Robert Asprin - Myth-ion Improbable

"Well, handsome, my father was right. You are special." I could feel myself blushing. "Thanks."

"No, thank you," she said, "for everything. In all the years of trying to find the silly treasure on that map, I never thought I'd know exactly where it was at."

"Well, now we do, and we can get there pretty soon," I said. "Jump us back to Vortex #6."

She smiled and shook her head.

"Sorry, my prince in a white hat. Maybe next time."

With a slight wave and a kiss motion, she vanished in a slight POOF!

"That's not funny," I shouted, staring at where she had been.

The guy came in, looking puzzled.

"What's not funny? And where is your beautiful friend?"

I glanced around, then pointed at the back door.

"I told her I'd get started on the dishes. She'll be right back, I'm sure."

"Good," he said. "Let me know when she returns. She said she had a surprise for me."

He headed back out into the main room, leaving me stand­ ing there alone in a strange kitchen.

In a strange dimension.

It seemed he wasn't the only one Glenda had planned a surprise for.

"Alone again...naturally."

R. CRUSOE

Now I have to admit that my first reaction after Glenda left me standing there in that restaurant kitchen was to scream and shout and call out her name, along with Aahz and Tanda's names.

Screaming would have covered up the panic I felt, but I knew for a fact that screaming would have done no good. But I still wanted to, more than anything.

I didn't.

My second reaction was to run like crazy out the back door, but then I would be a wanted man for skipping out on the lunch bill, and considering I might be stuck here for some time, I managed to not run either.

But I sure wanted to.

The third reaction I had was to go into automatic to give my poor mind time to sort through what had just happened. That was as good as anything I could do, so I turned and started washing off the dishes, dumping the garbage in a big pail, and dipping the plates enough in the dirty barrel water that they pretended to be clean.

I could imagine that on the outside I looked calm and col lected, but on the inside I was a mess.

"Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic," I kept saying to myself, timing the phrase with deep breaths and the dipping of the dishes in the water.

Finally I got myself under enough control to ask a few questions.

Why had she left me?

No easy answer. At least none that I wanted to really ad­mit, yet there was nothing else that made sense. She had left. That simple. She had seen the location of the golden cow trea­ sure and that was the last thing she needed from me or Aahz or Tanda. On the first opportunity she had headed off on her own.

Leaving me alone in a kitchen in a strange dimension. "Don't panic," I said to myself, dipping more dishes. I dumped more half-eaten food into the bucket, dipped another plate, and asked the next question. Had I been a fool?

The answer to that one came clearly in Aahz's voice. Yes.

He would also say it was nothing new or unusual. She had played me, and Aahz and Tanda, like a finely tuned musical instrument, using my heart and my emotions as the strings.

"What a fool," I said aloud.

There was no one in there to agree with me, but I didn't need anyone to agree. I knew I had been a fool.

I scraped, dipped, and went on to the next question.

What do I do now?

I had no idea.

Nothing. I was stuck here for the moment. Maybe forever if something happened to Aahz and Tanda, or if they couldn't find me.

The thought made me panic, so I kept washing dishes.

After a few minutes the guy came back in with more dirty plates. He was clearly disappointed that Glenda was not back yet, but he said nothing. He put the plates down and then left.

I dumped the awful food and dipped the plates, doing my best to keep calm. But pretty soon I was out of dishes to wash. I used the dirty rag to wipe off all the plates and stack them, then I wiped off the counter as well. After I was done I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I went back out to the bar.

"My friend came in a few minutes ago," I said. He looked as if he might cry, so I went quickly on with my lie.

"She said she will be back in about an hour with your surprise."

That brightened him right up again.

"You want to check what I have done back there?"

"Nope," he said, smiling. "Everything is even with you as far as I'm concerned."

"Great grub you got here," I said, patting my stomach and then tipping my hat.

"Thanks, partner," he said, smiling and showing me the same ugly-looking teeth the woman had. "Anytime. You come back now, ya hear?"

"Sure will," I said, and headed out into the street.

The sun was still cooking the hard center of the street, so I stayed on the sidewalk, tipping my hat and saying "Howdy" to anyone who passed me. The guy with the shovel must have finished cleaning up the street, leaving only the big piles of horse droppings as evidence of his work.

It hadn't been much longer than fifteen minutes since Glenda had left me, even though it felt like an eternity. There was no sign of her or Aahz or Tanda.

I kept moving, fighting down the desire to shout out Aahz's name. And the desire to just run. I didn't know where I would run, but for some reason running was a massive desire.

I reached the edge of town and stood on the last board of the covered sidewalk looking up the road that wound toward the cliff where we had hopped into this dimension. I was sure Tanda and Aahz would come back for me.

Unless, of course, Glenda had done something to them on

Vortex #6.

I didn't want to think about that. If that happened, I was going to be stuck right here for a very long time.

There was no sign of anyone on the road coming down the hill. I turned and headed back up the sidewalk, doing my "Howdy" bit to anyone who passed, with the hit-tipping routine added in. When I reached the other end of town and the end of the shaded sidewalk, I stared off into the distance to where the road vanished into some low hills.

Then I turned around and started back.

At the moment there was nothing else left for me to do.

I managed to walk the entire length of the town six times before I decided that my behavior might attract attention I didn't want. When I reached the end of the sidewalk again, on the end of town where we had first entered, I sat down with my back to the wall.

Overhead the sun was slowly dropping. It didn't look like it would be more than a few hours before it set. Then what would I do?

I didn't have a clue.

The question as to why Aahz and Tanda hadn't come back for me yet bothered me a lot. I figured that with my washing dishes and pacing the length of the town, a good two hours had gone by. The pacing had helped me some, allowing me to work off some of the panic and fear. For the moment it felt as if my mind was working pretty clear again, and I was proud of myself for how well I had done so far. I just hoped I would have a chance to tell Aahz and Tanda and let them be proud of me.

I stared out at the empty road. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck on a vegetarian planet with some weird, hat-tipping people who didn't believe in money.

Down the street a couple people looked at me, seeming almost shocked because I was sitting on the sidewalk. I stood, tipped my hat at them, and leaned against the building instead. They smiled as if I were now suddenly all right, and went about their business. For the next few minutes I stared out at the empty road leading off toward the rock cliffs, trying to decide what to do. Should I walk back up there or stay right where I was?