J. Curtis - Calexit - The Anthology

In light of your confession that you have no intention of complying with Cali “Education Opportunity Law” 2021-3.1415.9265, a court order has been issued mandating your presence in Sacramento the week of July 14, 2031 for administrative hearings and sentencing.

The air conditioning was a problem for Mardi. She was wearing her yellow sundress and on the farm they no longer had AC so the now-unfamiliar feeling of conditioned air made her feel like she was sitting in a freezer. You cannot take much luggage when your ride to the bus station is on the back of an ancient Suzuki dirt bike so she didn’t have a sweater or warmer clothing. Chad had borrowed the Suzuki from their neighbor and had to return it, so she rode behind him as he navigated the cratered roads into Visalia.

The waiting room in the Cali Department of Education, Enforcement Division had a sign that read, “The wheels of justice turn slowly, but grind exceedingly fine.” The staff of the Enforcement Division lived by that motto. Mardi logged into the kiosk at 7:45 am on Monday and sat with the huddled masses of supplicants all day Monday… and Tuesday… and Wednesday. Her name was finally called on Thursday at 10:30 am.

Mardi sat on the plain, vinyl covered chair across the table from the fabled Lois Gale-Leinhart-Diaz and her enforcer Terry Branch.

Lois was a fleshy woman—the buttons on her clothes creaked and strained like a wooden sailing vessel being driven by a storm. She shopped at the most exclusive, vanity boutiques. Even though her dress label said that she was a size fourteen (going on sixteen), the same dress from any other shop would have a twenty-two on the label.

Her face was florid, giving evidence to a penchant for, and access to, ample amounts of well marbled beef, sour cream and multiple carafes of chardonnay.

A slightly sour smell exuded from her in spite of the heroic efforts of the air conditioning.

Terry, the enforcer, was wearing a three-piece suit. Terry was pushing sixty and pushing it hard. He fancied himself a lady’s man and sported a big, bushy mustache. He radiated bullshit and belligerence and was given to over-arching statements. Lois found him a useful idiot.

Lois started out by placing a document on the table. She said, “This document was generated from the content of your emails. I know you have been away from your home for many days and I am sure you are eager to get back. You can be on your way back home if you sign this document.”

Mardi started to read the document.

Lois, thinking of lunch, said, “There is no reason to read it. It is exactly like I said. Just sign it.”

Mardi looked up. “I don’t see how a half-dozen short emails can take up twenty pages of text. I want to read it to see what got added.”

Mardi’s eyes returned to the document. She read, slowly.

Mardi started reading out loud.

“Do you have to do that?” Terry said. “It’s irritating.”

Mardi said, “Kind of irritates me, too.” And continued reading…

“Potential penalties for stated crimes include fines, incarceration, cede title of property to proxy of the Agent’s choosing, servitude even punishable by death…”

“Nope. I am not signing.” Mardi said. “I’m just a simple Polish girl from Cheboygan, Michigan but you don’t need a law degree to see this is a raw deal.”

“What can you tell me about these supposed violations you are accusing our operation of?” Mardi asked.

Lois glowered. The early, and long, lunch she had been looking forward to had been delayed.

“The violations are almost too many to number.” Lois said. “A repeated violation is the frequent shortage of WIFI signal. As you know The Cali Department of Education takes the education of our youth very seriously and you agreed to provide educational opportunities (including WIFI) when you took the students.”

“For one thing,” Mardi responded, “We did not ‘take’ the students. You forced us to provide room and board for twelve of them.”

“For another thing, I am pretty familiar with the Education Handbook. I do not remember seen anything about a WIFI requirement. What page is it on?” Mardi concluded.

Lois looked over at Terry. Terry fiddled with his tablet, cleared his throat and said, “That requirement is on page 783.”

Mardi looked confused. “But the Handbook is only 450 pages long. How can the requirement be on page 783?”

Lois smirked. “The Department of Education has panels of experts who meet. They interpret the rules and break them down into observable actions. They publish those interpretations as series of addendums to the Handbook. Clearly, this is in one of those addendums.”

Mardi said, “But you don’t publish them?”

Lois said, “They are available through the Freedom of Information Act.”

“How would I know to ask for them?” Mardi asked.

“That is not my problem.” Lois responded. “We are documenting your non-compliances in this meeting and it is beyond the scope of why we are here to re-engineer the Department’s policies. So, back to the WIFI outages.”

“When did these outages occur?” Mardi asked.

“Most notably during the summer of 2026. Every student from summer, 2026 testified that there were extended WIFI outages.”

“Testified… what did you do, threaten these kids with jail unless they came up with some dirt on us?” Mardi was starting to get pissed.

“Terry, enter into the record that Mz Izzo is hostile and uncooperative. Mz Izzo, for your information, the students were sworn in and depositions were recorded. It is standard process.” Lois said, looking more reptilian by the minute.

Mardi realized that Lois intended to make her angry and lose control. Mardi took a half minute to compose herself… a quick Hail Mary and Prayer to St Augustine helped.

“2026 is the year the valley the electrical storms. As I told you in the emails, all our electronics were fried. That included the router. We were not the only ones. Most people had to wait for over a month to get a new router.” Mardi said.

Lois said, “We are not here to listen to excuses. We are here to verify noncompliance.”

Mardi asked, “When was the addendum that includes page 783 published? I could see the Department publishing something like that after the fact.”

Terry looked it up. “It was published in 2026 so it applies to that summer.”

Mardi asked, “What month in 2026? Summer is half way through the year.”

Terry’s face flushed. “November.” He had seen that it was November before he had stated that “so it applies to that summer” and had been caught.

The “interview” was being recorded on video and he hated to leave evidence that he was sloppy.

Lois tried a slightly different tack. “I am not conceding that the requirement did not apply to the summer of 2026. That is for the panel of experts to decide. It does, clearly, apply to the time period between November 2026 and the present, and there are multiple WIFI failures during that period. What is your response, Mz Izzo?”

“We don’t control the electrical power on our farm.” Mardi replied. “As you know, the Cali Power Board installed smart electrical distribution panels in every building in Cali. During periods of peak power draw our domestic circuits shut down and that includes the WIFI.”

Shivering in the AC, Mardi knew where that power had gone.

“If The Cali Department of Education, Enforcement Division has issues with WIFI uptime then they should take it up with The Cali Power Board.”

Lois said, “For the video record, Mz Izzo is being a smarmy, smart-ass.”