Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

"Yes. I... I'm sorry to impose on your schedule like this..."

"Nonsense. Glad to help. That's why I'm self-employed... so I can control my own schedule. Please. Have a seat and make yourself at home."

Once we were seated, however, I found myself at a loss as to how I should begin the conversation. But, with the Butterfly watching me with attentive expectation, I felt I had to say something.

"Um... Edvik tells me you met at an art auction?"

"That's right... though I'll admit that for me it was more of a whim than anything else. Edvik is really much more the collector and connoisseur than I am." The cabbie preened visibly under the implied praise. "No. I just dropped by out of curiosity. I had heard that this particular auction had a reputation for being a lot of fun, so I pulled a couple thousand out of the bank and wandered in to see for myself. The auctioneers were amusing, and the bidding was lively, but most of the art being offered didn't go with my current decor. So when that one particular item came up..."

I tried to keep an interested face on, but my mind wasn't on his oration. Instead, I kept pondering the easy way he had said "... so I pulled a couple thousand..." Clearly this was a different kind of Pervect than Aahz was. My old partner would have been more willing to casually part with a couple pints of his blood than with gold. "... But in the long run it worked out fine." The Butterfly was finishing his tale, and I laughed dutifully along with him.

"Tell him about your friend, Skeeve."

"That's right. Here I've been rattling on and we haven't even started to address your problem," the financier nodded, shifting forward on his chair. "Edvik said you were trying to locate someone who might have been active in our financial circles."

"I'm not sure you'll be able to help," I began, grateful for not having to raise the subject myself. "He's been off dimension for several years now. His name is Aahz."

The Butterfly pursed his lips thoughtfully. "The name doesn't ring any bells. Of course, in these days of nesting corporations and holding companies, names don't really mean much. Can you tell me anything about his style?"

"His style?"

"How would you describe his approach to money? Is he a plunger? A dabbler?"

I had to laugh at that.

"Well, the words ‘tight-fisted' and ‘penny-pinching' are the first that come to mind."

"There's ‘tight-fisted' and there's ‘cautious,' " the Butterfly smiled. "Perhaps you'd better tell me a little about him, and let me try to extract and analyze the pertinent parts."

So I told him. Once I had gotten started, the words seemed to come rushing out in a torrent.

I told him about meeting Aahz when he got stranded on my home dimension of Klah after a practical joke gone awry robbed him of his magikal powers, and how he took me on as an apprentice after we stymied Isstvan's plan to take over the dimensions. I told him about how Aahz had convinced me to try out for the position of Court Magician for the kingdom of Possiltum, and how that had led to our confrontation with Big Julie's army as well as introducing me to the joys of bureaucratic in-fighting. He clucked sympathetically when I told him about how Tananda and I had tried to steal the trophy from the Big Game as a birthday present for Aahz. and how we had had to put together a team to challenge the two existing teams after Tananda got caught. He was amused by my rendition of how I got stuck masquerading as Roderick, the king, and how I got Massha as an apprentice, though he seemed most interested in the part about how we broke up the Mob's efforts to move into the Bazaar at Deva and ended up working for both sides of the same brawl. I even told him about our brief sortie into Limbo when Aahz got framed for murdering a vampire, and my even briefer career into the arena of professional Dragon Poker which pitted my friends and me against the Sen-Sen Ante Kid and the Ax. Finally, I tried to explain how we expanded our operation into a corporation, ending with how Aahz had walked out, leaving a note behind stating that, without his powers, he felt he was needless baggage to the group.

The Butterfly listened to it all, and, when I finally ground to a halt, he remained motionless for many long minutes, apparently digesting what he had heard. "Well, one thing I can tell you," he said at last. "Your friend isn't a financier... here on Perv, or anywhere else, for that matter."

"He isn't? But he's always talking about money."

"Oh, there's more to being a financier than talking about money," the Butterfly laughed. "The whole idea is to put one's money to work through investments. If anything, this Aahz's hoarding techniques would indicate that he's pretty much an amateur when it comes to money. You, on the other hand, by incorporating and diversifying through holdings in other businesses, show marked entrepreneurial tendencies. Perhaps sometime we might talk a bit about mutual investment opportunities."

I suppose it was all quite flattering, and under other circumstances I might have been happy to chat at length with the Butterfly about money management. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the disappointment of the bottom line... that he wouldn't be able to give me any information that would help me locate Aahz.

"Thanks, but right now I think I'd better focus on one thing at a time, and my current priority is finding my old partner."

"Well, sorry I couldn't have been of more assistance," the financier said, rising to his feet. "One thing, though, Skeeve, if you don't mind a little advice?"

"What's that?"

"You might try to take a bit more of an active role in your own life. You know... instead of reactive?" That one stopped me short as I was reaching for the door.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. It was just a thought."

"Well, could you elaborate a little? C'mon, Butterfly! Don't drop a line like that on me without some kind of an explanation to go with it."

"It's really none of my business," he shrugged, "but I couldn't help but notice during your story that you seemed to be living your life reacting to crisis rather than having any real control over things. Your old partner and mentor got dropped in your lap and the two of you teamed up to stop someone who might try to assassinate either of you next. It was Aahz who forced you to try for the job as court magician, and ever since then you've been yielding to pressure, real or perceived, from almost everybody in your life:

Tananda, Massha, the Mob, the Devan Chamber of Commerce... even whatzisname, Grimble and that Badaxe have leaned on you. It just seems to me that for someone as successful as you obviously are, you really haven't shown much gumption or initiative."

His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. I had been shouted out by experts, but somehow Butterfly's calm criticism cut me deeper than any tonguelashing I had ever recieved from Aahz.

"Things have been kind of scrambled..." I started, but the financier cut me off.

"I can see that, and I don't mean to tell you how to run your life. You've had some strong-willed, dominating people who have been doing just that, though, and I'd have to say the main offender has been this fellow, Aahz. Now, I know you're concerned about your friendship, but if I were you, I'd think long and hard about inviting him back into my life until I had gotten my own act together."

"How come I get all the hard questions?"

—O. NORTH

"SKEEVE! HEY, SKEEVE! Can ya ease up for a bit?" The words finally penetrated my self-imposed fog and I slackened my pace, letting Kalvin catch up with me.

"Whew! Thanks," the Djin said, hovering in his now accustomed place. "I told you before I'm not real strong. Even hovering takes energy, ya know. You were really moving there."