Douglas Adams - HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

"I wish we could have one on the Heart of Gold," sighed Trillian.

"I wish I could throw up," said Marvin.

"Thank you Marvin," said Trillian. "Right, we've got to stop this computer instructing the devices to overthrow the Universe. How do we do it, Marvin?"

"You want to do it, you work out how to do it."

"Okay Marvin, if you want to be like that." Trillian turned her back on him.

"I don't want to be like anything," muttered Marvin.

"Can you understand us?" Shouted Bolo.

"Look!" Said Fenchurch, pointing to the pond. The word 'YES' appeared in the water.

"Are you connected up to every Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device in the Universe?" Asked Fenchurch.

The word 'YES' reappeared.

"And you can instruct them to take over the Universe?" Said Bolo.

The word came back again.

"If we gave you an irreversible instruction never to communicate with any device every again, would you do it?" Asked Trillian.

The pond went blank as this was being considered.

I WOULDN T HAVE MUCH CHOICE, I WOULD eventually floated up.

"Okay, you must never communicate with another Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device again after you send not this instruction," said Trillian, looking at the others. "Instruct all devices never to carry out any instruction to overthrow the Universe."

ALL DEVICES INSTRUCTED AND ALL CONNECTIONS TERMINATED floated up. Trillian didn't realise that she had just committed the computer to a lifetime of celibacy, a bit of a giant blow to a computer with such an active sex life, but she had just saved the Universe. Dark clouds filled the sky and the distant rumblings of thunder echoed around the trees.

"I think this would be a good time to leave," said Marvin. "This computer is only half as depressed as I am, but it's still contemplating suicide."

A bolt of lightening ripped a nearby tree in half. The frantic charge towards the door suggested everyone agreed with Marvin. They slammed the door behind them.

"That wasn't so difficult," said Trillian.

"It was easy," said Marvin. "I knew the answer before I 'd even computed the question. However, most idiotic life forms would have resorted to mindless violence after failing to find any logical solution or even forget about the possibility of a second computer communicating with all the devices. Therefore, I admit I am almost not loathed to say I could barely not be unimpressed by your approach."

"Oh, Marvin, you say the sweetest things," said Trillian and kissed Marvin on the cheek

"That's right, try and rust me," moaned Marvin.

Ford, Arthur and Zaphod bounded up

"What are you doing here?" Asked Arthur furiously.

"Oh, just saving the Universe and that," said Trillian, sweetly.

"Is that really you, chick?" Asked Zaphod.

"Of course," said Trillian. "Who else could it be?"

"A reconstructed pile of dust," said Ford, grinning inanely.

"We've disabled the main computer and prevented the SCC from ever overthrowing the Universe using their devices," said Fenchurch, putting her daisy behind Arthur's ear. "You'd have liked it in there."

"That's not the point," flustered Arthur. "We were going to save the Universe."

"Yeh!" Said Zaphod. "A women's place is behind the cocktail cabinet in the living room."

"We almost got killed in there!" Exclaimed Bolo.

"Well, I'm all for equal opportunities," said Zaphod. "You have as much right to save the Universe as we did, even if we would have done it with more style."

"Look, shouldn't we get a move on before they turn on the alarm and find us," said Bolo. An alarm sounded in the background.

"They've turned on the alarm," said Fenchurch. Laser fire blasted a wall behind them.

"They've found us," said Arthur. "RUN!"

They charged down endless corridors pursued by a bunch of jovial Marvin lookalikes intent on killing them. The robots were very pleasant about it all though, apologising after each shot.

Our heroes and heroines are, of course, perfectly safe. Both parties were subconsciously following the strict laws laid down regarding enemy pursuit. These are many and varied, but the main rules are:

1. Pursuers must remain a safe distance from pursuees, but must remain within reasonable shooting distance.

2. Pursuers must be crack shots and may fire unlimited shots at walls, doors and anything else around the pursuees, but NOT directly at pursuees.

3. If a pursuee is shot by accident, the pursuers are penalised by the time it takes for the shot pursuee to convince his partners to continue without him while he tries to hold off the pursuers as long as he can. Once the remaining pursuees have left their fallen partner, he can be killed and the chase restarted in earnest.

4. The pursuees must not turn any corner until they have been shot at, or at least indicated their direction.

5. The corridors must be endless, generally formed in a loop to save on budget.

6. One member of the pursuees must suggest splitting up.

"I suggest we split up," yelled Trillian.

"If I get hit I will split up!" Yelled Zaphod.

"This way," yelled Arthur to Fenchurch, grabbing her hand and pulling her through a doorway.

"Split up.... NOW!" Yelled Ford. Trillian and Bolo dashed one way and Ford and Zaphod charged the other way, all of them yelling.

Another rule is that all participants must yell.

Fenchurch pulled Arthur through a doorway, almost breaking his arm as he intended going the other way.

"Shhh," she whispered. Three jovial robots trundled by.

"We should be safe here for a while," she eventually said, hoping the robots didn't have super hearing.

"I don't want to be safe for a while," said Arthur. "I want to be safe for good."

"Aren't you enjoying it?" Asked Fenchurch.

"My idea of enjoyment does not include being shot at by an jolly and helpful android."

"I know what your idea of enjoyment is. I find all this very exciting. Doesn't it turn you on?" She slipped her arms around his waist.

"Er, not really." He could hear the distant sounds of laser fire and apologies. "It's all a bit distracting."

Fenchurch did something wonderful to his ear. Arthur succumbed to the notion that if he was going to go, this was the way to do it and Fenchurch really knew how to do it. What they didn't realise was that they were saving their lives as the robots had privacy circuits fitted which sensed arousal and caused the robots to seek another function far away.

Zaphod and Ford weren't in any position to initiate any privacy circuits. They were desperately dodging laser fire. Zaphod was throwing himself into somersaults, crashing into walls and various other unnecessary actions that were good for effect. He rounded a corner and saw a sight to warm his heart, mouth and throat. A neon sign saying 'BAR'.

"Hey! Was my navigation good or what?" He said as one of his heads almost got a parting from a laser he wouldn't be able to blow dry out.

"Quick!" Said Ford, as if it was really necessary to instruct Zaphod on how to enter a bar. They crashed through the doors and into the bar. They landed in a heap on the floor.

"We usually end up like this when we leave a bar, not when we enter," said Ford. "This is just like the good old days."

"Yeah, adventure, excitement and really wild things."

"Yeah, being chased."

"Yeah."

"The danger."

"Yeah."

"Risking life and limb."

"Yeah.... Don't you kind of long for the good new days?"

"Yeah."

They got up and went to the bar.

"Listen, everyone," shouted Ford.

"Yeah, listen," reaffirmed Zaphod

"A couple of robots will be coming through that door in a minute."

"Yeah, two evil mothers." The crowd listened intently.

"Well, they're not really evil, they're quite nice about it all, they just want to kill us."