Marion Bradley - The Mists of Avalon

Day by day she wove her spell, with touches and glances and whispered words, as the moon waned away toward darkness. After that first, swift kiss, she withdrew again, as if he had frightened her. It is true. But it is more that I frightened myself ... never, never in all the years of seclusion had she suspected herself of being capable of such passion, such hunger; and she knew that her spells were enhancing it in herself as in him. At one point, teased beyond endurance by her whispered touches, the soft brushing of her hair against his face when she bent over him where he sat at his harp, he turned and seized her and crushed her to him, and she struggled in real, not pretended, fright this time.

"No-no, I cannot-you forget yourself-I beg you, let me go-" she cried out, and when he only clasped her closer, burying his face in her bosom and covering her breasts with kisses, she began to cry softly. "No, no, I am afraid, I am afraid-"

He let her go then and drew away, almost in a daze. His breath was hoarse and hard. He sat with his eyes closed, his twisted hands hanging limp. After a moment he murmured, "My beloved, my precious white bird, my own sweetheart-forgive me-forgive me-"

Nimue realized that now she could use even her own very real fear for her own ends. She said, whimpering, "I trusted you. I trusted you-"

"You should not," he said hoarsely. "I am no more than a man, and certainly not less than one ..." and she cringed at the bitterness as he added, "I am a man of flesh and blood, and I love you, Nimue, and you play with me as if I were a lapdog and expect me to be tame as a gelded pony ... do you think because I am a cripple I am less than a man?"

In his mind Nimue could see, clear and mirrored, memory of a time when he had said this to the first woman who had ever come to him, and saw Morgaine reflected in his eyes and his mind, not the Morgaine she knew but a dark, bewitching woman, soft of voice, yet somehow terrible too, worshipped and also feared because through the daze of passion he could remember that suddenly the lightning would strike ... .

Nimue reached her hands to him and knew they were trembling and that he would never know why. She guarded her thoughts carefully and said, "I never thought that. Forgive me, Kevin. I-I could not help myself-"

And it is all true. Goddess, it is all true. But not as he believes. What I say is not what he hears.

And yet for all her pity and desire there was a thread of contempt too. Otherwise I could not bear it, to do what I do ... but a man so nakedly at the mercy of desire is contemptible ... . I too tremble, I am torn ... but I will not be at the mercy of my body's hunger ... .

And that was why Morgaine had given her the key to this man, put him wholly into her hands. Now was the time to speak the words that would consolidate the spell, make him hers, body and soul, so that she might bring him to Avalon and the appointed doom.

Pretend! Pretend to be one of those feckless virgins Gwenhwyfar has about her, with their minds between their legs!

She said, faltering, "I am sorry-I know you are indeed a man-I am sorry I was afraid-" and she raised her eyes to his, a gaze aslant through her long hair, afraid that if he could look deep into her eyes she would blurt out all her duplicity. "I ... I-yes, I wanted you to kiss me, but then you were so fierce, and I was frightened. This is neither the time nor the place, someone might come suddenly upon us, and then the Queen would be angry, and I am one of her maidens, and she has warned us that we must not run about with men ... "

Is he fool enough to believe me when I speak such simpering nonsense?

"My poor darling!" Kevin covered her hands with contrite kisses. "Ah, I am a beast to frighten you, I love you so ... I love you so much that I cannot bear it! Nimue, Nimue, are you so afraid of the Queen's anger? I cannot-" He stopped and breathed again, hard. "I cannot live like this-would you have it that I should be gone from this court? Never, never have I-" he stopped again and then, holding her hands between his, he said, "I cannot live without you. I must have you or die. Will you not have some pity on me, beloved?"

She lowered her eyes, with a long sigh, watching his contorted face, his dazed breathing. At last she whispered, "What can I say to you?"

"Say that you love me!"

"I love you." She knew that she sounded like a woman under a spell. "You know that I do."

"Say that you will give me all your love, say that-ah, Nimue, Nimue, you are so young and beautiful, and I am so twisted and ugly, I cannot believe you care for me, even now I think I am dreaming, that you have for some reason roused me like this that you might make fun of the beast grovelling at your feet like a dog ... ."

"No," she said, and swiftly, as if she were afraid of her own daring, bent quickly down and laid the lightest of kisses against his eyes, two darting swallows that came and went.

"Nimue, will you come to my bed?"

She whispered, "I am frightened ....e might be seen, and I dare not be so wanton-we might be discovered." She arranged her lips into a childish pout. "If we were caught, then the men would think you only all the more manly for it, and none would chide or shame you, but I, I am a maiden and they would point to me as a harlot or worse ... " and she let tears slide down her cheek, but inward she was all triumph. I have him now safe within my net ... .

"I would do anything, anything to protect you, to reassure you ... " Kevin said, his voice trembling with sincerity.

"I know men like to boast of their conquest of maidens," she said. "How do I know you will not brag of it throughout Camelot, that you have the favor of the Queen's kinswoman and have taken her maidenhood?"

"Trust me, I beg you, trust me-what can I do? What proof can I give you of my sincerity? You know that I am yours, body and heart and soul-"

And for a moment she was angry, I do not want your damned soul, she thought, close to weeping with tension and fear. He held her between his hands and whispered, "How? When will you be mine? What can I do to prove that I love you beyond all things?"

She said, hesitating, "I cannot take you to my bed. I sleep in a room with four of the Queen's ladies, and any man who came there would be seized by the guards-"

He said, bending again to cover her hands with kisses, "My poor little love, I would never bring shame on you. I have a place of my own-a little chamber fit for a dog, mostly because none other of the King's men wishes to share quarters with me. I do not know if you would dare to come there."

"Surely there must be some better way ... " she whispered, keeping her voice soft and tender. Damn you, how can I suggest it without dropping this pretense of maidenly innocence and stupidity ... ? "I cannot think of anywhere within the castle where we could be truly safe, and yet-" She stood and pressed herself against him, where he sat, her breasts just nudging his brow.

He flung his arms around her and buried his face in her body, his shoulders shaking. Then he said, "At this season-it is warm and fair and there is little rain. Would you dare to come out of doors with me, Nimue?"

She murmured as artlessly as she could, "I would dare anything to be with you, my love."

"Then-tonight ... ?"

"Oh," she whispered, shrinking, "the moonlight is so bright, we should be seen ... wait a few days, then there will be no moon ... ."

"When the moon is dark-" Kevin flinched, and she knew that here was the moment of danger, the moment when the carefully played fish might slip off the hook and out of the net and be free. In Avalon the priestesses secluded themselves at moon-dark, and all magic was suspended ... but he knew not that she was of Avalon.

Would his fear or his desire win out? She was motionless, just fluttering her fingers within his. He said, "That is an uncanny time-"