favourite stethoscope of Ceylon."

Alice pulled down the nearest book; it was called Crocus and Chairless. "Celia, this book is nowhere near to my Reality and Realicey!"

"Examine the next book along," urged Celia.

The next book along was Essex Excess; the one after that was called Essential Modes of Rocking Chair Leathers; the next after that, Ersatz Marbles. Alice was by this time pulling out book after book after book, and casting them all to the ground! Lessons in Wonderment, Entries to Bliss, Issues of Mischief Paper, Perhaps the Curtains are Crimson, Son of the Son of Monster Magnet, Nettles and Binoculars (a User's Primer), Mercurial Teeth and How to Shave Them, Hemlines through the Ages, Gesticulating Ogre, Great Ways to Cook Bacon, Considering Breakfast, Asterisk and the History of Disco, Scooping for Boys, Oysters in Trousers, Ersatz Trousers, Ersatz Pinafores, Rescuing Books from Libraries (a How-to Guide), Ideals in Kippers, Erstwhile Manchester...

Book after book after book... Alice pulling a storm of leaves off the shelves...

Termite Control (Advanced), Cedar Control (Moronic), Nicotine Knitwear and Smoking Trumpet Control (Advanced Moronic), Nice and Easy Does It (Advanced Moronic and Clock-Rush), Usherettes of Tomorrow.

"The book of my life is nowhere to be seen!" cried Alice, pulling out even more books, as the piles of books on the floor grew and grew. Rowing to Bleak House, Use of Loose Moose in a Kitchen, Henry the Eighth and His Sixteen Wives...

"Keep looking, my Alice," replied Celia, calmly. "Whippoorwill surely has a plan..."

More books pulled off: Vest Sores, Rescuing Books from Libraries (Volume Seven), Venus Guitars, Ars Gratia Artis, Tissue Ellipsis, Sisterly Forever...

"Celia, I do believe we're getting closer!" cried Alice, crushing books under foot to reach Vertical Piano Playing, and then Ingots of Gold, and then Olden Times, Messages from Jupiter, Terminal Guano. "Yes! here it is!" screamed Alice, pulling out the next book along: An Octopus's Area. But when Alice pulled the next book down from the shelf, imagine her disappointment to find that it was called Ceylon's Favourite Stethoscope! "But this is all wrong!" stamped Alice. "This book should be called Reality and Realicey!"

"It should be," Celia murmured, "but it isn't. Look, Alice, there's a gap where your book should have been."

"But what does that mean, Celia?"

"It means, Alice, that somebody has borrowed your history."

"How dare they!" cried Alice. "I shall never be able to look up myself now!"

Alice was crying so much that Celia had to clamp her porcelain fingers over her twin twister's mouth. "Alice, will you keep quiet!" she whispered. "We are in a library, remember. Shush! You'll disturb the other readers..."

(The reader will have only just noticed the other readers, for the simple fact that I forgot to mention them previously. Oh dear, I am getting forgetful in my old age. Never mind, let me show you the several mixed-up this-and-that creatures that were studying their chosen books at various tables. They were all looking up at Alice with glaring eyes. Why, some of them were even pointedly pointing towards the SILENCE PLEASE sign!)

"I don't care about the other readers!" Alice sobbed. "Oh Celia! Just when we were so close to finding it, as well!"

"I know! It is a bother, isn't it?" Celia croaked, kindly. "But look, there's a funny little Fishman over at that table -- a Plaiceman, I believe -- and he's fast asleep! Now you wouldn't want to waken him, would you? That would be rude."