Orson Card - Songmaster

What's wrong? Ansset asked.

Kyaren's coming here tomorrow.

I know. I'm looking forward to it, I've missed her.

So have I.

But I'm glad she was gone, Ansset said. Or I would never have come to love you.

Josif walked away then, and Ansset, not understanding, did not follow.

All the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, Ansset puzzled it over. He knew Josif loved him, and he knew Josif loved Kyaren-such things couldn't be lied about. Why should there be anything difficult about it? Why should Josif be in such pain?

He went to the room where Josif was supposed to be, and found someone else in it. Where's Josif? he asked, and the security guard who had been assigned those sleeping quarters shrugged. I just sleep where they tell me, sir, he said.

Ansset went straight to Calip, who was responsible for room assignments. Where's Josif?

Calip looked surprised. Don't you know? He said that you had asked him to move to another room. So he'd be closer to the library.

What room?

Calip didn't answer immediately. Instead he fidgeted, then said, Sir, did you know that Josif is a homosexual?

Hardly an exclusive one, Ansset answered. Do you have special rooms assigned for homosexuals?

I wasn't sure if you knew. We thought-we thought he looked so agitated because he had made advances. And you had objected.

When I object to something, I'll tell you. He didn't make advances. He's my friend, I want to know where his room is.

He asked us not to tell you. He wanted to be alone, he said.

Do you work for him or for me?

Sir, Calip said, looking very upset. We thought he was right. Your friendship with him is good, but it's gone far enough.

Am I, or am I not, planet manager? Ansset asked, his voice icy,

Calip was immediately afraid-Ansset's voice could still do that, especially when he was imitating Mikal's most terrifying command voice.

Yes, sir, Calip said. I'm sorry.

Has anyone told you not to take orders from me?

Summoning his courage, Calip said, Sir, it's only proper for me to advise you when I think you're making a mistake.

Do you think I'm a fool? Ansset asked. Do you think I lived in the palace all those years without learning how to take care of myself?

Calip shook his head.

When I ask for something, your only duty, Calip, is to find the quickest way to do it. What room is Josif in?

And Calip told him. But his voice was trembling with anger. You listen to the wrong people too often, sir, Calip said. You should listen to me from time to time.

It occurred to Ansset that Calip might be right. After all, Mikal and Riktors had listened to all their advisers, all the time, before making important decisions. While Ansset had gradually been closing himself off to everyone but Kyaren and, in the last few days, Josif. But in this case Calip's advice was unwelcome and inappropriate. Legally Ansset was an adult. It was none of Calip's business-it was a matter for friends.

He found the room with no trouble, but hesitated before knocking, trying again to understand Josif s motives, his reasons for shutting Ansset out so abruptly. He could think of none. Josif's emotions were not concealed from Ansset-the boy knew perfectly well everything that the man wanted and did not want. Josif wanted Ansset, and did not want to, and Ansset did not know why. It could not be because Kyaren would be jealous-she was not prone to that sort of thing, and if Josif wanted to make love to Ansset, she would not mind. Yet Josif acted as if Ansset's very touch were poisonous, though Ansset knew Josif had been wanting that touch.

He did not understand, had to understand, and so he knocked on the door and it opened.

Josif immediately tried to shut the door again,-but Ansset slipped inside. And when Josif then tried to leave, Ansset shut the door, and stood there, looking Josif in the eyes. Why are you at war with yourself? he asked the man.

I want things, Josif said thickly, that I do not want to want. Please leave me.

But why shouldn't you have what you want? Ansset asked reaching up and touching Josif's cheek.

The struggle was clear on Josif's face. He wanted to hurl Ansset's arm away, but did not. Instead he did what he wanted more. As Ansset's fingers reached along Josif's neck, Josif's own hand moved, glided along Ansset's face, outlined his lips and his eyes.

And then, abruptly, Josif turned away, walked to the bed and threw himself on it.

No! he cried out. I don't love you!

Ansset followed him, sat beside him on the bed, ran his hands along Josif's back. Yes you do, Ansset said. Why do you want to deny it?

I don't. I can't.

It's too late, Josif. You can't lie to me, you know."

Josif rolled back, away from Ansset, and looked up into the boy's face. Is it?

I know what you want, Ansset said, and I'm willing.

And the war in Josif's face and voice ended, and he surrendered, though Ansset still could not figure out why the war had been fought at all, or what fortress had fallen. Josif had won, but Josif had also lost; and yet Josif was getting what he longed for.

Josif's touch was not like the touch of the guard who had lusted for Ansset when he first came to Earth. His eyes were not like the eyes of the pederasts who visited the palace and hardly heard Ansset's song for looking at Ansset's body. Josif's lips on his skin spoke more eloquently than they had ever spoken when only air could receive their touch. And Ansset's questions began to be answered.

And then, suddenly, when his feelings were most intense, Ansset was startled by a sudden pain in his groin. He had not been exerting Control-he made a soft, inadvertent cry. Josif did not notice it, or misunderstood it if he did. But the pain increased and increased, centering in his loins and spreading in waves of fire through his body. Surely this pain was not normal, Ansset thought, terrified. Surely they don't always feel this, every time. I would have heard of this. I would have known it.

And climax came to Ansset, not as ecstasy, but as exquisite pain, more than his Control could contain, more than his voice could express. Silently he writhed on the bed, his face twisting in agony, his mouth open with screams far too painful to become sound.

Josif was horrified. What had he done? Ansset was obviously in terrible pain; he had never seen the boy show pain before. Yet Josif knew that there should be no pain, not with the gentle way that Josif had been teaching.

What is it? he asked.

Ansset could not find any voice at all, just convulsed so violently that he was thrown from the bed.

Ansset! Josif cried out,

Ansset's head struck the wall. Once, again, again. He seemed not to notice. Spittle came from his mouth, and his naked body arched upward, then slammed brutally against the floor. Josif had known Ansset was on the verge of orgasm, but instead of the gift he had meant to give the boy, there had been this. Josif had never desired to cause pain to anyone in his life; when he did, it nearly destroyed him. And he had never seen such pain as Ansset's. Every shudder of the boy's body struck Josif like a blow.

Ansset! he screamed. Ansset, I only meant to love you! Ansset!

With Josif's voice ringing in his ears, Ansset finally struck his head hard enough to bring unconsciousness, the only relief he could find from the pain that had long since ceased to be unbearable, that had come to be infinite and eternal, the only reason for Ansset to exist. The pain was Ansset, and then, as the room went black and the screams went silent, Ansset was finally able to remove himself from the agony.

He awoke with the dim light of morning coming in through a window. The walls were stone, but not thick; he was still in the castle, but in one of the buildings in the courtyard. He became aware of movement in the room. He turned his head. Calip and two doctors stood by him.