Terry Jones: Starship Titanic

Nettie had been looking for Lucy and Dan all over the garden. 'May I join the funeral?' she said.

Dan nodded and Nettie sat down on the other side of him. Lucy took her hand away from Dan's.

'So,' Nettie began. 'I suppose this is going to be home from now on.'

'You look as if you've made yourself pretty much at home already,' remarked Lucy, who was still wearing her Earth clothes.

'I thought I might as well start getting into the role,' laughed Nettie.

'That is so sensible,' said Dan, to Lucy's intense annoyance.

'Look I don't want to break you two up...' said Nettie, even more to Lucy's intense annoyance. 'but I've got something to tell you... Something I think you ought to know...'

Nettie didn't quite know where to begin. 'It's about the rectory... your hotel...' she said.

'It's sad to think we'll never be able to run it after all, Nettie,' Dan sighed into his wine.

'You were never going to be able to run it,' replied Nettie.

'What d'you mean?' Lucy was immediately on the defensive. What was Nettie implying? That they were incompetent or something?

'I don't know whether I should tell you this now... maybe it's pointless... But on the other hand maybe it'll make you feel better...'

'What?' demanded Lucy. She had stood up and folded her arms, in her best courtroom 'How do you dare propose that?' posture.

'Well...' said Nettie, 'Nigel was a shit - we all know that...'

'He was my best friend!' exclaimed Dan.

'Yes... sure...' replied Nettie. 'But he was a shit.'

'You certainly let him treat you like shit!' retorted Lucy.

'That's my problem,' replied Nettie. 'I'm crazy. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid. And although Nigel never discussed any of his business with me, I can tell you he didn't sell Top Ten Travel for anything like the amount he told you he had. That's why you could never get the documentation off him. He actually sold it for peanuts. You'd never have been able to pay off the rectory - let alone set up the hotel.'

There was a brief silence, that seemed to get up, stretch its legs and then wander off into the night.

'Huh!' snorted Lucy eventually. 'That doesn't surprise me one little bit!'

'Well! It sure surprises me!' exclaimed Dan. 'How d'you know this, Nettie?' He felt incredibly indignant - probably indignant at Nigel, but for the moment, he was content to be indignant with the messenger.

'Oh...' said Nettie, 'he was so sloppy - he used to leave documents just lying around. He didn't give a shit. I guess he never bothered to talk to me enough to find out that I was bright enough to see what he was up to. I kept trying to tell you - but we never met except with Nigel in tow. It was awful; I could see you heading for disaster.'

'That bastard!' cried Lucy, striding around beneath the oleanders. 'If we ever get back to Earth I'm going to tear his balls off!'

'Well, that's one threat he doesn't have to worry about,' sighed Dan, his depression deepening by the second. Suddenly he felt Nettie's hand on his ann. He turned and looked directly into her eyes and felt his stomach give way. A wave of wonderful helplessness swept over him, as he felt her eyes falling into his. And yet she was saying something else. Dan couldn't make out what it was that Nettie was saying, he was so overcome with her proximity and the way her breasts showed under the translucent muslin of her Yassaccan shift. The next moment, before he regained his senses, she had rushed off in some excitement.

Dan turned to Lucy: 'What did she just say?' he managed to ask.

'She just said: "Wait a minute! I've got it! I've got the answer! I knew I would!' replied Lucy.

'Oh!' said Dan.

There was a silence. Then he added: 'I'm sorry about the hotel. I know how much it meant to you.'

Lucy looked at him in some surprise. 'I was more worried for you. I know you'd staked everything on it.' Dan frowned and took a little swig of his wine. 'That's why I went along with it,' continued Lucy. 'I never really liked the rectory that much. I just couldn't bear for you to be disappointed.'

Dan took another little swig of his wine. Then he did something that was so uncharacteristic that it made Lucy jump out of her skin: he threw his glass against one of the oleanders and it shattered into tiny pieces.

'Well,' he said. 'In that case, I guess we've both been fooling ourselves and each other for a long time. I was only so keen because I thought you were.'

Lucy was playing with one of the buttons that had come off her pinstripe power-suit during her earlier encounter with The Journalist. 'Maybe that says it all, Dan... Maybe that says it all...'

Dan found Nettie in a state of some agitation. She had just been proposed to by Captain Bolfass, Corporal Inchbewigglit, Corporal Rinfineagelbun, Corporal BukeHammadorf, his half-cousin by marriage, Buke-Willinujit, Buke-Willinujit's father, Corporal Golholiwol, the Yassaccan Prime Minister and several other Yassaccans she did not actually know, on her way across the lawn. The Prime Minister had even given her a bottle of famous Yassaccan scent. 'Only wear it for us Yassaccans, my dear,' he had said and squeezed her bottom.

When Dan caught up with her Nettie was desperately looking for her handbag.

'God! You don't think anyone's stolen it, do you?'

'I believe they don't have much crime here on Yassacca,' said Dan.

'There's been all this organized crime since the economy went down the chute,' said Nettie.

'But organized crime isn't going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie!' Dan was trying to be reassuring.

'I've got to find it!' exclaimed Nettie, her eyes blazing just a few inches away from Dan's, Dan's knees suddenly relaxed their grip on the standing-up situation, and he had to sit down on the nearest tree stump.

'Great grief! That wonderful scent you're wearing!'

'The Prime Groper of Yassacca just gave it to me in more ways than one,' replied Nettie.

'Nettie! I...' Dan didn't really have a clue what he wanted to say. It was as if the scent had wrapped itself around him and wouldn't let go until he told her the truth.

'What?' Nettie was back searching a pile of clothes that various people had dumped over a bed that was standing on the veranda of Corporal Golholiwol's house.

'Nettie I... I think... I m crazy about you!' Dan didn't know quite how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Nettie's waist and was kissing the back of her neck. Nettie span round.

'Stop that!' she cried. Dan backed off. 'You're getting married to Lucy! You're going to start a hotel! You're going to have kids and all that sort of thing!'

'Everything's changed!' said Dan. 'We can't go back to Earth. It's all different here!' And he tried to put his arms round her again. But Nettie backed away.

'Now hold on, Romeo!' said Nettie. 'I'm not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides! You're going back to Earth! We're all going back to Earth - I hope - just as soon as I find my handbag!'

'What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?' Dan didn't doubt for a moment that Nettie had the solution if she said she had - he knew that if any one of them had the brains to get them back it would be Nettie. He worshipped her. He admired her. But why couldn't he tell her properly instead of behaving like a sex-crazed halfwit?

'Let's just find it, shall we?' said Nettie. So Dan stopped asking questions and put his mind to looking for the handbag.

'I'm sorry! Are you looking for this?' Corporal Golholiwol was holding up Nettie's handbag. Nettie grabbed it, opened it and started feverishly rummaging through it.

Dan looked at Corporal Golholiwol. 'Nettie's got something in it that will help us get back to the Earth.' He hoped Nettie wouldn't hear how like a sex-crazed halfwit he sounded.