Douglas Adams - HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

"And do you know who I am?" Demanded Zaphod.

"Not now, Zaph old buddy, I've almost got them on my side," whispered Ford. He raised his voice again for the crowd. "They want to kill us, and we don't want that."

"No way, said Zaphod. The gathering crowd seemed to agree.

"So if you can stop them...." Ford paused for effect. "My friend will buy you all a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster!"

"Yeah, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster's are on... .What, Ford?"

The cheers from the crowd drowned Zaphod protest. The nice robots entered and were almost immediately destroyed by the thirsty drinkers. They were all back at the bar before the first wisps of smoke from the robots reached the low ceiling. Zaphod's back was slapped more times than an Arcturan mega donkey in the Betelgeuse Grand National.

"Put it on the slate," Zaphod said to the frantic barmen, making a mental note never to visit this bar again. This was something Zaphod had done all over the Universe, but not to the religious levels that Arthur hadn't.

Arthur and Fenchurch, having left the chase for a spot of uninhibited fun (or as uninhibited as Arthur could be knowing a team of robots were after his blood), were now back in the thick of it. A combination of luck, instinct and improbability guided them outside. They were just behind Ford and Zaphod, whose straight line capability had been seriously undermined by the victory celebration in the bar. Bolo, Trillian and Marvin were in the hatchway of the Heart of Gold.

"Come on!" Yelled Trillian, seeing the robots closing in.

Zaphod grabbed Ford's arm.

"Let's stand and fight these guys, impress the chicks," said Zaphod. "I feel like mashing some metal." Zaphod flexed his sinews.

Ford was so stunned he stopped running.

"What are they doing?" Asked Bolo.

"I wish I knew," said Trillian.

"I know," said Marvin. He looked at Bolo and Trillian then went back to looking at Ford and Zaphod.

"Well do you think you could tell us then," said Trillian, trying to remain patient.

"They are lifeforms."

Trillian waited.

"That isn't much help, Marvin," said Bolo.

"Look," said Marvin, summing up every monotony circuit to help convey his message. "Since 97.6667% of activities undertaken by lifeforms are stupid and or pointless, the law of averages says that whatever they are doing is probably stupid and or pointless."

"Thanks, Marvin."

Marvin was, of course, right. Not only were Ford and Zaphod unarmed, they were also well on their way to being legless.

"What the hell are you doing?" Asked Arthur as he approached the defiant duo.

"Standing our ground," said Ford.

"But that's insane," said Arthur, stopping. Fenchurch had no intention of stopping and every intention of breaking the 100 metres record.

"We can beat these metallic morons," said Zaphod.

"If you stay here they'll become metallic murderers," pleaded Arthur.

"Arthur, if you can't stand the heat, go and join the women," said Ford.

"If I had any sense I would," sighed Arthur and turned to face the oncoming robots.

This stunned the robots. It wasn't in the rules and as there was no umpire handy to consult, they were stumped. They muttered amongst themselves then one stepped forward.

"How do you do," he started, in a perfect English accent. "My name is Jeremy and my colleagues have very kindly voted me spokesman.

"Howdy, Germy, " said Zaphod.

"Er, howdy to you, too. Now, we are a bit perplexed to say the least by your actions. We have been programmed to kill you, not our choice you see, and we were having quite a jolly time chasing you and that."

"Spiffing fun, wasn't it old chap," chirped Ford.

"Yes, very exhilarating. But it would be very unsporting of us to kill you in cold blood."

"I'll say!" Shouted one robot from the back.

"Well they say the chase is better than the catch," said Arthur.

"You are so right," said Jeremy.

"Well guys," said Zaphod, holding his arms out. "You've been so nice about all this, we'll give you a break. We'll go to our ship, take off and then you can come and chase us. All this running is bad for the legs."

"Hear, hear!" Shouted the robots.

"Sounds like a grand idea to me," said Jeremy.

"Okay then, that's settled," said Ford. "Give us five minutes to get a head start then it's 'Tally-Ho' away you go!"

This started Jeremy off, leading the robots in 'three cheers for the lads' and Arthur thinking that they still hadn't quite got the programming right at the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

"Look at those schmucks," said Zaphod as they turned to the Heart of Gold. "We'll improb out of here and they won't know where to start looking."

They got back to the ship, with Ford and Arthur congratulating each other and Zaphod congratulating himself. The girls tried to compete by telling the guys how stupid they had been.

"Okay computer, get us out of this wretched place," said Zaphod as he arrived at the bridge.

"Hi guys," enthused Eddie."Great to see you again. I'm sorry I can't get you out of this, but I'm sure we are going to have a great time instead."

"What are you talking about, computer?" Asked Ford. "Use the improbability drive and get us out before some very sporting robots tear us limb from limb."

"Well, there's the problem," said Eddie. "the improbability drive isn't working, some clown pulled a wire on it. Anyone fancy a game of Charades? I'm not too good at acting them out but I'm a whizz at guessing them."

"Swutting mechanics," growled Zaphod.

"Did they pull the wire?" Asked Frod.

"No, I did," admitted Zaphod. "But that's not the point."

"Nice going, Zaphod," sighed Ford. "You've done some dumb things in your time and I thought I witnessed a classic just now outside but no, this takes honours."

"Hey! Don't come down on me," pleaded Zaphod. "My hangovers are catching up with me."

"If those robots catch up with you," yelled Arthur, glad of the chance to let off some steam at Zaphod. "You'll have a hangover you'll never forget, or never remember, according to where you end up. I just hope I don't end up in the same place. Purgatory would be a great alternative."

"Is there no way off this planet without improbability drive?" Asked Bolo.

"Oh yes," said Ford. "Dead easy way through the acid clouds, only we don't know the co-ordinates."

"I know the co-ordinates."

Everyone turned to look at Marvin. He pretended to be interested in something else, which as he had no interest in anything, he didn't do very convincingly.

"Marvin, old buddy, old mate," gushed Zaphod. "Looks like you've come through for us again."

"I said I know the co-ordinates," said Marvin. "I didn't say I was going to tell you."

Zaphod aimed a wild kick at Marvin, which only resulted in Marvin not being dented and Zaphod crawling about on the floor holding his foot and whimpering in pain and lack of sympathy.

"Look, Marvin," said Trillian, softly. "Please feed the co-ordinates into Eddie. I'm supposed to get married to Zaphod later and you wouldn't want me to miss that, would you?"

Marvin thought about this point for a long time before he gave his answer. To everyone else, he appeared to answer back immediately.

"I don't really care about that, but I'd rather not stay with those tiresome tin soldiers out there, they bore me to tears, where as you only bore me to distraction." He made his way over to Eddie.

"Hi, Marvin."

"Actually I am very low."

"Even robots like to be greeted in a friendly and cheerful manner."

"Well I don't, so just shut up."

"Most robots seem to respond well to my pleasing tones and often remark about.... OUCH!"

"I just jammed those co-ordinates right up his rectal information passage," said Marvin.

"I like your style," said Ford. "Okay, Eddie, get us out of here."