Jeff Noon - Automated Alice

"Celia!" cried Alice, turning around to recognize her automated counterpart. "I've been searching for you everywhere!"

"I have also been searching for you everywhere. Maybe that's why we couldn't find each other until now; everywhere is a terribly large place, don't you agree?"

"I really don't care, Celia!" replied Alice. "Can you please tell me what that hideous iron bird is doing up there?"

"That is a whirlybird," answered Celia; "an automated police-raven. Surely you've heard of the phrase 'The whirlybird catches the wurm'?"

"Well, I've almost heard of the phrase, but please, tell me that isn't a cannon at the front of the whirlybird?"

"It is a cannon, and we must remove ourselves from this Square. Alice, you must look up yourself."

Alice did try her best to look up herself, folding her body into a mingle of knots, but all to no avail! And the whirlybird was spiralling ever downwards to Albert Square, darkening the shadow of itself.

"But wherever shall we remove ourselves to?" cried Alice to Celia.

"We shall remove ourselves to the Central Library of Manchester."

"To find my history, Celia?"

"To look up yourself, Alice. Exactly so! Hold my hand..."

So Alice took a hold of Celia's hand, only to be whisked (at a terribly automated speed!) towards the immense, circular Central Library of Manchester! It seemed to Alice that she arrived at the library almost before she set off from the Square. The police-raven did try to keep up with the whizzing young girls, but all it could do was to get itself into a right flap! In fact it was really getting the wind up itself! Alice and Celia laughed to see the fearful mechanical bird struggling in vain with the wind and the rain, and to see Mrs Minus and Inspector Jack Russell struggling to keep hold of their seats! Oh what a joyous sight! Alice and Celia then ducked into the library. (That is to say, a mutated creature -- made up of half a man and half an aquatic bird with short legs, large webbed feet, and a broad blunt bill -- was waddling through the door at the same time, and Alice and Celia managed to duck into the library, under the creature's rather over-large bill!)

SILENCE PLEASE! commanded a sign above the library desk, so Celia could only whisper hoarsely to Alice, "Don't worry, the whirlybird is too big to get through the door."

"But won't Mrs Minus and Inspector Jack Russell simply bring the whirlybird to the ground?" Alice asked. "And then, won't they simply climb off? And then, won't they simply come to find us on foot?"

"They may simply try to do these things," replied Celia, "but they will find the library to be not at all a simple place. They will never find us here amongst the thousands of books, because, this is not only a library, it's also a labyrinth."

"Oh I see," said Alice, "this library is really a librarinth?

"Alice!" cried Celia. "I do believe you are getting used to the language of the future!"

"But I don't want to get used to the future," said Alice. "I want to go back to the past."

"Actually, I quite like it here in the future," Celia proclaimed.

"Celia! Don't you dare say that!"

"But I do."

"Listen to me, Celia. We are both going back to the past, together! Now, please direct me to my history."

"We must ask the librarian about its whereabouts."

The librarian at the desk was a large and stoutly squatted half-frog of a woman, complete with a tweed bonnet on her slimy head and a pair of pince-nez on her slimy nose. Her long, slimy tongue was flicking over the dates on the Duckman's books. "These are late, these books!" the Frogwoman croaked. "These are late! These books are late back!" She then presented the Duckman with a very broad and blunt bill for one-hundred-and-fifty-seven pounds! The Duckman started to quack in dismay; he started to argue with the Frogwoman. Alice and Celia were still waiting in the queue two minutes later, and getting very impatient as they listened to the quacking and croaking.

Another two minutes later the frog and the duck were still arguing.

"Oh! This is ridiculous!" cried Alice in frustration. "We might as well be queuing by a duck pond!"

"But what else can we do, Alice?" replied Celia. "After all, we are English."

"Well I'm tired of being English!" And with that Alice butted in at the counter to ask where in the library she could find --

"Do you mind, young lady?" croaked the Frogwoman. "This gentleduck is before you."

"That's right, no butting in, young lady!" quacked the Duckman.

Alice glared at the librarian. "Do you realize, Mrs Frog, that I have been a resident in this city for one-hundred-and-thirty-eight years? Surely I'm entitled to a bit of help?"

"Alice, please..." hissed Celia.

"Celia! Will you please stop bothering me!" cried Alice. "Now, where was I...?"

"But Alice," Celia whispered, "the police are here..."

Alice spun around! There indeed were Mrs Minus and Inspector Jack Russell, rushing through the library doors!

"Alice, quickly!" called out Celia. "Grab my hand! We must find your book ourselves!"

One grab of an automated hand later, Alice was travelling at speed up some stairs and then along some winding corridors. It was such a spiralling warren of dark and circular tunnels inside the library that the twistering pair of girls very quickly managed to lose the police, and the sounds of their pursuers dwindled away. However, it was easier to lose something in the librarinth than to find anything. Each of the tunnels wound around a deep shelving of books. Each book bled into a circle of stories, and each story unwound into a maze of words. Alice and Celia went careering around the circulating corridors, looking at spines as they went, looking for the correct book.

One of the books they spotted was called Waiting for Zo-Zo, another was called Butcher in the Pie, another The Whirl Uncording to Carp. Here are some more books they saw in their search: Hatch 22, The Gnome of the Hose, Stoat Fishing in Amirrorca, From Cher to Infirmity, How to Forsake Friends and Unfluence People, The Upping Street Tears, Useless-ease, Fooligan's Wake, Merde sur la Nile (in French), The Waistlined, Das Typical, The Zen of Auto-Horse Maintenance, Withering Kites, Wildhood's End, 2001, A Bass Odyssey, The Bargain Hoods of Hay, Midget's Children, Crepe Expectations, The Holy Bubble (including The Mould Infestment and the Nude Jestament), Five Go Off to Damp, Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less.

"Celia, these book titles make no sense at all! complained Alice. "Especially that last one!"

"Well you did call this place a librarinth, Alice," replied Celia, slowing down to a standstill in yet another dusty room of books.

"Not only no sense," stated Alice, letting go of her friend's hand, "but also no kind of order at all!"

"You think not, Alice?"

"Neither alphabetical order by title; nor alphabetical order by author."

"Or even, subject, Alice."

"Exactly, Celia: no order at all! What is the use of such a random library? How can anybody find the book they want?"

"I suspect there is an order to the librarinth, Alice, otherwise how could the librarinthians locate the books at all?"

"But if the order isn't by title or author or subject, what can it be?"

"Maybe it's a secret order, Alice, known only to the librarinthians? Maybe the order's waiting for us to find it."

"But how can we do that?"

"We examine, Alice. We use logic. We take a row of books, and then we analyse them for coincidences."

"Very well then," said Alice, gruffly, taking down three books from the nearest shelf. "Here are three books. Analyse these, if you can!"