Douglas Adams - HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

"Okay fella," said Eddie. "But could you tell Marvin to be a little more laid back about this?"

The Heart of Gold leapt into a drunken dance through the clouds. Ford and Bolo retired to their quarters to explore the hypothesis that sexual performance is affected detrimentally by stress and pressure. There was also the theory of sex after death to evaluate if the situation arose. It amounted to a lot of research to be crammed in, which explained their eagerness to get on with it.

"I don't know how they can," muttered Arthur.

"Perhaps if you ask them nicely they'll let you watch," scowled Zaphod.

Arthur reverted his attention to the monitor. He could see six small blobs gaining on the large blob that was the Heart of Gold.

"Can't we go into hyperspace or something?" Asked Fenchurch.

"We could end up smack bang in the middle of a Supernova," said Zaphod, purposefully flicking a handful of switches. The fact that he had only turned down the air conditioning wasn't important, the main thing was that he was doing something.

The Heart of Gold screamed out of the acid clouds like Archimedes out of the bath having sat on something.

"Come with me," said Zaphod, pulling Arthur along. They went through the ship until they came to a ladder. Zaphod gestured Arthur down as he started climbing up. Arthur found himself in a glass bowl on the side of the ship. He looked up and saw Zaphod in another bowl. Zaphod was seated and putting on a headset. Arthur followed suit and looked at the array of instruments in front of him. It suddenly clicked. These were the telecommunication rooms and he was going to act as a temporary telephonist to try and convince the robots they had the wrong number. He tried a few practice 'Good morning, Heart of Gold, which number please?' then took hold of one of the handles in front of him which he assumed was the spare telephone handset. He turned the handle and the seat changed position. He grabbed the other handle and found to his delight that he could move up, down and side to side.

"This is much better than the swivel chairs our telephonists had," he yelled to Zaphod. Zaphod was too busy looking out of his bowl.

"Here they come!" Said Trillian in Arthur's headset. Six small robot fighters hurtled past the Heart of Gold, guns a blazing. Arthur panicked and pressed the button on one of the handles. A bolt of laser scorched into space. He felt incredibly foolish. He hid his embarrassment by trying to blast the robot ships our of the sky.

"They're coming in too fast!" He shouted to Zaphod.

Zaphod twisted around and shot ahead of a fighter. The ship went straight into his line of fire and was blasted to pieces.

"A-ha!" He yelled.

Arthur tried to concentrate. He watched one ship and tried to predict its flight. He lined himself up and pressed the button. To his complete surprise he hit the ship and knocked it out of existence.

"I got one!" He yelled.

"Don't get cocky, kid," growled Zaphod.

One fighter flew past Zaphod's bowl and blasted the shell of the Heart of Gold. Zaphod made him pay with a shot which knocked him into another fighter, destroying them both.

"Top that," he said to Arthur.

The three remaining fighters were flying in formation out of range. They dived down and did more damage to the Heart of Gold.

"We've lost two stabilisers," said Trillian over the intercom.

"Don't worry," replied Zaphod. "She'll hold together." He looked at the ship. "You hear me ship, hold together."

The three fighters were descending on another attack. Arthur took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He shot and clipped the first ship, which spun out of control into the other two. There was an enormous explosion and debris showered the Heart of Gold. Unfortunately, one large piece of debris smashed into the tail and with two stabilisers gone, the ship spun hopelessly out of control. Round and round, the Heart of Gold was mercilessly pulled towards the desert planet of Stavromula Beta, where Arthur was to receive the shock of his life, because a lot of religious people he didn't know were waiting to meet him.

According to the Encyclopaedia Galactica, religion is an evolutionary stage most races go through as a stepping stone to peace of mind or enlightenment. The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy describes religion as great fun if you pick the right one and goes on to recommend several religions, based on fulfilment, cheapness and extent of brainwashing. The Guide then goes on with the following description of the history of religion with a footnote to the effect that although the views expressed may not be those of the Editor, he'll agree to put anything in which is supported by a large drink.

Most religions follow the same basic path. It starts as an excuse for something which defies explanation, such as a nearby star, fire or water. As these things are understood, the energy channelled into worshipping has to be redirected, and as sophistication evolves, so does religion, to the extent of telling you what to do, what not to do, when to do it and at what time of year. As this usually involves something fun being forbidden, some people lose interest at this stage. Those who continue soon begin to lose sight of the original concept and diversification sets in to turn religion into what it is wanted to be (such the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) rather than what was originally intended. This leads to disillusionment (except in the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) and religion is generally given up, put down as 'One of those phases we went through', like teenage acne.

Some people still follow religions, one of the most famous people being Looleel Jegula. He was a devout follower of the Order of Sanctonimity, a particularly dull religious group who believed that three days a year should be devoted to lying in mud swamps to show how grateful they were to be alive. This resulted in much ridiculing by non-believers, until Looleel announced that he was going to travel back in time to meet his maker, thank him, and return with proof of his existence. He made a tearful farewell to his Order, stepped into his time bubble, which promptly disappeared into time. He returned moments later to declare that although he hadn't actually met his maker, he had come across a 'NO ENTRY' sign at the year zero, which he claimed was proof that some holy person had been around to erect it. The sign had, in fact, been put there by non-believers as a practical joke and when Looleel was told, a big row broke out about time travel and messing around with history. Looleel became very unreligious for one moment and thumped one of the non-believers, which started an almighty war.

After politics and the Babel Fish, religion is the third greatest cause of war ever known to the Galaxy.

As for religious diversification, a perfect example can be found on the desert planet of Stavromula Beta. The Stavromulans have a strange history, which needs to be explored to understand their complex religious rituals.

The Stavromulans are dwarf-like nomads, though this was not always the case. They are also half-stupid, which can be seen by the fact that although in certain areas they evolved very quickly, in most areas they remain positively backwards. For example, newspapers started at the same time as writing and could have evolved into something very sophisticated but remained at the level of gutter press because of the inferior intelligence of the readers. The most famous men in Stavromulan history were journalists. Each week these twelve journalists would meet up to discuss the week's stories and have a slap up meal. For Stavromulans, they were very intelligent, for they had vivid imaginations and created stories out of nothing. Normal Stavromulans had no imagination and, for example, would name their offspring with one name, then number any subsequent children. The children, being even more stupid, would always get their names wrong because they would be introduced, for example, as 'Our Second Bup'. The children would then call themselves 'Our second Bup' instead of Bup number two.